The first date can happen at any age, especially with the current statistics on divorce. But if experience appears with age, then on the first date even the most experienced sometimes begin to feel timid. Especially if before that you were married for 10 years and forgot the old rules, but you don’t know the new ones. Especially for Passion.ru, psychologist and coach Irina Iris explains how a man should not behave on a first date. And what should alert the woman in his actions.
In one date, you will visit several places at once. For example, three or four cafes or a museum, a cinema and a cafe. Pick-up artists believe that a woman subconsciously perceives this as three or four dates, and immediately agrees to have sex. After all, it is already "time" to get to know each other better.
Pick-up artists give a lot of compliments. Too many, too many nice words of all kinds. For a woman to instantly melt and fall in love. Yes, everyone wants to hear that she is the very best. But do not lose your common sense and do not think that this man is the one, your one and only, who will finally appreciate you and your rich inner world.
Almost from the first minutes of your date, he will talk about a bright, happy future together. Pikaper knows that any woman always makes plans right away. Therefore, he will say what you want to hear: about a trip to Bali, a house by the sea, your children frolicking on the sand with a dog. However, he can easily alter this scenario in the course of the conversation. Suddenly you dream of seeing the fjords of Norway and moving to live in Icelandic Akureyri, which is 40 kilometers from the Arctic Circle. He will support you in this and will swear to you that he is ready to be anywhere in the world, if only with you. If only forever.
Such conversations can lead to the idea that this person is your significant other. You are just made for each other. Drive this judgment away. The pick-up artist has one thing on his mind: make you fall in love with himself as quickly as possible, drag you to bed, put a tick in the list of your victories and leave your victim with a broken heart.
What to do?
Do not rush into the pool with your head. Don't talk very personal and intimate on your first date. Don't fall for the sweet intoxication of his compliments. Watch your counterpart with a cool head. Cancel or reschedule your second date - pickups don't like that. After such a simple action on your part, he may simply disappear from your life.
This type will not show his true face on the first date. He will be polite and courteous to you. But watch carefully how he treats others. For example, with waiters in a cafe, a cashier in a cinema, people around you.
Singer Bobby Brown - the future husband of the famous singer Whitney Houston - charmed her on the first date. He was kind, sweet and gallant to her. This did not prevent him from immediately fighting with the waiter, and then with the valet. Whitney fell in love. Then it seemed to her that Bobby was strong, courageous and brutal. Their marriage was torture for the singer, Brown constantly beat her, and the child also got it. Pay attention to what the man says about other women. And in general about people. If he speaks disrespectfully about them, do not hope that everything will be different with you.
What to do?
Watch. Just like for a pick-up. A sadist in disguise won't last long. Aggression requires an exit, he must or wants to impress you, so for now he will cling and behave rudely with strangers. The key word here is for now. However, there are female victims who deliberately seek a relationship with the aggressor. It is up to you to stay with such a person or break off relations. If you choose the latter option, don't wait. Leave after the first meeting.
His life situations and stories cannot leave anyone indifferent. "I even thought about suicide, but then I met you." "My wife / mother / aunt has an incurable disease, I cannot leave her, she will die / disappear without me." “The bandits ran into me, took away my entire business, now they threaten me with prison and death if I don't pay them 6 million 400 thousand 32 rubles and 15 kopecks. And the debt is growing every day, they put me on the counter. I don't even know what to do. They will kill me."
He will tell stories that evoke compassion and pity. Asking for money to borrow money for an operation for a beloved aunt or to buy food for stray animals, because he is the guardian of this shelter, he lost his credit card or forgot it at the gas station this morning.
What to do?
Giving or not giving him money is your right. But if you decide to open a wallet, say goodbye to this money. He will not give them away. So be careful. And remember: you can never change a man. He will not stop asking for money on credit, being a gigolo, a lazy person or a scoundrel.
And it happens. I made a date and was late for it myself. Do not rush to be offended. If he called and warned about the delay, and you are already there, that's okay. For the first time, you can forgive. It’s worse if there was no call and he didn’t come on a date. But there may be exceptions. Anything happens in life. He could have lost his phone (or it broke, and all contacts are in it), the SIM card was changed, had an accident, something else happened.
What to do?
If the man called and warned that he was late, shorten the time of the date. This will be a great educational moment. Tell him with a smile that you don't have much time now.
If you come, he calls, asks for forgiveness, makes excuses: he could not, forgot to call, etc., give him another chance. Don't say anything. Just calmly ask why he didn't warn you earlier. If the answer exonerates him, notice how he apologizes. Will he show you respect? This is very important at this stage.
But if the man did not warn, was late, explained the reason for his delay, but did not apologize, be on the lookout. The person does not value you or your personal time. His tardiness is the norm for him. Do you need such a partner? It's up to you to decide.
Having a glass of wine on a first date is very romantic. But if your boyfriend does not know the norm, it is better to immediately run away from him. However, you can stay and watch how he is when drunk - aggressive or quiet, silent or a terrible liar. And it also happens that a man comes to the first date already tipsy. He can drink before the meeting, because he is very shy, and in order to be at least a little relaxed, he allows himself 50 grams for courage. Or maybe drink because he is an alcoholic. And he drinks in any situation that is understandable and incomprehensible to him, with or without reason.
What to do?
Remember that according to police statistics, three out of four rapes are committed while intoxicated. Know firmly that for your sake a man will not quit drinking. Do not flatter yourself with hopes that alcoholism can be cured and together you will be able to defeat it. It is better to leave immediately, so that later you do not regret the time spent.