EVA.RU interviewed dozens of interesting bachelors and chose the most curious stories that will help to better understand men and answer the very question about the stamp in the passport.
There are men who do not marry. They pretend not to take your hints or openly declare that marriage is not for them. And even if you are an ultra-modern woman and you yourself do not want to report to the state about your personal life, all the same archaic consciousness requires answers: "Why does he not want to get married?" Or more specifically, "Why doesn't he want to marry me?" Andoniy, 38 years old, Bilbao, Spain The fact is that I never wanted to start a family. I am a very reserved person, I like to spend time alone and sometimes with my friends. But in the end, I'm better off alone, so I see no reason to marry. There were girls, with someone we even lived together, but in the end I realized that this was not for me. Relatives and friends, it seems, also understand this, no one really asks me about anything. Sergey, 42, Moscow I am too responsible in my irresponsibility. I love animals, dogs and cats. But I understand that I will not have time to look after them, walk, feed them. Because I'm an irresponsible person. They will die of hunger. And here you are not responsible for the dog, but for someone more serious after all. I never intended to get married. And in general, I think about how to get out of the relationship as correctly as possible even before entering them. I never want to hurt, and indeed "Love can be long, but life is even longer!" The girls understand my position. This is not even selfishness in its pure form (selfishness, too, of course), but precisely the fact that I do not want to spoil another person's life. They sensibly assess the possible hardships and hardships that await them in a potential family life with me. The load on my own psyche and the inability to peck my brain. I do not promise that everything is possible in life. The problem is with me as a potential unfaithful husband. If you just put a stamp - that's one thing, I'm not sorry for the passport, but I'm serious - I'm sorry for the woman, well, really. It’s hard for me to be with myself, but it will be a thousand times harder for her. In general, I am a creepy robot. For more than a week in the same space with me to coexist only because of some heightened love for robots, Isaac Asimov and Philip Dick.
Dmitry, 35 years old, Moscow I, in general, quite a monogamous type, and in most cases I am ready to formalize relations, but as soon as it comes to this, I subconsciously merge - or I feel that I am not ready to bind myself ties (although in a different way I am already connected at least to the ears) and, perhaps, with this person, or I am afraid of everything else that is connected with marriage, but usually I hide behind the fact that I do not earn enough to support the whole family. A rather chauvinistic, seemingly imposed, opinion that a man should fully support his family has surfaced in me from somewhere. The older I get, the more questions are, why I don't have children, why don't I get married, am I not gay? No, I'm not gay, my relationships with women are sometimes ideal, but more often they are strange and more complicated than the usual stereotypical models, I don't want children yet, and I understand that half of the desires associated with the family are chemistry / pheromones / mind-altering substances. At the moment when I am ready for all this, I am least capable of it, therefore, internally, for myself, I have to reach all this “on my own”, but more often, when I mature to something serious, there is post-apocalypse around me, and I myself turn out to be a mutant that I don't even recognize in the mirror. For a while I lick my wounds and move on, collecting the tails of destroyed hopes, killed dreams and grievances. And it seems like I'm often more comfortable alone than with anyone else. Girls are often offended.I recently tried to end a relationship that drove me into even greater depression and debt, and the young lady took offense at me for being drunk, I set up such family plans that even surprised her. And when the alcohol vapors disappeared, I completely forgot about it. Without talking to me again, she thought for several months that I would give her a ring, and I lived in a somewhat different reality, which made me a bigger "goat" than I thought to myself. It all ended with the fact that we ended up at the dacha of my parents with her mother and cats from lack of money, she demanded attention and care and did not allow me to work, when I began to get out of a prolonged depression - the other day I evicted them to St. Petersburg, although it was not easy … With the previous love, with which we built relationships for many years, we were mentally ready for marriage, but it never came to the point, because we broke up before she had time to formally divorce. At the same time, I believe that in the end I will have a family. But I need, like Scott Pilgrim, to fight with a bunch of problems and myself, so I don't think I'm the best candidate for this at least for the next year.
Anton, 35 years old, Lviv I am usually not asked why I am not married, well, it's a stupid question. But if they ask, I delay with the answer, mumble something indistinct and banal like: “I did not find the one” in the expectation that they will quickly leave me behind. In fact, the whole point is that it is difficult for me to flirt and joke. Previously, I still did not know how to recognize hints and was very insecure due to financial solvency. Now I have already learned to understand when they flirt with me, and everything has become better with finances, but the fervor has diminished. Now I try to avoid situations that might harm my self-esteem. Another reason is that it rarely happened that you see one and that's all, you don't notice anyone else. Then somehow everything happens by itself - you just go in the only possible direction. Mom and her husband sometimes say that they want grandchildren, but these are more requests than pressure.. More often I hear something like condemnation from girls. Some may directly say that something is wrong with me if I still have not had a family or children. Maybe, but it seems to me that people who say such things to your face, things are even worse, they assert themselves due to this. On dating sites, I met many profiles where a girl from the doorway asks about her intentions. It seems pointless to me. Relationships, and therefore the desire for long-term serious relationships, are born gradually: first, a person attracts you only externally, then by the presence of common topics for conversations, ease of communication, the ability to amuse each other, to give pleasure in bed, then the willingness to support and help, openness, is connected, honesty, responsibility. And when you have already ticked all the boxes of this questionnaire, then you may get the feeling that yes, this is the same person, I want to be with him. Always. And the first stages should naturally be easy and carefree. How can they be if you are looking for a wife or husband right away? At the moment I do not have a girlfriend, and it came down to conversations "where are we going" only a couple of times. The first time it was quite a long time ago, and I did not want any marriage, and the second time I seemed to be in favor, but she was married and was not going to get divorced at that time. I went to live in Italy and thought that I would get a job there and move to my place. But she moved away, and when she came to Italy, she did not want to meet. That was the end of it. Probably for the best, because it was not a full-fledged relationship. There were also all sorts of unrequited romantic stories that gave rise to fantasies about the family. I am sure that “the same person” will appear in my life. The stupid, embittered, vindictive, commanding, humiliating, contemplating archaic dogmas have no chance of who owes what to whom and what should be, with body modifications (tattoo - ok) and with long nails. It's just scary.
Andrei, 36 years old, Moscow I don’t want to marry thoughtlessly in order to get a divorce like almost everyone around, because in many cases, immediately after meeting, it becomes clear what exactly doesn’t suit me in another person, and it’s obvious that the next relationship becomes temporary. Those whom he wanted to marry did not agree. As in that joke, when a man was looking for an ideal woman for a long time, he found it many years later, but it turned out that she was looking for an ideal man. I have always liked smart and self-sufficient girls who are able to occupy themselves, if suddenly, for some reason, I cannot devote time to them at a certain moment and entertain them. But with them and the most difficult just because they are the hardest to please - they also choose for a long time. And I understand perfectly well that my character does not get easier over the years, and not everyone is ready to put up with my cockroaches. And I, too, begin to relate much easier to some things, but others begin to enrage. So it turns out that so far "has not coincided." A couple of times it happened that I did not consider this relationship as serious enough to marry, and the girls - yes. Well, and, accordingly, they did not last long. It ended naturally - parting. There were moments when I even made an offer, but, obviously, at the wrong time - either early, or having already missed the moment. And one more time it turned out that there are still insurmountable obstacles that we cannot overcome together. I have a completely normal attitude towards marriage. Once everything matches, it won't be a problem for me. Those who do not have a chance are stupid, ugly, haughty, inadequate, demonstratively materialistic, dishonest, “duck sponges”, prominent representatives of all kinds of subcultures such as “hipsters”.
Alexey, 37 years old Moscow They never ask me why I'm not married, maybe because it says on my face that I'm a potential diligent family man, it just didn't work out. I really want a serious long-term relationship, and I need to learn not to look at all women as possible wives. Something always went wrong when the girls themselves, for some reason, were not ready for a long-term relationship and, in particular, did not want to get married. Now I have no one, but in my last relationship, I would marry with my eyes closed. But her mother did not consider me a worthy candidate, and the girl (she is 37 years old) decided not to oppose. There is a specific family of Old Believers. In general, do not feed me bread, just let me marry. Cold women, who believe that a partner, by definition, always owes something to them, definitely does not have a chance.
Sergey, 36, Moscow When asked why I am not married, I usually answer in an abstract way, like “it didn’t work out,” or I say that being too fastidious is partly true and evokes more understanding. In fact, I do not love myself, I think that I have little to offer a woman. And therefore it is not surprising that no one needs me (more precisely, those who need me) do not need me. I am not rich (I am ashamed to admit, but I earn on average about 100,000 rubles), I am not healthy and I do not shine with beauty. Unless you have your own home, and even then - a one-room apartment. I don’t smoke, I practically don’t drink, and I gave up playing computer games. But these are all dubious merits, of course. For some reason, I do not have this trait that I see in other men - to consider myself cool, in fact, not representing anything. Surprisingly, women fall for it. Some of my exes are married and happy. And I am even happy for them, because it seems to me that I could not make them happy. Plus, I'm not very good at communicating with women. I even went to pickup courses. It helped, but not much. Pickiness, of course, is also there. But not in terms of appearance. It is important for me that I have really strong feelings, and that the girl shares my values and at least part of my interests. It seems to me that many take it easier and marry those who are "more or less suitable." I don’t want that. I don’t get involved or develop a relationship if I’m not really in love (which rarely happens). A kind of perverted form of hyperresponsibility.So while it turns out that those who love me, I do not love, and vice versa - those whom I love, sooner or later leave me. Many people think that I belittle myself and do not value myself, they are surprised that I am alone. Maybe they are right. After all, I read all the time about women living with alcoholics, gambling addicts, and total losers. I want to get married, but I can’t say that “it happened so” either. I believe that the fact that I am alone is only my own fault - not worthy, not deserved. In general, I adhere to the position that I am primarily responsible for everything that happens in my life. In the first serious relationship, my girlfriend wanted to marry, but I didn’t want to marry her (I didn’t want to marry her, not in general). But still she finished me off. I thought that I was still unlikely to shine something better and agreed. We have applied. But in the process of preparing for the wedding, we quarreled. I flared up, said that in fact she needed all this, not me, and canceled everything. The most interesting thing is that the relationship did not end there (Pushkin was right about the fact that the less we love, the easier it is). But after a while, with difficulty, but still, I left her: I felt guilty and it kept me going. Now I have no one. I was ready to marry my last girlfriend, and we clarified this question at the very beginning of our acquaintance (she asked me about my attitude to marriage), but she was disappointed in me - she said that I was not developing fast enough and was not ready to try for her sake, and threw me. I have a positive attitude towards marriage, although I do not consider it to be something vital for myself. It is more important for me to find love, and whether it is formalized or not is not so important. But not so long ago I heard at one training session that married status is something that a man can give to a woman even if he has nothing else. Maybe it is so. If I am very lucky to fall in love with each other, then I will try not to miss my chance. But I understand that every year the likelihood of this decreases. Which women definitely don't stand a chance? Those who try to command and control me. Alas, in our country this is a common situation (largely because there are a lot of infantile men), but I'd rather be alone than like this. All these jokes about "the husband is another child in the family", "if you don't feed him, he will remain hungry" and "if I said to my mother, then to my mother" annoy me very much. Only mutual respect and nothing else. I don't need a mom, I need a woman. I am quite capable of taking care of myself and have been living quite successfully alone for many years. Although now I realized that you need to allow a woman to take care of herself in order to strengthen the relationship. I also do not like stupid women with whom there is nothing to talk about, those who have problems with alcohol and women with dogs (firstly, this often indicates a desire to command, and secondly, I just don’t like dogs).
Valentin, 43, Moscow I can only concentrate on one subject. Maybe there are multitasking people in nature - I'm happy for them. But I've never been able to give the same attention to women and work. Many will not believe, but my work is such that I do only what I want and what I think is right. Yes, I'm so lucky. Distracted from work. I paid attention to a woman - now, she appeared at home. Excellent. But she thinks that the same attention will be forever and ever. And you can understand it. But the hunting season cannot last forever. On the hunt, they don't talk about it, but I am interested not only in her, but also in humanity as a whole: how it lives there, steals, sells, buys, conflicts. A woman is interested in our life with her, mainly humanity and my work - not very much. And it is difficult for her to explain that work for me is not quite what it is for the overwhelming majority of people who serve it as a term. In short, the woman, sooner or later said: "What the hell?" Or she began smoothly: "Would you like to do something else?" This is roughly how to say if I want to rip my head off, well, let everything else live with her and not be soared. At the same time, women had their own interests and their own work.But, apparently, not very favorite. Or not very important for them. Well, or they talked about development and movement on. And that you can't do it all your life. Or they even said directly that I am too happy! And too harmonious with himself and with work. And they probably felt superfluous at this celebration of life. One friend of mine directly says, "Marry me!" I ask: "Why do you need this?" And she: "You look very happy!" That is, in women there is still such an understanding that she must make you serious, adult and responsible, then you are doing some kind of nonsense without her! And another mission: the woman seems to think: “Now this type is a normal workpiece. will be ok. " But okay, there at some point a competition begins, a real world championship! "I am for your sake. And you?" But a relationship is not a tug of a log or a rope, you do it not for counting, but just like that: you want it, you do it, you want it, you don’t. You don't have to wait for anything. For some reason, women are surprised. My friends react calmly to all this. Apparently, we walk on different streets or even live in parallel dimensions with girls who really want to get married and talk openly about it. Well, a smart girl, probably, will never seriously say right away that she wants this: then “getting married” is the main thing, and the rest, probably, is somehow not so important, no? Well, or already there is such despair that you will feel yourself smearing, but I am not yet smearing, I have yet to grow and grow. Another thing is that when I tried to start a relationship with girls, but there was a feeling that they needed to get married (without words) - and this is a normal desire, there is nothing wrong with that, it can be important for a person and a person can be smart at the same time, held and interesting - so, as soon as I understood this, it is important to note that at the very early stage of ordinary meetings and conversations, I stopped this relationship so as not to upset the girl. Addiction is painful. But in fact, I have no principled position against marriage, I do not promise. Once I was even going to get married. I found the woman of my dreams, she said yes, we decided to give ourselves a probationary period - a year. A year goes by, there is devastation around. I remember saying to the woman, yes, now everything is falling apart around - from the apartment to the world, yes, I just can't finish the renovation, but will we survive all this? She replied: "No, you and I will not work that way."
Oraz Abulkhair, psychologist In the conditions of modern society, the inner position of a man has changed a lot. In our world, there are no more mammoths that need to be dragged into the cave. Instead of a surge in testosterone in battles with "dragons", you just need to go to work, where there is a colossal level of stress, which cannot be thrown out in the usual way from the point of view of instinctive reactions (screaming, outburst of anger, etc.), since such behavior will be regarded as inappropriate. Therefore, the very inner position of a man is very shaky. Now let's take a look at marriage, the inner perception of which has changed as well as the position of a man in life. In the past, marriage was part of a pattern in which the man, as previously mentioned, was the "breadwinner." But now, when he has nothing else and nowhere to get it, it seems like he still needs to create a family, but … everyone understands that feats will still be expected from you. And here it is not only about the expectation of the wife, but about his own expectation of the accomplishment of the feat. A man does not strive to marry, because he is deprived of the opportunity to confirm his masculinity in front of himself! This is part of the so-called psychological scenarios and gender roles that are instilled in us from early childhood and are strengthened throughout life, very often contradicting each other. Changing the psychological scenarios of society is a very long process that lasts for many generations.Look at it from the perspective of history - patriarchy, the derivative of which is the desire to perform feats, lasted for millennia, but over the past 50 years life has changed completely, and the male mind has not yet had time to rebuild. The fear of admitting their own weakness is the main problem of modern men, which is why many do not seek to get married. When you cannot find your place in the world, stand on your own feet, but at the same time you know from childhood that you have to give something to a woman … But how can you do this if you are not sure of your strengths and your position? The question remains open, since the entire society is now in the process of transformation.