The most dangerous stages of family life The discord in the family of Ksenia Sobchak and Maxim Vitorgan, which the public is excitedly discussing, is explained by many as an ordinary family crisis. It overtakes almost every pair after a certain amount of time. The marriage of Vitorgan and Sobchak is five years old - according to some experts, the term is unfavorable.
How many years after marriage can problems begin in the family, what can they lead to and how to cope with them?
The first crisis usually overtakes newlyweds in the first year of life. The pink glasses through which we look at our chosen ones during the period of falling in love fall off, and the image of a spouse begins to acquire slightly different features. The wife discovers that the faithful in terms of intelligence does not pull the Nobel laureate, his prospects of becoming an oligarch are actually zero, and the poems that he dedicated to her as his own are actually just downloaded from the Internet.
The husband also makes a number of unpleasant discoveries: it turns out that the chosen one cooks much worse than her mother, loves stupid TV shows and wants to sleep in the morning, and not cook him breakfast. Disappointment covers both of them. And the struggle for leadership, which is inevitable at this stage, only exacerbates the matter. Big quarrels flare up over little things.
Moreover, as experts note, women are especially categorical in such cases. As a result, yesterday's lovers begin to be tormented by the question: "Wasn't our marriage a mistake?" Many in the heat of the moment rush to correct this mistake, and only photographs from wedding celebrations are left of the young family. Only those who have enough patience and understanding can overcome this very first crisis in family life.
- Consult each other more often, try to avoid an orderly tone and do not involve others in arbitrators, - advises psychotherapist Dmitry Oreshin. - And the main thing is to remember that this process is inevitable. This happens in any starting family.
The next difficult stage in family life occurs three years after the wedding. It is at this time that habit comes to the place of passion.
What seemed like unattainable happiness yesterday is taken for granted today. And I no longer want to sing in the morning from the mere thought that you are finally together. Spouses know everything about each other: preferences, tastes, habits. Passions have not been boiling in the matrimonial bedroom for a long time. Everything in a relationship is smooth and predictable.
Experts explain this by the fact that, after about two and a half years, the production of hormones of happiness and joy begins to decline. And with it, sexual attraction melts.
In addition, according to psychologists, the crisis of achievement in men affects - the beloved woman has been conquered and will not go anywhere. Why try?
The situation is often complicated by the appearance of a baby. And even if both spouses dreamed about this event, it still often alienates them from each other. After all, most of the woman's attention now goes to the child. And because of this, many men begin to feel lonely and unnecessary. To maintain a relationship at this stage, experts teach, you need to learn, while maintaining closeness, to keep your distance.
- Each of the spouses needs to get their own affairs and friends, - advises Dmitry Oreshin. “This little isolation will only help them to get closer again. Everyone will bring something from their own world that they can share with their half.
And psychologists advise to treat the crisis of achievement by setting new goals. They will perfectly relieve boredom and the desire to change your wife.
The next problems in the family lie in wait for the spouses in the fifth year of marriage. The spouses suddenly find themselves as if on different planets. The husband is more likely to be late at work. Meeting friends, fishing, going to football are becoming an integral part of his life. And when he and his wife still find themselves together, it turns out that they really have nothing to talk about. The difference in interests is becoming more and more tangible, which cannot be said about sexual interest in each other.
Most psychologists explain the crisis of the fifth year of life by the fact that by this time the family nest is already fully formed, the main joint tasks have been solved, and new ones that could unite the spouses somehow do not emerge. interests. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to watch the football you hate with your husband or, on the contrary, make him wander with you through exhibitions of contemporary art. Find new interests that unite both.
“Spend time together more often, go somewhere together, try to give each other joy,” the psychologist recommends. - Imagine that there is a completely unfamiliar, but very nice person next to you and try to please him.
According to psychologists, it is the crisis of five years that makes it possible to check whether a life partner was chosen correctly.
The crisis hitting the family at this time is one of the most severe.
In terms of features, it is somewhat reminiscent of the five-year crisis. The only difference is that even joint walks and heart-to-heart conversations do not have the desired effect. And it is even difficult to imagine what it is in such a well-studied spouse that can surprise or cause delight. Everything is adjusted, clarified and said. Alienation in relationships grows along with indifference to each other.
During this period, even women, who are especially in need of attention, dare to cheat. And if a gentleman appears on the horizon with a full set of romantic courtship - flowers, compliments, gifts, then many wives are capable of rash acts. There is no clear explanation of why many cannot withstand the seventh year of life together. Sociologists refer to fairy tales and myths in which "seven" has always been a magic number. Doctors are trying to explain what is happening by the renewal of the body, which occurs every seven years. Some psychologists believe that the whole point is that the human psyche needs to start a new relationship every seven years.
In addition, for many families, the seventh year of marriage coincides with the child's going to first grade. This entails another redistribution of family responsibilities and, of course, stress. In addition, parents have to give up the idea of themselves as young people, which entails an assessment of what has been achieved. And if the results are not satisfactory, then the soul begins to demand changes.
- In addition, in seven years, as a rule, one of the spouses has time to change a lot, - Dmitry Oreshin explains the reasons for the crisis, - and the second is noticeably lagging behind in its development. Well, or it is developing in a completely opposite direction, which in no way contributes to the establishment of a common language between the spouses. As a result, it turns out that everyone lives in their own world and moves in an independent direction. And, looking closely, the spouses discover a completely stranger next to them.
Therefore, the only way to keep a marriage afloat after seven years is to start changing yourself, but, of course, taking into account your life partner. In love, experts say, it is very important how much you can allow another to penetrate into your “I” and change it.
But, even after overcoming such a difficult stage in family life, you should not relax. Because, at about the twelfth or fourteenth year of life, another crisis will overtake you.
According to experts, it is directly related to the so-called midlife crisis. A significant part of life, it turns out, is not lived at all the way it was once imagined. Against this background, women begin to envy their friends who have more successful husbands, men want to start all over again. And a new novel, it seems to him, gives such an opportunity. “During this period, a woman needs special wisdom,” the psychologist believes. - Even if you find out about your spouse's betrayal, you should not panic and scandal, sort things out. Although pretending that your husband is completely indifferent to you is also not worth it. Try to be especially empathetic and considerate of your troubled spouse.
It is necessary to help keep his wavering self-esteem, give him the opportunity to believe in himself, his own strength, help to see some new horizons.
The reward for these efforts will be the saved family. True, there will be another crisis ahead of her - grown children. Psychologists call it empty nest syndrome. Suddenly it turns out that the spouses have no common interests at all. And many are kept from divorce only by the fear of loneliness.
It turns out that the whole family life is a series of constant crises. However, experts say one should not be afraid of them.
- There is nothing bad and terrible in crises, - explains the psychologist. - There is no family development without a crisis. The crisis is the same obligatory law of development as the law of universal gravitation.
So do not be afraid of crises and rush to divorce. In the end, each difficult family stage lived together brings the spouses closer. This means it makes their relationship stronger.