Sex After Childbirth: Why It Changes And How To Fix It

Sex After Childbirth: Why It Changes And How To Fix It
Sex After Childbirth: Why It Changes And How To Fix It

Video: Sex After Childbirth: Why It Changes And How To Fix It

Video: Sex After Childbirth: Why It Changes And How To Fix It
Video: Sex After Childbirth | Oakdale ObGyn 2024, March
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Bombora publishes a book by sexologist Marty Klein, Sexual Intelligence. “Looking at the many stories from his practice, Dr. Klein explains: what is sexual intelligence and how to increase its level; why “young sex” should be replaced by “smart sex”, and also how to understand what you need in sex and convey it to your partner,”the book's annotation says. We invite you to read a fragment of the third part of the book, in which Klein talks about his patients Margot and Duane, and also explains why, as relationships develop, it is so important to look for new ways to obtain sexual pleasure. For readers over 18 years old.

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My sessions with Margot and Duane began a year after their first child was born. They were very upset that they stopped having sex regularly. They could not understand why one of them (or both) always had some excuses.

A thirty-two-year-old man and woman had almost everything that society considered necessary for great sex. Both looked amazing. Duane was making good money. They paid for the nanny for the child. They not only loved, they also seemed to be highly attracted to each other. So why is there no sex? Or, as Margot put it, "Why do we have a sexual desire disorder?"

By asking them many questions during our sessions, I learned quite a lot about them. As with most of my patients, we found some pretty serious reasons for the behavior they wanted to change. And - no, none of them were associated with "disorder."

In general, Margot was very fond of sex - and loved to have it with Duane. Unlike some women who have little interest in sex after spending an entire day alone with an active, healthy toddler, Margot wanted her husband to crave her. She said that she "needed" it to feel appreciated, mature and sexy - something that’s hard to feel like after you’ve been finger-painting all day. She was ready to respond to almost any invitation to sexual pleasures, but it never came.

Dwayne loved sex too - and loved sex with Margot. But after a twelve-hour day at work and putting his daughter to bed (immediately upon returning home), he almost collapsed. He longed to quickly go to bed with his sexy wife - and unwittingly make her continue to accumulate energy for their erotic life. But no matter how much she talked about sex and was jealous of other couples passionate about each other, she never took the initiative.

Of course, in the good old days, they didn't have that problem. When they first graduated from college, they made love every morning and every night. Both clearly remember that in those days no one started first, everything happened somehow "by itself." And both just waited for everything to happen "by itself" again. This is not "dysfunction", it was just a wrong assumption.

We discussed their desire for youthful sex. I explained that their lives had changed and that for sex to “happen,” one of them needed to be proactive. And - yes, this person can hear the word "no". Both were struck even by the thought of it: it was so unlike their previous sex life. And even if they start making love again, it probably won't take an hour or two like it used to. They also did not want to put up with such a prospect.

They continued to insist that they loved sex and wanted to have sex, but did not want to accept the option that I said was available to them. And they just lived on without sex at all, thinking how to change the situation.

Meanwhile, Margot was ready to conceive again, and the sooner the better. She really, really wanted a son. And since Marilyn was almost two years old, it was high time to have a second one.

Dwayne didn’t share this enthusiasm. And this also did not help in any way to improve their sex life. As I told them, "working on sexual relations while you are dealing with fertility issues is like trying to balance the wheels while the car is racing down the highway at seventy miles an hour."

Be that as it may, they wanted to continue working with me, and I agreed. For his own reasons, Dwayne soon decided on a son, saying only one thing to Margot:

- I am worried about what will happen if we fail to give birth to a son. I don't want to keep trying endlessly, you know?

Only slightly alarmed, she happily said yes. They managed to conceive almost immediately, and there was no "dysfunction" here.

They took a break from therapy when Margot had been pregnant for several months. Exactly in time, they finally had a second child - a beautiful, healthy girl.

Five months after the birth of little Charlotte, Duane and Margot came to me again. For many women, it takes about a year for their sex drive to return after childbirth. But not with Margot: three weeks after the birth of her daughter, she was ready to make love. Announcing this to Duane, she again began to wait for him to start chasing her around the house.

She was very embarrassed for her body - she still weighed five kilograms more than before pregnancy, and the level of grooming did not meet her previous harsh standards. So she wanted sex, but she also wanted to be notified about it in advance, so that she had time to epilate everything, wash, pluck, smear with lotions, and so on. This made their sex life even more difficult.

Dwayne also hesitated to continue making love - for very different reasons. He only laughed at Margot's suggestions that now her beautiful body was not as attractive as it used to be. According to him, now he was greatly concerned about contraception. He was happy to have two children, no matter if it was a son or a daughter. He felt that they already had enough worries, and was sure that she felt the same way. But he was afraid that she would be depressed if he openly expressed his reluctance to try to give birth to a son, so he did not speak about it directly enough not to offend Margot.

She wanted to be molested, so she could not take the initiative herself. He was worried that he would be forced to try to conceive a son (or that she would accidentally become pregnant), and therefore could not take the initiative either. And so, month after month, they missed the opportunity to have great sex like the one they had many years ago.

None of them wanted to use condoms (they seemed "disgusting" to her, but he considered them unreliable). She didn't want to use hormonal methods like pills because of the potential side effects and weight gain.

They talked about whether Margot could ever be happy with "just" two adorable healthy daughters. She replied that right now she did not need a son, and perhaps (possibly!) She would even live without him. But she could not make such a decision right away.

Meanwhile, they had no sex. She wanted him to start courtship first, and he didn’t want to risk so that she didn’t get pregnant again.

And then I asked them about sex without the risk of conception - non-penetrating. Oral sex, anal play, caressing the genitals with hands, biting, whispering, sucking, stroking, flirting.

“Oh, foreplay,” Margot said.- I'd rather have sex.

“We've done all of these things before,” Dwayne said. - And now? - Well, I like Margot's blowjobs, but after that we both want sex. And I would feel guilty if I got a great blowjob, and Margot remained upset that real sex did not happen.

The only dysfunction here was their distorted perceptions of "real sex." Their mutual opposition to such an opportunity as good sex without penetration boggles the imagination: this is not "real sex", they prefer something else, it is somehow stupid, they do not want to "be forced" to do this, they will feel ridiculous doing this second-rate nonsense. Typical explanations I hear every week.

It was a global lack of imagination - and an illustration of their limited Sexual Intelligence.

- We know what real sex looks like, we used to do it all the time before. And this is something else,”Margot sulked.

Agreeing, Dwayne predicted that "non-penetrative sex alone" would leave them emotionally hungry. And they continued not to have sex at all, emotionally starving and needing emotional closeness.

I tried to dig deeper to understand what was the reason for this resistance.

“First you say that sex life will never be the same, then you say that we should not hope for real sex until we figure out the issue of conceiving another child,” said Margot, upset. “To accept that, I, I… would have to change! she said eagerly.

“Yes,” I nodded sympathetically. - If you and your husband want to have sex at this stage in life, you will have to change.

They replied that they were in the game. But no matter how I tried to convince them, they simply could not get used to this idea. So these bright, attractive, lustful people gave up sex again.

Intelligence value

We just saw one couple reject sex because the option available to them did not meet certain standards in their heads. We have witnessed how people try to achieve a sense of relief and assert themselves, believing that excellent sexual function will help them in this. And they explain this to themselves by the fact that it is she who provides you with incredible orgasms and gives your partner delightful pleasure.

Instead of discussing how you can enhance sexual function, let's turn to a completely different view of sex. Let's talk about what you actually need to create and maintain sexual pleasure and intimacy over time. As a bonus, this approach will also free you from shyness and self-criticism and significantly reduce your need for validation of your normalcy and competence in sex.

This approach involves developing and using your Sexual Intelligence. Sexual Intelligence is a collection of inner resources that allow you to relax, live in the present moment, interact, respond to stimulation, and create a physical and emotional connection with your partner. When you can do this, you will begin to enjoy your sexuality, no matter how your body functions. Compared to this kind of emotional and physical nourishment, the biggest and hardest boner or the wettest and narrowest vagina is nothing.

Sexual Intelligence is more than knowledge, more than patience, more than confidence, and more than just love for your body. It's all at once, only even better.

Undoubtedly, "intelligence" is a familiar and rather useful concept. It can be defined as “ability”: the ability to learn or solve problems. You can give a narrow definition: the innate ability to know or the ability to think abstractly. Or broadly: the ability to understand different ways of recognizing and organizing information and choosing the best option in a particular situation.

Imagine that you, completely unexpectedly and without any preparation, wake up tomorrow in another country, say, Norway. You do not speak Norwegian, you only have your passport and 400 NOK with you. (Let's imagine that everything happens in the summer - we don't want you to freeze to death before you even start thinking.) To figure out what to do next, you need more than knowledge - you need intelligence. You need to determine what questions to ask, how to find people who can help you, how to make decisions in different cultural settings, and so on.

That's what Sexual Intelligence is - not the ability to perform miracles in bed or function like you're still twenty-two. No, Sexual Intelligence is expressed in the ability to evoke and maintain sexual desire in oneself in not the most ideal or comfortable situation. This is the ability to adapt to your changing body; curiosity and open-mindedness about what pleasure, intimacy and satisfaction are; the ability to adjust when things don't go according to plan: the lubrication runs out, one of you needs to go to the bathroom during sex, or you lose an erection, or one of you calls the other the wrong name. Or all at once. (One of Will Ferrell's films comes to mind.)

This is why everyone needs Sexual Intelligence. And that's why it helps you relax and enjoy sex in ways you never thought possible before.

When trying to cope with their anxiety, their own sexuality, and their partner's sexuality, most people look at sex life from typical angles: “normal” sex, sexual function and “dysfunction”, self-delusion, trying to remember “what women want,” and so on. Most of my patients (maybe you are familiar with this?) Have proven by their own example that such a limited approach does not lead to pleasure and rapprochement. What do they need instead? Not technique or ideal body, but Sexual Intelligence.

Read more

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"Let's Talk About This" and 7 other books that will help you tell your child about sex

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