The Story Of A Russian Who Tried To Buy Love, But Did Not Find It And Became A Client Of A Psychotherapist

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The Story Of A Russian Who Tried To Buy Love, But Did Not Find It And Became A Client Of A Psychotherapist
The Story Of A Russian Who Tried To Buy Love, But Did Not Find It And Became A Client Of A Psychotherapist

Video: The Story Of A Russian Who Tried To Buy Love, But Did Not Find It And Became A Client Of A Psychotherapist

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Video: ДЕТЕКТИВ ПОПУЛЯРЕН ВО ВСЁМ МИРЕ! Капкан для Золушки / A TRAP FOR CINDERELLA. Detective + ENGLISH SUB 2023, January

Someone else's life on social networks looks ideal, but their own against this background is so-so. “If something bad constantly happens to us or, on the contrary, nothing happens in life, then these are not the vicissitudes of fate, but our attitudes and views on life, formed in childhood and adolescence. They work like filters or blinkers. And if these settings are not changed, nothing will change,”says Iryna Daineko. In his book “The Illusion of an Ideal Life. How to stop running after an imposed dream and become truly happy”a psychotherapist with 20 years of practice allows you to spy on what is happening in his office. With the permission of the publishing house "Bombora" "" publishes a fragment of the text.

The client was male, although this type of disorder is more common in women. At the time of his appeal, he was forty-seven years old, he could not be attributed to handsome men, but he can definitely be attributed to the group of men who like women. He was of average height, stocky, somewhat overweight, but this did not spoil him, on the contrary, it gave a certain zest to his appearance and emphasized his charismatic behavior.

He behaved confidently and relaxed, and when he came to the reception, he even tried to make a pleasant impression and please like a man: an obliging demeanor, a wide smile, an open position. All his behavior said: "Look how cool I am!"

He grew up in a complete family, but it was not customary for them to show their positive emotions, no one encouraged him with attention, did not hug him, did not show much interest in his affairs and problems and did not praise him just like that. There was only one vivid episode in his memory, when his mother hugged him to her for the fact that he got a job as a waiter during his vacation as a teenager and gave all the money he earned to her. And then he decided that women love money, and only by buying it will he be needed, desired and make them happy.

He began to study very well at school, went to college and, while still studying there, opened his own business, which began to bring him a very good income. And gradually he became a man-anyaholic, that is, a ladies' man, a walker. He began to experience unusually pleasant and previously unfamiliar feelings that could not be compared with anything else that he had experienced before in his life. They helped him get away from real problems, they suppressed many negative emotions in him.

Further, this need began to grow in him, which spilled over into complete powerlessness in front of women - the objects of his addiction. His life began to flow in an alternation of erotic excitement and disappointment. The search and conquest of each new woman in the future led to the devaluation of the object of passion and to the search for a new one, and the conquest of her favor with the help of all kinds of gifts: phones, watches, trips, cars, just money in envelopes.

But I learned all this later, after many hours of therapy with this client. But the first interview with him was like a guide for an aspiring psychotherapist.

- How did you feel today when you made the final decision to come to therapy?

- I was wildly nervous and thought this situation was terrible.

- Are these thoughts about me or the upcoming therapy?

- I was afraid that you would not take me to therapy, because I am not the right one for you.

- What other thoughts and feelings did you visit?

“Probably hopelessness,” he says so correctly and standardly that it’s already getting a little tense. Either I was preparing, or I was already with psychotherapists. Will I ask about the second, and then about the first, or vice versa?

- Have you already turned to someone for help?

- Yes, I went to a psychotherapist, and for a long time, my problem is depressed mood. This is depression, for sure. And women are not permanent, and I am no longer a boy.

- Tell me, please, now, sitting in an armchair opposite me in my office, do you still think that I will refuse? - A kind of embarrassment appears on his face, he tried so hard to impress until I began to ask him questions.

- And you will refuse me, right?

- Of course no. I can feel you worrying about your expectations.

I see that a barely noticeable smile appears on his face, and he has fewer times folds the paper napkin in his hands, which he decided to take as soon as he sat down in the chair.

- How do you feel now that you realized that you made a mistake in your expectations?

“However, I'm not so nervous anymore, especially compared to what happened when I was waiting for my appointment in the lobby. But now I think, can you help me?

- I think that it is not possible to answer this question now. We will definitely return to this feeling of yours and will return to it during our meetings if you decide to stay in therapy. What is important today is that we managed to trace one pattern. Negative ideas create unpleasant feelings in a person. In your case, it is hopelessness and anxiety. How are you feeling now?

- Better … it became calmer.

- That's good. Now try to tell, if possible, in a few sentences, where do you want my help?

Of course, he did not succeed in a short story, but his main idea was his relationship with women, more precisely: "What do I feel about women, if I feel at least something at all, and am I unhappy without their love?" - that was the main idea of ​​this outwardly confident man.

“You see, if they don’t love me and I don’t have a woman, then automatically I’m unhappy!

- Should those around you love everything? It seems to me that dislike on the part of others is not an event. Then how can something that is not an event have consequences?

- How can you be happy if you are not loved?

- If I understand correctly, then happiness is impossible without female love? Is this your belief? So it’s this belief that dictates your emotional response?

- I'm confused. I do not understand.

- Okay. If you are firmly convinced of something, and in this case that happiness is impossible without love, then behavior and feelings are determined by this belief, regardless of whether it is true or not.

- Stop. Are you telling me that if I think that happiness is impossible without love, then I myself do everything in order to be unhappy?

- Of course. Exactly. And as soon as you feel unhappy, you probably start to encourage yourself with the thought: “I was right. Without love, I am doomed to always be unhappy."

- Looks like the truth. So what should I do?

- Let's try to play a fairly simple game. Just try to focus on the real consequences, not the ones that are your beliefs today. Let's go together to a tropical island somewhere in the ocean, it's warm and sunny, it's incredibly beautiful and calm. This island is full of simple joys in life in the form of a warm, cozy home, a sleeping place, a supply of food, drinking water, a huge amount of exotic fruits, and to get them, you just need to reach out.

- The picture is impressive. I've even been to such a similar place, and one.

- But then a sequel. There are natives on this island. They are non-aggressive and ready to help if you want, but they don't like you. None shows love for you. Have you presented? There are women among them and they are quite pretty, but none of them show love for you.

- Yes, I did.

- And how do you feel there?

- I am definitely well and, perhaps, very calm.

- So, the dislike of others does not make you unhappy? And they mentioned that they were on such an island and were without a woman.

- Yes.

- And how did you feel then?

- Very good, I never had to rest more.

- Were you unhappy?

- No, what are you?

- So you were without a woman, without her love and happy?

- It turns out that way.

In hypersocial love addicts, initially there is a tendency to overly responsible behavior and overprotection to the object of their attraction. It was the same in the case of this client: gradually the emotional dependence intensifies, the fear of loss grows, then the feeling of guilt joins in, the fear of causing discontent in his partner and not justifying his hopes.

The correctness of your feelings is lost, and it becomes difficult to identify them. He managed to realize that something was wrong in his life, and he came to the appointment on time, because his addiction has not yet passed into a chronic stage, when thinking is disturbed, protracted depression and unaccountable fears begin with complete fixation on the partner. He only had mild depression, which he learned to cope with during therapy.

His beliefs about himself were painful and could in no way contribute to his behavioral attitudes and his adaptation in society. A distrust of people and an inability to turn to them for help was hidden behind the belief that his needs would never be met if he had to rely or trust others. He believed that you can only love him through gifts and sexual attraction.

If one of the women has sex with me, it means that you can love me, because in essence I am a bad and worthless person. Hence, the most important need was the desire to conquer women through their purchase. He stopped noticing that he had not been satisfying his own needs for a long time, he could not even formulate what he wanted himself.

Since in childhood he could not find the love and support that he needed from his parents, he began to look for them in his partners, collecting bit by bit those hypothetical feelings and emotions that he was not even able to feel.

In the course of therapy, we conducted a very interesting experiment with him. It is clear that when a person communicated with many women, almost all of his women are similar in psychotype, moreover, he finds such people. As they say, marking time on a rake. In no case do I want to think badly about his companions: if gifts are given to them directly in their hands, then it is difficult not to take them. But back to the experiment. His request was that he did not have that girlfriend with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life, have children and no longer run away from her. Yes, he himself ran away from many, but it's stupid to blame him for this, for this he had many reasons.

The experiment was simple. I asked him to make a list of his women who, as it seemed to him, gave him something in life. New sensations, positive emotions, inner peace, confidence in them, the joy of spending time together, good sex, in general, at least something that matters to him.

At first, the list was impressive, and I even tensed, but then, when we began to determine what was important for him, he still included only seven candidates in it. The next task was to check their status on social networks for the absence of relations at the moment. This filter left only four women.

And then everything is simple. He had to call them and tell them a made-up story, according to which he is currently in financial problems, and ask the girl, whom he had generously supported and presented with gifts before, to help him. He had to promise to return everything as soon as everything was settled.

I understand that I could get into a situation in which no one would respond, but, firstly, I was lucky, and secondly, there was a backup plan, according to which he would start meeting new girls, but in a different way scenario.

I was definitely lucky, I can't think otherwise. The woman did everything as I could only dream. She suggested that he immediately give the car that he gave her.

- If you want, sell or take a ride, solve your problems. Move to me, I will help you.

After a while, she offered to sell her apartment and buy herself a smaller one, because he once helped her with the renovation and added it to an additional room. He lived with her for more than two months, took the car and bought absolutely nothing for her or himself. To say that it was hard for him is to say nothing. Perhaps not a single word can reflect his feelings.

Thanks to this experiment, he was able to understand that some women are ready to love just like that, without gifts, they are ready to come to the rescue in difficult times and be there, regardless of how much money you have for today and what gifts you give. Then they came together for therapy, and everything opened up. Now they are together, and they are happy, and this is the most important thing in this whole story.

A fairy tale, you will say, and you will be right, because our life always becomes like a fairy tale if there is love in it.

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