On the social network, one of the ladies published an excerpt from the novel "Shantaram", the essence of which was that a man's task was to win a woman's love and respect, to cherish trust.
“For this, a man exists. A man becomes a man only after he conquers a woman with love, earns her respect and preserves her trust, and without this he is not a man,”the novel says.
The author of the post laments why, at the age of 20, no one explained anything like this to her? Then she would surely be happy.
Is it really a man's lot to serve a woman? And is such an approach capable of bringing happiness?
Listen and obey
It is no secret that many girls are really taught from childhood that a fairy-tale prince should appear in their lives, who will certainly make them happy.
“Girls are taught the psychology of princesses from childhood,” said Moscow psychologist Dmitry Oreshin. - Not yet weaned from the pot, she assimilates the feeling of her own exclusivity. She is special and deserves the very best.
This truth is being instilled in women - future and present - not only by mothers and grandmothers. Commercials and melodramatic series train the weaker sex to think that women deserve special treatment.
It is due to the relationship of the chosen one that many women are trying to assert themselves. A man whom they are ready to see next to should give a feeling of stability, reliability and, of course, admiration. Only then can a woman feel that she is loved.
- A woman wants to get from a man exactly the feeling that with all her shortcomings and despite all the mistakes she has made, she remains good and beloved for him, - explains psychologist Oleg Satov. - Receiving such recognition from a man, a woman can calm down for a while and come to terms with herself. When they say that every woman wants to love and be loved, we are talking about just this kind of infantile-romantic relationship. Beautiful courtship, chivalrous behavior, serenades under the window, passionate declarations of love - all this creates a feeling of inner peace in a woman: "They love me - that means I am good."
The ideal husband is instructed to take care of his chosen one, endure whims, fulfill desires, console, etc. In a word, to serve. At the same time, the desires and internal needs of the man himself are not taken into account. It is assumed that he will cope with his problems and needs on his own.
The stronger sex, according to experts, has no choice but to succumb to this propaganda. And although deep down in their hearts the lion's share of men do not agree with this, they are forced to follow the social stereotype prescribing that it is a man's duty to always please a woman in everything. Especially if he loves her.
As a result, the woman gradually subordinates the man to herself, step by step winning back his personal space and establishing power over him. And he is forced to let her. After all, this, as stereotypes say, is the manifestation of true love.
Weak link
But the funny thing is that this does not bring happiness to a woman in the end.
In order to feel happy and loved, a woman seeks to subjugate her chosen one, to put him at the service.
She takes control of his communication, pastime and even thoughts. He calls him several times a day, asks the man sitting in thought, what exactly he is thinking about so deeply, and sometimes does not even hesitate to check his e-mails and the contents of his mobile phone. She sees rivals in the friends of the faithful, therefore she seeks to limit communication with them. How many men have faced a situation when they have to ask the other half for a long time and humiliatingly for a bath, fishing, etc.!
Many women also try to lead the career aspirations of their husbands, and also strive to take the solution of all important family problems into their own hands.
- The man's resistance in this regard, his attempts to defend the right to his own opinion, personal space, will force a woman to go out of self-pity, - explains Dmitry Oreshin. - Well, of course, they don't love her the way she deserves it. Then why do you need such a man?
As a result, the woman either goes in search of another life partner who will be able to appreciate her, or is filled with confidence that all men are bastards, and proudly decides to walk through life alone.
But having achieved the cherished goal - having completely subjugated the chosen one, the woman again begins to feel deeply unhappy. Because with such a distribution of roles, she is in a position of strength. And power over a weak man does not bring pleasure.
- Soon, the man's selfless love and willingness to look into his mouth slowly begins to irritate her. The relationship between a man and a woman suddenly turns into a relationship between a mother and a child, says the psychologist.
It is no wonder - completely submitting to a woman, a man loses his independence, and therefore, his authority. And now all his delights about her are losing their magical power and do not bring their former joy. A woman ceases to appreciate her husband, who until recently seemed ideal to her, loses all respect for him.
As a result, women's self-esteem again begins to strive for the level of the plinth. The woman begins to feel deeply unhappy. But, of course, he blames the man for this.
A flurry of reproaches, accusations, insults begins. Family life turns into a nightmare for both.
“In both cases, the problem of pride is resolved only for a short time, when the woman still hopes that she will be able to remake the man, or until she faces the fact that the converted and defeated man no longer attracts her,” Oleg Satov believes.
Ideally, a man who is able to make a woman happy should be authoritarian and obedient, confident and touching, loving and loyal at the same time. And this, you see, is more like science fiction.
On the road to happiness
To avoid such disappointments, women, experts teach, need to stop striving for self-affirmation and solving their problems at the expense of men.
1. You need to stop looking for self-affirmation and consolation in a relationship.
2. And for this you need to increase your own self-esteem so that it does not depend on others.
3. Do not try to solve your psychological problems at the expense of a man.
4. Give up the idea that a man will make you happy. No one but yourself is capable of doing this.
5. Give up the idea that the man owes you. It is very important to maintain a take-and-give balance in a relationship. Consumer sentiment will destroy them sooner or later.
6. Be ready to accept your chosen one for who he is, not cherishing hopes of remaking him in the future - believe me, this is as unrealistic as curbing prices.
In this case, you can feel truly happy and loved without trying to force the man to serve you.
Keep in mind. Selfless chivalry, like unbridled Don Juanism, first of all, speaks of a man's lack of confidence in himself.
“These are two extremes of the same personality neurosis that manifests itself in relationships with women,” the psychologist believes. - The type of behavior is expressed the more clearly, the less balanced the psyche. While a man is not confident in himself, he is rigidly attached to his main strategy, and when self-esteem is balanced, he simply does not need to play a hero-lover or a knight on a white horse.
Nella Pributkovskaya, "Novoe Delo"