Jealousy is one of the most common reasons why women turn to psychologists. They are constantly in a painful state of strong inner fear, a sense of the loss of a significant object. According to experts, to one degree or another, jealousy is present in everyone. We can be jealous of friends, colleagues, family members, it all depends on the degree of emotional closeness. What is jealousy and where does it come from, says Svetlana Alyokhina, a psychologist at the Little Mom branch of the Crisis Center for Helping Women and Children of the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection.
Bring calmness back to the family
Tatiana, 32, turned to the Crisis Center for Helping Women and Children. She has been married to Mikhail for 12 years, her husband holds a leadership position and spends a lot of time at work.
Until June 2020, the woman did not even think that her husband could cheat on her, but after the long and happy marriage of her best friend collapsed in front of her eyes due to infidelity, Tatyana became seriously worried. In just a few weeks, she twisted herself so that she could not sleep a wink. The woman began to think that Mikhail had been deceiving her for a long time. This is how endless surveillance of her husband began, and over time this led to frequent conflicts in the family, which did not exist before. Tatyana realized that unreasonable jealousy would not lead to good, and turned to professional psychologists for help.
- The psychologist has developed a plan for individual conversations. The meetings with Tatiana took place once or twice a week for three months. In the process of work, it was possible to restore the emotional background, remove obsessive and disturbing thoughts, harmonize the relationship between spouses and return peace of mind to the family, - says the specialist.
What is jealousy
Jealousy is a vivid, negative, emotional feeling of possessiveness, reinforced by selfishness, the desire to completely control another person, which is usually expressed in distrust and suspicion, in painful doubts about loyalty and love.
It can be rational, irrational, delirium of jealousy.
Rational jealousy arises when there really is a real threat of losing the object of love.
Irrational jealousy is not connected with reality and is based mainly on imagination and fantasy. It occurs in people with vivid imaginations who suffer from inferiority complexes and suffered mental trauma in childhood.
Delirium of jealousy - inadequate, unjustified jealousy, reaching the level of mental pathology. Basically, this type of jealousy occurs in people with mental disabilities (schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction).
How jealousy is born
The feeling of jealousy is formed in the period from one to three years. In a family, a child learns how to interact with each other, what parental relationships should be. The kid sees how mom and dad communicate, take care of each other, solve problems.
As a rule, a jealous woman in most cases chooses a man as her husband who will stimulate this feeling. The origins of the causes of jealousy come from parent-child relationships - lack of love in childhood, physical or sexual abuse, genetic predisposition, childhood psychological trauma. Growing up, a jealous woman on an unconscious level begins to play her scenario from childhood - the trauma of rejection, fearing its repetition. Later, such behavior acts as a form of prevention of betrayal.
- The reasons for jealousy may be competition between brothers / sisters who claim a special status from their parents; identifying oneself with the cheated parent when the other parent cheats; dysfunctional relationships in the parental family - alcoholism, physical abuse, betrayal of the parent of the opposite sex, - says the specialist.
In an older age, the cause of jealousy is self-doubt, low self-esteem in sexual terms, the presence of an inferiority complex, uselessness, a feeling of deficiency in one's own abilities and capabilities. Also, the causes of jealousy can be emotional dependence, fear of losing an object of love or loneliness, an excessive sense of ownership, an unlimited right to possess another person.
One of the manifestations of jealousy is sadomasochism. Experiences of jealousy here are closely connected with self-teaching, with manifestations of masochistic tendencies.
- The jealous one gets a kind of pleasure from the torment experienced with constant surveillance, looking for evidence of her partner's betrayal, - Svetlana notes.
An important reason for jealousy is the neurotic need for control. If a jealous woman misses the opportunity to control her partner, then she begins to panic, anxiety, anxiety, jealousy increases significantly.
Another reason for jealousy is the partner's provocative behavior. In this case, the partner unconsciously provokes jealousy in order to get "proof of love", focusing on the formula "jealous means love." Therefore, such women always have a dramatic relationship with a partner, she constantly needs confirmation of love. This indicates a high degree of codependency.
- If there is silence at home, there are no manifestations on the part of her husband, declarations of love, scandals and manifestations of jealousy, then she becomes unbearable - she needs an emotional shake-up, relaxation, which she is used to receiving in a parental dysfunctional family, - the psychologist believes.
How to get rid of jealousy
- If you decide to fight this negative and destructive feeling, then always proceed from the idea that your partner is not cheating on you. If you continue to think that your partner is cheating on you, you will never be able to cope with jealousy.
- Realize that the reason for your jealousy lies not in the actions of your partner, but in your own fears of the horrors that your imagination draws: betrayal, betrayal, loneliness.
- Having realized that the reason for your jealousy is your fears and complexes, do not expect your partner to do something magical, from which your jealousy will be removed as if by hand. Will not remove. The only person who can pull you out of the swamp of jealousy before it completely destroys you completely is yourself.
- Replacement of fear. Another fear works best with fear. Stop being afraid that your beloved will cheat on you, start fearing that with your suspicions, scenes of jealousy and tantrums, you will finally destroy your relationship. When you are really afraid of it, the feeling of jealousy will leave you forever.
If you find it difficult to cope with feelings of jealousy on your own, sign up for a consultation with professional psychologists. The specialists of the “My Family Center” and the “Crisis Center for Helping Women and Children” will help you in such a difficult situation.