Scientists at the University of Arizona, led by psychologist Dr.Kyle Bourass, have spent 32 years researching conflicts and quarrels among married couples to find out how reactions that provoke anger affect health.
After a long observation of 194 couples, scientists came to the conclusion that conflicts with loved ones are not so harmful to health, and to some extent even beneficial if people quarrel with the same intensity.
Moreover, scientists assure that if you symmetrically respond to the reproaches of the other side, no matter how difficult the situation may be, the chances of quickly reaching reconciliation are much higher than if you suppress resentment and anger. Research statistics showed that the more the subjects contained their anger during family quarrels, the more often they fell ill and died prematurely. These results were published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine.
But what if the conflicts in the family do not end, the man does not listen to you, and the socks are still scattered around the apartment? It turns out that the whole point is that you do not know how to quarrel correctly, experts are sure.
“When a negative situation arises, be sure to express your dissatisfaction. This must be done with confidence so that it is clear what exactly it is. Your complaints will be heard and taken into account with a greater degree of probability if you do not summarize and recall everything. Avoid getting personal. In other words, it is worth talking about the situation that has happened without insults, curses and labeling a person. Just express your negative feelings and your opinion about the current situation. This should be done with a confident, clear intonation, trying not to raise your voice too much,”explains psychologist Tatiana Poritskaya.
Rule 1: do not try to resolve the conflict in a state of emotional excitement
As long as you are in a state of passion, no conflict will be resolved. It is important to remember this. So first, calm down your emotions.
“If an emotion caught up with you during a conversation, then, under any pretext, leave the interlocutor. You need to let off steam. The simplest thing is to breathe deeply. If retirement is still not possible, then do it with your partner. Let him see that you are striving to master yourself. It will only be a plus,”advises the psychologist and sexologist Vasilena Zhuravina.
If the breathing exercise did not help, you can move on to more radical measures: writing on a napkin, stomping your feet or even swearing - the main thing is alone, says Zhuravina.
“Try to literally slow down. Try to move more slowly, think, breathe more slowly. Stay in this state for a couple of minutes and be sure to remember that you love this person, no matter what. Yes, now he has caused you severe pain, and you want to let him know how bad you are, but remember that all this will pass, "adds psychologist Natalya Zholudeva.
Rule 2: convey to a man how solving a problem will make you happy
In an argument with a man, you need to focus not on personal reproaches. It is important to convey to him why a broken crane, lack of a car and vacation make you unhappy, advises Olga Lazareva, a psychologist at the MEDIKA medical holding.
So, in order to get a result from a man, tell us how important it is to you. Speak softly and without reproach. Be weak. For a man, there is no greater incentive for achievement.
It so happens that a woman is unhappy with everything. Whatever the man does, she will still grumble: “So what - the crane is repaired! Nonsense! The neighbors have bought a new house! " In such a situation, no one will want to do anything, and it will be more difficult to force a man. There is no sense, because no matter how hard you try, it will still be bad.
“Another thing is that it is difficult for a woman to cope with her feelings, and a quarrel happens by itself. A man perceives a conflict as a challenge to a fight, where it is necessary to show who is stronger. The head in these moments turns off, only instincts work: we must win. Later, when everything is calm, he will understand that he won not a real enemy, but his own woman,”says Lazareva.
“I-messages” work great, which make the man understand the logic of your experiences, discontent and other negative feelings.
“The scheme consists of three blocks:“When you… (we describe what he does, but don't run into, strictly facts) stay late at work and don’t call, I… (describe my emotional state) get angry and worried, come up with different horrors, it seems to me you got hit by a train and I'm scared … Please (we formulate a request - what do we want from him in connection with these feelings of ours), let me know if you are late. Or do you want me to call you myself, tell me when it is convenient for you? " The circuit works great. Men usually understand the language of logic well. Therefore, if they know the reason, it will be easier for them to do what you ask,”emphasizes psychotherapist Yulia Kolonskaya.
Rule 3: avoid value judgments
Have you noticed that as soon as you start telling a man general phrases: “You don’t care about me”, “You don’t love me and don’t understand”, the quarrel only intensifies? Expressions like these make a man defend himself against you.
“Do not use expressions such as:“You always do this”,“You never”,“You are forever”. These words make the opponent feel guilty, so he will begin to prove his case and make excuses, or attack in response. And, as a rule, it always ends with a stormy showdown,”says Natali Ichenko, a practicing psychologist, founder of the Center for Practical Psychology“SENTIO”.
You can criticize, scold, evaluate only actions or deeds, but not the person himself.
“It is wrong to tell your partner that he is a scoundrel, a scoundrel and a worthless person, especially since this is not true - you could not love a scoundrel and scoundrel, could you? When addressing your spouse, criticize only the act that brought you so many unpleasant minutes,”adds Natalya Zholudeva.
To demonstrate the advice of psychologists in practice, we simulated several situations that could arise through the fault of a man, and asked experts to comment on them.
Situation 1: The man knew that you did not have the keys to the house. You have previously agreed that he will leave the keys in the mailbox / neighbors before going to the meeting. However, he forgot to leave the keys, and did not answer calls and text messages. You had to wait at the entrance for an hour and a half. What to do?
“When explaining the situation, try to talk about your feelings - this is usually an undeniable argument. You will probably say: "You don't think about me at all, you knew that I had no key, but you didn't care how I got home, you thought only about yourself, you are an egoist, you humiliated me!" I guarantee that you will cause a flurry of negative feelings towards yourself and the chances of ending up in peace will plummet. Or you can say the following: “I had the feeling that you forgot about me, I was so hurt and so offended, I sat and cried, I felt abandoned, it seemed to me that I meant nothing to you, and now it hurts when I think about it. I want you to remember me,”says Natalya Zheludeva.
“You could say:“Yes, I couldn't get home because I didn't have the key. I tried to get through to you, but you did not answer your calls. So I waited for you in the stairwell for an hour and a half. And now she is very, very angry with you! And besides that, I froze, I feel very sick in my soul, from the fact that it seems to me: you did it on purpose. And I don't know what to do with all this now. " And then you can just silently wait for his explanation.Believe me, this option will not force him to attack, defending himself against you.
By handing over the word to the man for an answer, you will show that no matter what, you respect him, which will automatically cause a desire to return you in the same coin. After he has explained, it is important to give him that opportunity. Be sure to explain what you want now. This point is just as obligatory as all the previous ones, as it translates the situation into a constructive one. So that what "smacked" of a scandal, received a positive development. This will strengthen your negotiation skills. And the last thing: remember that you are sometimes wrong. And if you can understand and forgive, then you, in turn, will be understood and forgiven,”answers Vasilena Zhuravina.
Rule 4: stay focused on the conflict
Very often during a quarrel, past grievances are recalled. And this only complicates communication. Sometimes partners even forget why they quarreled, begin to discuss the events of five years ago, blame relatives or friends. By the way, women sin more often, men sin. Experts warn that this only complicates the relationship. With such methods, a woman will never achieve the desired result from her man.
“Very often during a quarrel, the subject of the conflict is lost, everything falls into one heap, old grievances are recalled, relatives intervene, a transition to personalities occurs. Stay on topic. It is very important. Otherwise, you can say unpleasant words, which you will later regret. Grievances and unspoken claims tend to accumulate and one day they can break through, like a dam. In the future, this can lead to a conflict, where the cause will be insignificant, and the reaction to it and the strength of emotions are disproportionately large. It is necessary to calmly and frankly sort things out, find "painful" points, adequately resolve conflict situations in order to preserve love and relationships, "says psychologist Natalie Ichenko.
By the way, if the purpose of your quarrel is simply to sort things out, let off steam, get emotional release for past grievances, psychologists simply advise you to warn the man that now you want to quarrel with him.
Rule 5: don't let a man make you feel guilty
Many experts agree that tantrums over little things are a sign of low female self-esteem. For example, the cause of frequent groundless conflicts can be a subconscious block on a happy relationship.
“If a man often offends you, violates your boundaries, then most likely you have a ban on a happy relationship. Such prohibitions come from childhood. A man by his behavior only indicates that it is necessary to pay attention to self-esteem,”says Julia Kotyakhova, an expert on individual initiation of male and female maturity.
However, if the man really was to blame for the situation that happened, instead of making amends, he may try to make you guilty. In no case should such provocations be supported.
“It is very important from the very beginning to indicate that“you cannot do this with me”. Decide what is unacceptable for you under any circumstances: cheating, discussing you with some specific people, assault. And this should not be just said, but accepted by both parties. Your own confidence in these boundaries will allow you to convincingly convey it to your partner. Everyone decides for himself that this situation, if this happens, will become the end of the relationship. Some metro doors say "no entry", although sometimes you can still enter them. Your doors must be locked for certain situations,”explains the practicing psychologist Alena Al-As.
Sometimes assessing your own actions and righteousness in the process of an argument can be difficult. Experts recommend writing down the situation that happened, as well as your own feelings and experiences in a notebook. And re-read them the next time they try to make you feel guilty.
“Do not fall for manipulation and attempts to shove the blame for what you have done on you.The best way to assess the situation soberly is to write down everything that happened on paper. And then analyze your discomfort in concretely measurable numbers: how many hours did you, for example, wait for a man because he forgot to leave you the keys to the house, how much money you lost because of this, what problems with health, well-being, self-esteem you have after that appeared, how you started to feel, and so on. Reread all of this every time they try to make you feel guilty. At the same time, it will help to assess the adequacy of your claim.
It is important to remember here that non-material, psychological problems, for example, a decrease in your self-esteem or a spoiled mood, are no less worth the lost material resources. Because poor health, mood and low self-esteem subsequently, in any case, will negatively affect the productivity of your work. In any relationship, love and respect yourself first. And don't let anyone, regardless of your status, importance and degree of kinship with you, scoff at yourself,”explained Anastasia Stepanenko, coach for quick and effective problem solving.
Rule 6: if the man is at fault, assess the damage received and ask for compensation
If the man was still wrong and has already admitted his mistakes, experts advise not to hesitate to ask for compensation for the suffering or inconvenience caused to you.
“For the first time, you don’t need to forgive anything and say:“Come on, everything is all right, darling!”, Because the situation brought discomfort to the woman. It is important to explain to the man once what the problem is and clearly indicate that you do not like this attitude towards yourself. The best way to demonstrate this is to have a conversation with a man: “It caused me discomfort and damage to my nervous system and health, and I do not like to be nervous. Therefore, to atone for your guilt, buy me such and such a thing. Then I will forgive you, but I will not tolerate such antics in my address anymore. I respect others, but I demand the same for myself in relationships."
And tell (just say, not ask) a man to buy you a thing that will be adequately commensurate with the damage caused to you. Not a dish sponge or frying pan. Not a carnation or a lonely rose. Not a chocolate bar or diet bar. And something significant that will make a man regret what he has done and work hard to atone for his guilt,”says Anastasia Stepanenko.
Rule 7: keep your distance
There is no need to pretend that everything is in order immediately. After the end of the quarrel, it is best to keep your distance for at least half an hour, and preferably several hours. The thing is that the human psyche is not able to recover from negative experiences in a few minutes. Moreover, it may seem to a man that the quarrel was frivolous.
“If you are too easy-going, then immediately calm down and behave as if nothing happened. And this is too fast smoothing. Often easy-going people actually harbor resentment and then remember everything. Or when a person so quickly forgets and forgives everything, others do not take his remarks seriously. It is better to keep your distance for some time after the conversation. For example, be alone and mind your own business. Allow feelings to truly subside. Discontent cannot go away in five minutes. For this reason, it is difficult to go from resentment and anger to a positive attitude in a couple of minutes.
Depending on the situation, it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours for the feelings to really subside. In no case should you just be demonstratively silent and ignore a man. If, after expressing dissatisfaction, your chosen one immediately behaves as if nothing happened, starts joking fun and engages you in other topics, you need to say the following: “I am still unhappy and feel offended, so I cannot joke and pretend that nothing happened.Give me time to come to my senses,”psychologist Tatiana Poritskaya advises.
Situation 2: A faucet, an interior door and a chandelier broke down at home. For three weeks now, the man has been promising to do the repairs, but nothing has changed. What to do?
“Rather than continuing to get angry and nag your husband, agree that a“specially trained person”will do it, and the husband will finance. Just say so: “Darling, I see that you do not have time or you don’t want to do it. I understand, but you still need to do it. I called (someone there), it will cost so much. " If you hear the answer: "Pay yourself," then the problem is much deeper than a leaking tap or a broken lock. Almost any problem that has arisen can be solved with a normal conversation without lectures and getting personal. And if in your case this is not possible, then you initially chose the wrong person. No sort of showdown, let alone scandals, will help. There is simply no sense in them,”Alena Al-As comments.
“Consider the option when a man is lying on the couch, and the house has faulty equipment or unfinished repairs. Such a man himself expects something from his wife. He sees his mother as a mother. He wants to get from her what he did not receive in childhood. He certainly has masculine strength, but like Emelya from a fairy tale, he still needs to lie on the "oven" and mature in order to be responsible for his masculine duties. I suggest you stop caring about a man “like a mother”. A woman in such a family usually "stops a galloping horse every day and enters a burning hut several times a day." All this needs to be stopped, start building your self-esteem. And if you seriously want to change your relationship, then contact a specialist,”concludes Natalya Zholudeva.
How to live happily and in harmony with yourself? How to learn to love yourself? How to find and keep a man? Want to know the answers to these questions? Then watch the premiere of the new project "Mom Can't Teach This" on weekdays at 12:30 on the MIR TV channel. “Mom won't teach you this” is a tele-textbook on a happy life from the famous female coach Pavel Rakov.