What Should Not Be Said To A Loved One?

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What Should Not Be Said To A Loved One?
What Should Not Be Said To A Loved One?

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Video: What to Say (and Not Say) to Comfort Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One 2022, December

Sometimes a word accidentally dropped spoils life and relationships. What phrases should not be said to a loved one and answered if they are presented to you?


1. "It's all your fault!"

Even if the cat remained hungry due to the fault of a partner or you wind up the fifth circle around the city due to the fact that he forgot the right address, this is not a reason to point the finger and blame. Be smarter - don't add fuel to the fire! Wait until the passions subside and then without emotion, discuss what you can do to prevent the situation from happening again.

2. "You are not my mom!"

Usually they say this if the partner is too caring, constantly patronizing and controlling. But the last person your loved one wants to be in your eyes is a parent. Respect his feelings and do not offend! After all, this concern is from the best intentions.

It is interesting!

The famous saying says: "Opposites attract." And there is some truth in this! Research from Columbia University has shown that relationships last longer in which partners have not only similarities, but also differences - things that lovers could learn from each other.

3. "Let me show you how it should be"

Each person is pleased to feel that he can solve his own affairs and problems himself. Prompts under a hot hand, and even more so that cast doubt on the authority and hitting on pride, upset and hurt. They seem to say: "You are incompetent, I do everything better!" If you have ideas, you'd better say: “I have an offer - would you like me to tell you?”.

4. "That's it, I'm getting a divorce!"

“After you say these words, there will be no turning back. You can't change that, says relationship expert April Masini. "This is a topic that you should never bring up, unless, of course, you love and want to keep the relationship and marriage."

Did you know?

It turns out that the catch phrase: “You broke my heart” is not a metaphor at all. Scientists have provided compelling evidence that traumatic events such as separation, divorce, or the loss of a loved one can cause real physical pain in the heart. This condition is called "broken heart syndrome" in medicine.

5. "I always do everything myself"

This is what the fair sex often says. They can spend all day at home looking after children or doing routine tasks from a to-do list. But still, as long as the responsibility for material well-being (or other aspects of life) lies with the partner, this phrase will be an exaggeration, and therefore will not solve the problem.

Instead of telling what your partner is not doing, focus on what he is doing. Feelings of gratitude and praise inspire and encourage you to do more.

6. "I don't have time for this."

If your loved one invites you to the cinema, to a disco or to a restaurant, you need to agree! Every free minute is the perfect time for intimacy and reciprocity. Many couples are "unaccustomed" to each other because they "have no time" to work on the relationship. And when time finally "appears", it turns out that there are no common things anymore. Take time to get closer to your partner!


When lovers look into each other's eyes, their pulse is synchronized, - showed research by scientists from the University of California at Berkeley, USA. This happens within three minutes.

7. "You make an elephant out of a fly"

No matter how insignificant the problem of a loved one may seem to you, you should not discount his feelings. Say "Is this a problem ?!" it is actually easy, much more difficult to provide support and help.

8. "A real man would not do that!"

Nobody knows who a "real man" is today. And what he should do or not do - too. Therefore, it is hardly worth shaming your partner, relying on beliefs and ideas about the very “present”.It is better to tell what you expect from him and how you would like him to act in a particular situation.

Did you know?

When lovers embrace, their bodies increase the level of the "love hormone" - oxytocin. Studies have shown that this hormone has analgesic properties. For example, it can stop a headache for 4 hours! Perhaps the hug of a loved one is the best alternative to pills.

9. "I told you!"

Forget about this phrase forever, even if you really spoke! There is no person who would never be wrong. Everyone has the right to do as he sees fit at the moment. And if the decision is made incorrectly, life's lesson will not keep you waiting. And there is nothing wrong with that! These are all experiences that are said to come over the years and make us wiser.

10. "If you loved me"

you would do it. And then a list of 10 items. Manipulating a loved one is a downright bad idea. Sooner or later, the moment will come when the partner will show his character and tell everything that he thinks about the veiled ultimatums. And then a quarrel cannot be avoided, but did you achieve this?


In the 1980s, scientist and biologist Charles Darwin suggested that with increased attention and concentration, the pupils dilate. And indeed it is! When looking at a loved one, the pupils really become larger and this, according to the findings of scientists, makes us look more attractive in their eyes.

11. "And my mother cooked borscht like that!"

Men like to abuse this phrase, while often risking their health and well-being. Not every woman will withstand the constant pressure of “And my mother” and someday will definitely send her partner to pack her suitcase and go to the woman who has authority in his eyes. Beloved mother is wonderful, but do not forget about your beloved woman!

12. "In your family, everyone is a failure!"

As much as you like your partner's closest relatives, evaluating their personalities and actions can be fraught. Family is sacred! Even if today a son is offended by his mother, tomorrow he may be offended by you if you say something bad about the woman who gave birth to him and raised him. Do not forget about this - keep neutrality!

Did you know?

A 75-year study by researchers at Harvard University has shown that love is the most important thing in the world. The experience of the respondents showed that everything in this life - happiness and self-realization, in one way or another, revolved around love. It was she who was the main stimulus and driving force.

13. "You don't understand me"

This phrase can hide behind both men and women who themselves cannot understand themselves and explain why they acted this way and not otherwise. In other words, this is a convenient formulation that allows you not to look for logic in your actions and end the conversation on time. But if it sounds too often, sooner or later a moment comes when you don't want to understand anything and the only way out is to break off the relationship.

14. "Honey, what are you thinking about now?"

About new tights, a gorgeous fur coat, how many days before PMS, or whether it is worth eating a second bowl of soup In short - nothing that you would like to hear. So it's best not to ask. If there is something important, you will be informed.


40% of women prefer to part with a man when they find out that their friends did not like him.

15. "Here's my ex"

I repaired shelves on demand, rushed to the other end of town to pick up from work and bought flowers every Friday It doesn't matter what and how the ex-man did in the woman's life, much more important is how she feels about him now. Constantly remembering the past, a woman makes her man think: “Is this relationship over? Or why is she constantly talking to me about him?"

16. "How tired of your friends I am!"

This phrase at least once, but escaped from the lips of every woman.Friends of a loved one are not always perceived positively, because they "steal" the most valuable thing - his time, which he could spend on his beloved woman. That is why there are so many claims to those who went through "fire, water and copper pipes." And once, it seems, they even registered in your apartment. But declaring war on these "crooks", a woman knowingly condemns herself to failure. Therefore, do not swear, but try to negotiate! A man is unlikely to refuse to communicate with those with whom he has long and firm friendships.

It is interesting!

Nearly 40% of men feel insecure on their first date with a woman, studies show.

17. "You urgently need to lose weight!"

Criticism of the partner's appearance is a frankly disastrous business! Instead of cultivating complexes and feelings of self-doubt in your loved one, try to infect him with a positive example. Plan hiking and camping trips together, participate in quests, and visit more often. Look for active leisure time and cook healthy food! The one who motivates always wins.

18. "Do you remember what day it is?"

This phrase can drive into a corner even a pedantic person, who has everything according to the schedule, "under the ruler" and strictly according to the rules. Regularly forcing your partner to guess and sort out significant and unimportant dates can get you into a big fight. But even if a loved one has forgotten some moment in your life, this is not a reason for reproaches, and even more so for playing in silence. You need to create a festive mood yourself!

Did you know?

Studies show that a man realizes that he fell in love with a woman on the third date, while the fair sex needs at least 14 meetings for this!

19. "You Can't Kiss"

This is a rather offensive phrase, and it is a fatal mistake to say that. In the end, it is not how the partner kisses that matters, but what he is thinking about at that moment. Everything else is a matter of practice.

20. "How many men (women) did you have before me?"

There is no right answer to this question. Anyone will be losing and may turn into a breakup. For one, the lack of experience in the intimate sphere is important, and for the other, the ability to be liberated and the desire to repeat any experiment. Do not ask your partner about the ex, it is better to make you always beloved and desired present!

Expert commentary

Anna Ilyinichna Gaikalova, psychologist, teacher, practical psychophysiologist, educator, writer

Each person has pain zones that it is better not to touch ever. Usually they are known only to close ones, and this is one of the reasons why it is close people who are able to inflict the most painful blow, which often happens due to the human desire to hit as painfully as possible in an argument. It is in these situations that words are heard that you can later regret. What are the pain zones?

They can be both real and self-hypnosis. For example, a girl thinks that her eye is squinting, she once shared this with her beloved or friend. In the heat of a quarrel, the words "you are oblique" or "and do not look at me with your sidelong eyes" can plunge a girl who is not particularly mentally stable into deep depression and even develop a phobia, and such cases are not so rare.

We understand that in the place of the squinting eye there can be any non-existent or valid feature. It's not about her and not about her presence. It is only a matter of a person's personal perception of himself and to the extent to which he is able to dramatize the situation.

In the heat of a quarrel, you should never touch your partner's intimate abilities. If you throw words in a man's face that he never satisfied a woman, a man will not be able to forget these words, no matter how much later the woman swears otherwise, no matter how she tries to demonstrate real or imaginary satisfaction. These words, as a rule, turn out to be the reason for the separation of partners.

Any expressions associated with depreciating what is really important to the other person, making fun of the partner's values ​​can also cause unhealed wounds and serve as a trigger for divorce.

Devaluation in the communication of people in general is a topic that must be studied separately from the point of view of compliance with safety measures and the safety of relations between people. A child should not be told that he is “all in his father” or “all in his mother” if the parents are in conflict and put aggression and negativity into this message. Under no circumstances can an adopted or foster child be told that he is all in his own blood parent, or something about genetics and blood. These statements also belong to the realm of those who do not forget and do not forgive.

In general, I would advise scolding partners to be more careful in expressions, the higher the degree of the quarrel. The ability to control oneself in a situation of conflict, starting small, with diligence, successfully grows and produces transformations with a person's personality. A person becomes more interesting, richer and dearer to those around him.

Expert commentary

Natalia Flint, psychologist, gestalt therapist

If you want to maintain a relationship, it is important to remember that not everything you think about is worth knowing for your loved one. Your thoughts are your territory, you have every right not to tell anyone about them.

There are five taboo topics that it is better not to touch with your loved one:

"How could you hurt me, hurt me." Phrases-accusations

Do not tell your loved one the killer phrases of the relationship: “you upset me, disappointed, offended”, etc. This is perceived as aggression and attack. And then the interlocutor will defend himself. Better to reformulate: "You did (said) this, and I was upset by your words (deed)." With this formulation, you do not blame, you share your feelings. This sincerity most often causes a desire to be honest in return and take care of a loved one.

"I want you to change." Phrases-orders (requests) aimed at altering another

Phrases from the series “I want you to change, behave differently, stop doing this or that,” etc. - these phrases also ruin the relationship. Sooner or later, a person will begin to feel that his freedom is being limited, and this, you see, no one will like! He feels that he does not like him the way he is, and this is already insulting, this is perceived as a harsh rejection. At best, a person will close in himself, and you will never know about his feelings again.

What if you don't like something in the behavior of your loved one? Talk about your feelings about it. Discuss how their actions or inactions are beneficial to your relationship. Sometimes it’s only in such an uncomfortable conversation that a person begins to understand that his behavior is destroying your relationship.

"Wow, you are my bunny!" Phrases from Mom

"Have you dressed warmly?", "Eat fat again with your gastritis!" It may be pleasant to receive such maternal care, but such a partner is no longer perceived as a sexual spouse, but as a relative. And they don't sleep with relatives.

So either romance and passion, or the realization of the unused parental potential at the wrong address (when you behave with your loved one like a child).

"Don't dream about it with your salary." Hitting self-esteem and making comparisons not in his favor

“It would be better if I gave birth from Vasya”, “It’s because of you everything is so bad, you are to blame (to blame) for everything”, “What kind of guy are you after that!”, “You do not earn much.”

After using such phrases on a regular basis, you can be sure that the countdown to your relationship has already begun. It's time to carry out recovery work and again win the trust of a loved one.

"Your mother called again." Don't discount what is dear to him

Forget about criticizing his mom and other relatives, even if these people are already driving you crazy.Criticism will not help here. If you do not understand how at this age you can do nonsense like building boats or growing melons in the country, do not even try to understand this - there is no dispute about tastes.

His parents, work, hobbies, feelings - these are things that are dear to him in their own way. In some ways, this is even part of his personality. And by attacking these parts, you are attacking him - that is how it is perceived. And then your beloved will already defend against you.

In no case do not hit the weak points of your loved one! Remember the parable of the nails in the fence? When nails were hammered into the fence, and then they were taken out, the holes remained. So in relationships, words hurt. And even if over time a person will forgive you, but "the sediment will remain."

Expert commentary

Christina Gordova, female psychologist and coach

The relationship between a man and a woman always begins with affectionate words and ends with silence. Speech plays a huge role in building relationships, so it is extremely important to choose the right expressions and intonation. Remember, words can heal even the most painful relationships and kill even strong love!

In every family, disagreements happen, and this is absolutely normal. We are all different, and we do not have to fully support and agree with every word of our partner. In any controversial situation, you need to be able to find a compromise, avoiding swearing and hysteria. And in order not to spoil the relationship with your loved one, you should exclude the following expressions from your vocabulary:

"You are not a man!", "What a woman you are"

These phrases can deal a huge blow to the pride of your other half. Doubting a man's masculinity or a woman's femininity is actually putting the happiness and longevity of the family on the line. Both men and women perceive such claims very emotionally, especially if they are not at all justified.

But Masha, Tanya, Vova were not like that

Comparing your other half with your former loved ones is taboo. Firstly, if Tanya or Vova were so flawless, then why did you break up? And secondly, all people are different, and your current partner does not have to be like the previous one. Surely, he has many other positive qualities for which you love him.

I'm leaving! Goodbye

If you are not in the mood to break up the relationship, but only want to intimidate the other half, then you should not use such expressions. Nothing good will come of it. At best, your beloved or beloved will forgive you for a rash word and consider you an unbalanced person. In the worst case, a partner can help you pack your bags and call a taxi. And then it will be much more difficult to make excuses that it was said in the heat of the moment.

You will not do as I want, I will have a lover / mistress

Verbal manipulation and blackmail have not yet brought happiness to anyone. If you try to influence your partner by blackmailing him with the fact that you will go to another, then, in the end, you will lose your loved one forever. In addition, after such statements, your partner is unlikely to be able to fully trust you, become more suspicious, jealous and cautious. And more impressionable people may think that you already have someone. Then the relationship is simply doomed to failure.

Now I'll call your mom and tell her everything

You should never involve parents in a showdown between partners. First, you are not children for a long time and do not need advice from your mother or father. Secondly, you will make them worry unnecessarily (in most cases, after an hour, the couple stops swearing and forgets everything said in anger, but the parents do not). Thirdly, you will probably make up in the near future, but your mother or father can always harbor a grudge against you. Any disagreement is a matter of two, and there is no place for third parties.

Why are you so worthless

A typical example of a saw woman who is constantly on her nerves and blames her man for everything: low income, lack of her own home or car, broken crane, etc.

Emphasizing not the best qualities of a man, you will achieve absolutely nothing. Unless you will provoke a new scandal. If you want a man to earn more, to do all the male household chores, then just tell him about it without offensive hints and claims. “Honey, we do not have enough funds for (list what exactly. Not enough for life - not an argument, remember this!). Let's think about how you can earn more! ". This approach will quickly lead to the desired goal.

You don't deserve me

Inflated self-esteem is the scourge of modern girls. After watching motivating films and taking several courses on building self-esteem, the fair sex lose their sense of reality. If you are a really beautiful, successful, educated young lady with decent income, then feel free to leave and look for a man for yourself. If most of your merits are far-fetched, then descend from the heavens of the knowledge gained to earth, and look again at your partner. This person was chosen by you!

It doesn't even make sense to talk about the use of rude and offensive language, obscenities and slang words. It is strictly forbidden to apply them to any person, let alone a loved one.

Be-be-bears are also contraindicated

Some women go to the other extreme - the constant use of diminutive words. Of course, any man is pleased to hear gentle words addressed to him, but only in an intimate setting, where there is no one else besides you. But all sorts of "bunnies, cats, suns" during working hours can put a man in an awkward position in front of colleagues or even piss him off.

Remember that the most pleasant word for a person is his own name. Of course, you can call Andrey Andryusha, and Tatiana Tanyusha. This is enough!

Talk to each other more often, and then the relationship will last forever!

Expert commentary

Julia Golubeva, psychologist, gestalt therapist

What should not be said to a loved one? Any phrases that have a destructive meaning. Usually they contain negative information and "knock the ground out from under the feet" of the addressee. If you want to morally destroy, suppress all the aspirations of a loved one for development, quickly "drive him into the grave" and sail on his yacht to travel around the islands with friends, then such formulations are just what you need. But, as practice shows, people with yachts are good at getting rid of manipulators in time.

And in this case, the question arises: "Do you really live with your loved one?" If your goal is to support your beloved / beloved in difficult times, to cheer up at the moment when he / she gives up, then choose expressions! The following phrases cannot be said:

"You are stupid / slob" and other insults to the person

These words thrown in the heat demoralize the enemy. When you want to shout it out, it is useful to stop and remember that you are not on the battlefield, and that in front of you is not the enemy, but the chosen one. You can answer yourself the questions: “What brought us to this place? Why do I want to call her / him stronger now? What hurt me so? " and talk calmly to clarify the situation.

I knew you were a failure

From now on, you can stop expecting any success in your career and business from him / her. Although sometimes such phrases, it would seem, can be spurred on to great accomplishments. But more often this happens due to the independent assimilation of the unsuccessful result, the analysis of mistakes and the appropriation of the experience gained.

"From the very beginning, my friends told me that you couldn't cook porridge with you …", "My mother told me so right away when she saw you that you were no good for anything." This is immediately in the trash. What a kindergarten - pointing the finger at the teacher and scaring a classmate that now everything will be told and the police will figure it out. In a dialogue, there are two of you, so together and talk.

Nothing will work for you

Such phrases hit you under your knees and drop your hands. After such "support" I do not want to act at all, and over time, even the desire to move towards the goal may dry up. When your failures are treated with understanding, and you are respected, then you want to respond with warmth to warmth, kind to good. And the forces themselves appear for new steps and new achievements.

Treat each other with understanding, respect, attention and care! We all get tired sometimes, and even the gentle touch of a loved one can fill with new strength.

Expert commentary

Natalia Ladonycheva, psychologist, specialist in creating the desired change

If you want to create a long-term relationship with your partner that will bring happiness and joy to both, you need to understand that they should be based on mutual trust, respect, recognition of each other's value and a willingness to compromise.

A huge mistake is made by those who believe that love will save relationships, smooth out all conflicts and get rid of misunderstandings. Falling in love lasts about three years, and then the pink veil falls, and you stop idealizing your partner.

It is very important to know each other's needs and, if possible, satisfy them; this is another key element of successful family relationships. If you don't know what your loved one needs, what he expects from the relationship, it will be difficult for you to make him truly happy.

The older the couple, the more difficult it is to accept each other's characteristics, habits, lifestyle and the partner's worldview. I recommend that you clarify in advance what your partner's expectations regarding family life are, what requirements you make to each other, what is important to you, what is tolerable and what is unacceptable. This will help avoid misunderstandings, most conflicts and misunderstandings when you decide to start a family life. What should you avoid in a relationship?

Give up manipulation

They can help you achieve some goals now, but in the long run, they destroy the relationship. After all, we are talking about undermining trust and respect, and of course the right to freedom of action. You probably wouldn't want to be manipulated for your own purposes.

Try not to judge or mock your loved one.

Even if it seems to you that he acted stupidly or suggested a ridiculous idea, show respect. Put yourself in his place, how you would like your loved one to react.

If your partner has offended you, you should not lash out at him with accusations or take the position of a judge

So you provoke him to defend himself, counter aggression, he will be less inclined to listen to your point of view, even if he understands that he was wrong. Another possible response to an attack is the desire to escape from the conversation.

Better tell him how his words or actions make you feel, what pain they cause, and how it affects your attitude towards him. Explain why this or that behavior is unacceptable for you, because what is OK for one person is not always the norm for another.

You should not compare your loved one with others not in his favor

especially with my former partners. This may lead your current partner to think that he is not good enough for you, or that you have not ended a past relationship for yourself and want to return it.

Don't discount what your partner does for you

This not only makes him feel useless and unloved, but it also discourages him from continuing to do something for you. Specify your wishes and avoid categorical statements, do not exaggerate the problems, if something did not work out, give the person a second chance! Give up the role of a know-it-all "I know how best", "I told you that it will be so!". Before you get involved in another argument, especially over small things, ask yourself: do you want to be right or happy?

Expert commentary

Anna Kulikova psychotherapist

Every day, patients come to the consultation with different job requests: for someone it is important to change their very low self-esteem and get rid of complexes, for someone the topic of parent-child relations and the difficulties that follow the inability to say to mother “no” are very important”, For others the topic of career achievements and motivation for success is relevant. But the most frequent and important request, regardless of age and social status, is the desire to build normal and healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

All ages are submissive to love, the great poet once wrote…. Despite the pace of development of modern society and the slogans of young people that you can be a happy egoist, the prospect of meeting old age surrounded by two or three cats clearly does not appeal to a healthy human psyche.

It's half the trouble to find a worthy partner for a relationship - here you can go through fire, water and copper pipes, as you know. A separate task is to preserve them and increase love, be in trust with your partner and, in general, remain a happy person. The task is really not an easy one, but possible. After all, the most important thing is your sincere desire.

So what can spoil even the most wonderful relationship between a man and a woman? And what is strictly forbidden to say to your loved one? I offer you 5 simple but effective tips that will help you preserve everything that is so precious and important to you:

In a happy relationship, there is no place for rudeness and rudeness!

Adult partners always listen, and most importantly hear each other. There is no need to shout out mutual claims and insults to finally be understood. Relationships cannot be smooth as a straight line, but when a conflict situation arises, people first of all talk about their feelings, discuss mutual claims and grievances, and do not accumulate them, corroding themselves from the inside. Naturally, the effect of accumulation cannot be healthy and with the "last drop" you can explode so that it does not seem a little. Learn to discuss your problems on time and not put complaints on the back burner.

Woman-woman, man-man

Alas, in the modern world such a concept as "gender bias" is gaining momentum. This is when a woman, at will or by the will of circumstances, takes on her fragile shoulders male responsibility and shows the same level of aggression, and the man hides behind her skirt, more like a child, and not a defender of the hearth. Naturally, the relationship does not stick, because it is impossible to build an adult union on such unhealthy feelings. If your pair shows such an offset, seek help from a specialist.

Cut off outside advisors

Your mom, of course, knows how to live right, how to build a relationship with your man, what kind of toothpaste to buy or not to buy. We in no way devalue the wisdom and authority of the parental link, it is just that sometimes advice is really unsolicited and not quite right on time. Only you can really soberly assess the situation and draw the necessary conclusions. And according to statistics, a fairly large number of unions break up precisely because of the "third link" in the relationship.

Take care of your partner sincerely and do not expect mountains of gold in return

Expectations often poison even the most prosperous life. It should not be denied that many things we do for our own benefit, and there is nothing pathological in this. Made-received. For example, at work, I submitted the annual report on time, the premium is guaranteed. But you should not turn a relationship with a loved one into a business model where everything exists only due to causal relationships. Be flexible and just let yourself genuinely care. Believe me, this behavior will bring more dividends than empty expectation of praise.

And most importantly, be positive in your relationship

Any, even the most insignificant trifle, can inflate a catastrophe. Emphasize the good things that unite you and your partner, say gratitude and genuinely pleasant things. Believe me, like attracts like. Your partner will certainly reciprocate you!

Be healthy!

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