Family secrets: why men return to ex-wives News that Nicolas Cage decided to return to his ex-wife, aroused a keen interest in the public. The Hollywood star lived with his second wife, Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Maria Presley, for a little over three months. After that, the actor unsuccessfully married twice more. And this summer he himself got in touch with his ex-wife and offered to meet.
It must be admitted that the hero of the fighters is not alone. Many men who did not have a star status, returned to their ex-wives some time after the divorce.
What drives them? And is it possible to enter the same family river twice?
According to experts, the reasons why husbands return to their former families are usually related to the reason why they leave.
Hijacked him, hijacked
One of the common reasons is an affair on the side. A man in love, on the wave of a feeling that has covered him, decides that it is with his new chosen one that he will become truly happy. Therefore, he announces to his wife about leaving.
The wife who finds out about the betrayal can also initiate a divorce. And deep down, some women may not want to part with their husbands. But public opinion prescribes to punish the traitor mercilessly. And many women in such a situation break down and point the faithful at the door. The man goes to a new family hearth.
However, living together with his mistress often turns out to be not at all as delightful as it seemed at first. After all, it's one thing to meet a person on rare dates, when everyone is trying to show themselves from their best side, and another thing is to live side by side with him. Both have many shortcomings, which were somehow not paid attention to before.
Often, when living together, it turns out that yesterday's lovers are actually too different people, or even just strangers.
Another option is also possible - the mistress has the same shortcomings as the wife. After all, as experts say, people usually choose life partners of a certain type, with very similar personality types. As a result, there is a feeling that he changed the awl for soap.
Against this background, the former family and wife are being remembered more and more often. And if all this time the ex-spouses were not in a state of protracted war, then there is a desire to return.
Of course, not every man dares to make this desire a reality. The fear that he will not be accepted, pride does not allow him to admit a mistake. But some still dare. Take, for example, the famous "midshipman" Sergei Zhigunov, who, in the wake of his affair with Anastasia Zavorotnyuk, was forced to divorce his wife. However, the
He never invited Anastasia to marry. As a result, after parting with his former lover, he returned to his wife.
An acquaintance of mine, having lived with his mistress, who became the cause of the collapse of the family, for two years, again proposed to his own wife. She, however, hesitated for some time - what if he starts cheating again, but in the end she still agreed. And for all five years that have passed since the day of their re-wedding, I have not regretted the decision made.
Eyes wouldn't see you
However, spouses often get divorced simply because they did not cope with the surging family crisis.
“Crises and problems are generally inherent in human relations,” explains psychologist Dmitry Oreshin. - But today many couples, not being able or unwilling to resolve the crisis, especially quickly come to a break. People feel that they are unhappy, but they do nothing to change the situation, do not try to find the cause of what is happening. The chosen one is seen as the main culprit of the unsuccessful life. Many find it easier to conclude: all this is happening only because I chose the wrong person.
And after the divorce, the former spouse seems to be a complete monster with an incredible number of the most terrible flaws. Over time, however, it turns out that new partners are not much better. First, because, as we have said, we tend to choose the same personality type. And secondly, considering that the husband or wife is to blame for the previous breakup, a person in a new relationship makes the same mistakes that lead to the same sad result - a breakup.
“In addition, that bright intimate life, which I dreamed of for many years spent in marriage, turned out to be only partially accessible, and for many it was completely unattainable,” explains the psychologist. - The majority of divorced people, within a year and a half after the beginning of their “free” life, becomes satiated from it.
Many divorced men come to the conclusion that living alone is not at all as exciting as it seemed for many years of marriage.
Against this background, the former second half begins to seem not so terrible. Past grievances seem to be less significant. More and more often I remember the good things that happened in the previous family life. And the man is thinking about returning.
If the spouses have maintained a relationship all this time, then it is not difficult to return again. Take the example of the famous actors Yulia Menshova and Igor Gordin, who, after the birth of their second child, dispersed due to the dissimilarity of characters. However, a few years later, the couple reunited again. Yulia's parents, by the way, Vladimir Menshov and Vera Alentova at the dawn of family life, also divorced. The young family could not stand the test of everyday life. However, four years later they got married again.
True, often spouses, divorcing on a wave of mutual grievances, stop communicating with each other for some time. But sometimes one chance meeting is enough to make the feelings that seemed to have died out flare up again.
“One night,” says one of the Internet users Olesya, “a phone call woke me up. The ex-husband called. He said that he had been thinking about me for several weeks and asked: "Come." My heart beat terribly. But I decided to go. We walked for a long time, talked - about us, about our daughter. We met for a while, but then we decided to start living together again. It's been three years now. I never imagined that our family life could be so exciting, although it cannot be said that it is easy for us."
My friend met by chance with her ex-husband at mutual friends. According to her, both seemed to be shocked at the sight of each other. “We were drawn to each other with such force that it became clear - fools that we were getting divorced,” she later admitted.
True, there is a risk of mistaking nostalgia for past love for a desire to renew the relationship.
- Sex with an ex-husband or wife does not mean at all that the person has probably decided to return to you, - warns Dmitry Oreshin. - The motives can be very different - the desire to retain power over the ex-spouse, the need to increase self-esteem - "he still cannot forget me", "I am the best man in her life", etc. Therefore, you should not cherish the hope that the next morning you will be called back to the registry office.
But if the ex-husband, not limited to joint bed pleasures, begins to show care and attention again, most likely he is really ready to return.
In this situation, a woman should by no means push and take the initiative into her own hands. This is a man who wants to return his wife, it is necessary to act actively and decisively, experts warn. And if a woman is too active, it is annoying. A man's natural defense mechanism is triggered, and he begins to distance himself.
The main thing for the former spouses who have decided to re-enter the old river is not to consider divorce a mistake, not to look for those to blame for what happened and not to blame each other.
- Relationships are not a mathematical task at all, it is difficult to talk about mistakes in them, - the psychologist believes.- Perhaps at that time it was a natural outcome of the relationship, without which you would not have been able to bring them to a new one.
You just need to understand what caused the divorce and try to forgive each other. It is not necessary for new relationships to be destroyed by old problems.
If the resentment eats away at the soul, then it is better to abandon the idea of remarrying with your ex-spouse. Because then all the old problems will return anyway.
However, trying to build relationships as if you are completely new people is also not worth it. After all, you are returning just to that partner whom you knew before - with his habits, problems and shortcomings. Therefore, experts teach, it is better to perceive a person as before. But the relationship is like completely new. And then, it is possible that over time you will still be grateful to the former divorce, which allowed you to return love and respect for each other.
Do you know? In marriages that break up without the intervention of a third force, and, according to statistics, the majority of them - as many as three quarters, spouses, oddly enough, are reunited less often. Because people in such marriages often come to parting consciously, because of the impossibility and even unwillingness to coexist.
Nella Pributkovskaya, "Novoe Delo"