“Can a marriage of convenience be happy? Yes, if the calculation is correct. " Psychologist Michael Bennett and his daughter, comedy writer Sarah Bennett consider marriage to be the most risky business in life. And if so, then in such a matter you cannot rely on feelings. Only a rational approach will help you choose a partner. The authors describe how to use headhunting and business intelligence techniques to manage romantic relationships, assess risks and efficiently select suitable candidates in order to receive high dividends from mutually beneficial partnerships. Book “Forget it for love! A guide to the rational choice of a partner”will soon be published by the publishing house“Alpina Publisher”. "Lenta.ru" publishes a fragment of the text.
From an early age, they try to warn us against a superficial glance at a beautiful appearance and teach us not to overestimate it; we are told a tale about the ugly duckling, they urge us not to judge the book by the cover, they advise us to appreciate the inner, not the outer beauty. Unfortunately, mentors and well-intentioned parents cannot compete with advertising, the entertainment industry, and our own basic instincts, which relentlessly insist that good looks are the keys to happiness and success.
It is difficult to resist the charm of physical attractiveness; we are unable to control the brain's reaction to a beautiful and repulsive appearance. Denying the primal power of beauty is fraught with danger. You need to keep these feelings in check in the same way as you have to control the primal desire to kill those who climb out of line at the post office.
So, even knowing that appearance is not the main thing in love, we ourselves want to appear attractive, and we are looking for an attractive partner, often at our own peril and risk.
The greatest danger lies in the fact that beauty can bring you to the wrong person, and ugliness will interfere with the choice of a couple for a relationship. This further complicates the already difficult task of finding a partner, and can also cause hatred for your appearance or for nice people. In other words, an unremarkable (or rather ugly) appearance not only makes it difficult to find an acceptable partner, but prevents a person from accepting himself as he is. Point.
It is especially difficult for those who are looking for a couple online, no matter how reasonable their intentions are, to opt for an unattractive person, since they are shown exclusively the external data of the applicants (a photo next to a tiger, with a puppy or against the backdrop of a sunset). As a result, everyone - both models and mere mortals - post fake photos, believing that many responses to a fake photo are better than none to a real one. In doing so, they forget that a deceitful relationship usually ends faster than a cup of coffee is drunk.
Often we can find potential partners at work, or where our common interests intersect, or with friends, and as soon as we are captured by an interesting conversation and compatibility of characters is found, the appearance loses its significance. Urban life, however, often hinders this, creating situations that only emphasize the power of external attractiveness.
It is necessary to understand and take into account the effect that appearance has on others and on yourself, so as not to spoil the search for a partner.
We do not believe that improving your appearance helps you find a soul mate, so in this chapter you will not find any magic diets, or ideas for transformation, or tips for self-plastic surgery. We only strongly advise you to reconsider your attitude towards appearance in the process of finding a good partner, even if you have to restrain your natural instincts.To paraphrase an old saying about being lean, looking good is good, but it's even better to be with someone who won't dump you if you get fat or sleep in sweatpants.
Alexey Malgavko / RIA Novosti
Attractiveness has many advantages, unless you need to infiltrate an enemy military base, a bank vault, or a secluded spot between two parked cars in order to relieve yourself without undue attention from others. Unless you belong to the same cult or are tribal, you have little chance of starting a relationship unless people find you attractive enough to strike up a conversation, and it's hard to be genuinely interested in a conversation with an ugly person. But in the same way, it is impossible to maintain a relationship with someone whose only advantage is good looks, as well as to be in a relationship that rests only on this. Learn to see the problems and weaknesses in attractive relationships, and then you will find either the right solution or a more worthy relationship.
People who are dissatisfied with their appearance are constantly tormented by an unquenchable thirst for beauty. It is always frustrating to see what you want but cannot have. It's like staring at a perfect home that you can't afford, or delicious food that makes you extremely allergic, or gently clutching beautiful shoes that are never the size of your Bigfoot paw. But it’s much more painful to be a shadow of who you want to be but never will. The closer you are to the people of beauty, the more you move away from yourself.
You would like love, psychotherapy or alcohol to help you calmly perceive your appearance, and competent makeup, surgery or painful corrective underwear would turn you into an ideal. But when you fail to control beauty or the anxiety it causes, desperate attempts to gain the confidence you need make you feel stupid and helpless.
Yes, sometimes Valium pills or alcohol can help (but by no means together), but otherwise, remember that it's not about gaining confidence. You should accept your uncomfortable anxiety and self-alienation and still try to get to know someone in the hope that a real relationship will eventually give you the confidence you need.
If your anxiety persists after starting a relationship with a handsome person, you may feel that they are about to collapse. In reality, anxiety does not indicate a defective or doomed relationship; it’s a natural and potentially rewarding reaction to the fact that all relationships are risky, love sometimes ends in disappointment, and a bad marriage is even more painful. Do not be afraid to ruin everything with anxiety, it is better to praise yourself for courage, do not rush, trying to find something that will please both of you.
Remember that you are not just trying to impress a person or even be out of your weight class, you are trying to gather basic information about him so that his attractiveness does not lead you to a terrible mistake. If you come to terms with your anxiety in the process of getting closer to him, then over time you will be able to focus on his personality, and not on his appearance (or on your unattractiveness).
Kirill Kallinikov / RIA Novosti
For some people, communication with a beautiful person is poisonous with jealousy; it not only makes them feel stupid and left out, but also instills in them obsession, anger, suspicion and distrust.When you try to persuade yourself to act more confidently, an inner ugliness creeps out of you, which you cannot overcome and which, of course, you are not proud of.
When, due to the attractiveness of your partner, you seem even uglier to yourself, you need to think not about finding inner beauty in yourself and achieving peace in your soul, which is sung only by romantic comedies, but try to act rationally when you can't wait to rummage through his things., read all SMS, emails and messages on Facebook and snatch confessions of eternal love. Don't blame yourself for feeling jealous, but you must avoid doing jealousy. Yes, holding back your jealousy is not easy, but throwing it out is even worse, it can end up in ruin for everyone.
If you decide your relationship is worth the painful jealousy, learn to live with it. Constantly find yourself something to do, try to spend more time with each other if you feel that you are moving away, but do not want to give free rein to jealousy. Find activities that will bring you together instead of endless quarrels and peace. If you deal with the pain of jealousy without offending your partner, then you are a strong person capable of a real relationship, even if his good looks and your jealousy complicate it.
People who are obsessed with appearance, regardless of their own attractiveness, beauty forces them to constantly compare themselves with model standards and worry about their inadequacy to them. If you are dating someone who is obsessed with aesthetics, your moral support may well allay their fears, make them think more positively, and switch to other topics. Unfortunately, a beauty obsession like anorexia is not just a form of obsessive insecurity. If a person does not believe in a mirror, he does not believe in logic either; no matter how honest and constructive you are in relation to your girlfriend, there is zero sense from this.
Better to see if she manages to switch from her obsessions to more important things, from choosing a movie to watch together to discussing presidential candidates. If that doesn't work out for her, give up dating the model, no matter how fun and how cute and smart she may seem to you. You can't change her, so look for the right partner, beautiful or not, who won't let your obsession take over life.
Alexander Petrosyan / Kommersant
People will never stop looking for beauty in themselves and in others, which sometimes drives them crazy. Remember why you are dating and stick to your chosen strategy; if you are just looking for a sweetheart companion, this is one thing, but if you, like most people, not evil, with a soul, but without a yacht, dream of a completely normal relationship, you will have to pay attention to something more, even if not so beautiful.
Constant admiration for a beautiful appearance gives you special confidence, but at the same time you are annoyed by the attention of people who do not understand your true essence and do not want to be interested in it. Because of this, you, feeling your worthlessness, do not strive to achieve something that is not related to the worship of your beauty. Unless you are vain and consider your vocation to be an object, be prepared for the fact that beautiful appearance will become a kind of burden for you that can prevent you from gaining true friendship and life satisfaction. Learn to ignore the reaction of others to your beauty and certainly not depend on it, otherwise you will not find people who will appreciate you, and you yourself will not see the main thing in yourself.
Although we are pleased to believe that our personality is determined more by who we are, and not by the opinions of others, most of us, without a doubt, are influenced by the reaction of other people, especially if we spend a lot of time with them.This is why we learn more about stereotypes in high school than about algebra. And why successful footballers are treated like royalty, while pimply clumsy geniuses are the objects of ridicule and bullying.
When people - whether in high school or in the adult world - react to good looks, your self-perception is influenced by the strength of their feelings, unless you are completely self-sufficient or completely ignore human relationships. And even if people are aware of their attractiveness, this does not save them from negative reactions.
The dark side of human nature forces people to tell you a bunch of compliments, and then look for and invent your flaws in order to appease their own envy, so those who at first violently admire you often suspect you of promiscuity, spiritual emptiness and inability to do anything other than competitions beauty. Meanwhile, they belittle and ignore your real talents or neglect your true needs, while expecting immeasurable attention from you and spreading all sorts of fables about you.
Attempts to change the look or solve the problem by speaking it usually do not bring any results. Prejudice is too strong, and defensiveness only reinforces false judgments. You do not deserve anything overly enthusiastic or negative reviews, except for your attractive appearance, but you are unlikely to have arguments that can convince others to discern your true essence, except for a beautiful wrapper, unless you suddenly gain twenty kilograms or get a hairstyle " under Trump ". Instead, try to ignore your appearance by focusing on work and relationships with old friends and family. As a thick-skinned person with well-developed social skills, you can achieve this goal by accepting dates, parties, and more. But if you are sensitive, worried that you may offend someone, and do not know how to easily refuse, then be careful. It is much more convenient for you to spend more time at school or in the office and limit your social life until life gives you people who can fully appreciate you. Even if you are happy with your own appearance and impervious to gossip, you may well find yourself isolated if your family friends are afraid that you will seduce their partners. You try to understand what gave rise to these fears, and you try even more to win their trust, but again, all your efforts will be wasted. Their fears are beyond your control; moreover, one cannot correct one's own behavior if there is nothing reprehensible in it.
Grigory Sysoev / RIA Novosti
Accept the paradoxical fact: beauty often makes people lonely, even if at first glance it seems that it attracts people; you will have to learn to live with this loneliness without blaming yourself for social mistakes or the opportunism of a handsome person. Respect yourself for living by your own standards, regardless of temptations, and for humbly accepting periods of loneliness without compromising the quality of friendship.
If you are worried that beauty will fade with age, depriving you of your already familiar lifestyle, do not think that you will lose something meaningful or, worse, the only thing that you had. You may well be used to sexual conquest, admiration, and special treatment. The alternative for you is not to be ordinary, rejected, and eternally lonely.
As a naturally beautiful person, you probably developed late in the ability to accept ugliness in other people and thus form deep relationships. As a result, the joy of being attractive makes long-term relationships dull and nasty.Indeed, when you're both tired and arguing over who to buy new toilet paper, no one seems pretty anymore.
When beauty fades, you should ignore it and seize the opportunity for self-improvement. Work with a good therapist or coach to figure out how to embrace your new normal life, and respect yourself for doing well and behaving with dignity, even with the loss of your plush hair. By learning to ignore your emotions and respect your own values, which depend only on you, you will be able to build relationships that will only grow stronger over the years, even if your own reflection in the mirror is not so beautiful.
Beauty provides you with admiration from your fans, but it makes it impossible for you to gain respect and true love. Don't blame yourself if she's giving you trouble, accept her burden, and don't overestimate the pleasure she gives you. And then you will rise to a new level, receiving joy from your appearance, which will not prevent you from developing, being a decent person and finding true love - not in the mirror and not in the approval of others, but in the family, in strong relationships and hard-earned happy moments. …