Early marriage today is a very loose concept. The Family Code sets the age of marriage from 18 years old, and life shows that some people should not rush to create a family even at 25.
It is difficult to draw the line between "early" and "late" today. Society's traditional notions of morality and maturity are increasingly conflicting with reality.
Judge for yourself: from the point of view of jurisprudence, early marriage is considered if it is contracted by young people before reaching the legal age. And psychologists insist: the time to create a family should be connected not with age, but with the understanding by the newlyweds of the consequences of their actions. According to experts, readiness for family life should be determined not only by physical maturity and coming of age, but also by social responsibility. But growing up is different for everyone.
And infantilism, unfortunately, every year becomes more and more vivid sign of the times.
Test of maturity
Recently, the All-Russian Center for the Study of Public Opinion (VTsIOM) presented new data, according to which the citizens of our country consider 23 years to be the optimal age for marriage for women and 27 years for men. At the same time, young people tend to set the age bracket somewhat lower, and older people - higher.
The overwhelming majority of young people who have participated in various surveys on family issues over the past five years do not see anything wrong with getting married right after school. This position of young people is quite understandable: youth is characterized by romantic ideas about life.
In addition, young respondents often believe that early marriage is nothing more than a "test of their own maturity."
For them, getting married is almost as easy as hopping on a bus: if it turns out that you have chosen the wrong route, it's okay - you can change to another. For many girls today it is considered prestigious to "get married" at least once, young people follow a different logic: "if it doesn't work, we'll run away." At the same time, few people think about the consequences of such hasty decisions. Unlike representatives of the older generation, who are not inclined to support early marriage these days. In their opinion, first you need to get a decent education, find a well-paid job, and only then think about family and children. Alas, not all young people ask their parents if they are ready for this. Does dad want to be a grandfather and mom wants to be a grandmother? And is it right to provide for your child until the beloved child retires?
Not ready to be a grandmother
But it's easy to speak abstractly and be objective in theory. An acquaintance called me the other day: "My son is going to marry!" Tears, anger, bewilderment, a desire at all costs to reason with the young man's fighting spirit, judging by his voice, immediately seized her friend. I tried to calm her down, find out the details and somehow help in the current situation.
“My bear has been dating a girl for five months already,” she told me. - I don't know much about her, I saw a couple of times, but I really didn't have time to talk. I never climbed into his relationship, always believed that you should not poke your nose into the guy's personal affairs. And I knew that youthful feelings sometimes go away, then come: today this girl, tomorrow - another …
He is only 19 years old, he graduated from school only a year ago, is studying at a university. I can’t reproach you with anything. And then a couple of days ago he gave me and my father: to marry, they say, I want to, we will rent an apartment.
And he looks at us … Well, the sofa was nearby, there was a place to sit. At first I thought that this was all a joke, but it turns out - no.
This story ended in nothing.Parents on both sides of the loving side stood up as a united front and refused to provide financial assistance to the young.
And the young romance faded away smoothly.
- Thank God the girl is not pregnant! - the failed mother-in-law summed up. - I'm not ready to become a grandmother, I myself am still able to give birth to a child.
I understand my friend's relieved sigh: the vast majority of modern early marriages, as in the old days, are due to an unplanned pregnancy. By the way, according to statistics, during the first sexual intercourse 70 percent of Americans are protected, and among Russians there are only 20 percent of them.
“The desire to get married or get married as soon as possible among very young people is quite understandable,” comments sexologist Oleg Danilov. - From the point of view of physiology, they are ready for sex life, hormones are overwhelming. However, if young people are motivated exclusively by what they consider to be love, that is, physical attraction to each other, and this is the only argument in favor of a hasty marriage, then it will not last long. Youthful maximalism, coupled with infantilism and inability to build relationships - all this inevitably destroys relationships.
Indeed, in our country, early marriages are usually short-lived: out of six such unions, only one passes the test of time and does not break up.
If this is love
Muscovites Tatiana and Sergei Sinitsyn have been married for four years, they got married in their first year of the institute, when they learned about the upcoming addition to the family.
- At first they were very scared, we were not sure that they were ready, - says Sergey. - Both I and Tanya planned to finish their studies, to get up on our feet. But fate itself put all the points … There were quarrels, and tears, and even thought to run away.
But there was this fleeting weakness. I love my wife very much and my daughter too. I do not regret anything and generally cannot imagine my life without them. It was only the first year that was hard, then everything went smoothly with work, my parents helped me a lot. By the way, when we found out that Tanya was pregnant, we didn't know how to tell them about it. They seem to be not children, but not adults yet … Their reaction shocked us in a good sense of the word: they were delighted, and certainly much more than Tanyukha and I. Then there was no doubt and fear at all. Now we are thinking about our son.
The history of this family is a rare exception. Unfortunately, not everyone has such a good life. The plot about "flying" is often known for a not so happy ending.
You do not even need to refer to statistics, and it is clear that in the event of a divorce, the baby remains in most cases with the mother.
And newly-made grandparents rarely turn away from their grandson and, sighing heavily, take care of their unlucky daughter and baby. There are also institutions in the capital for "little mothers", girls whose relatives are categorically not ready to babysit their children and drive their daughters out of the house. But is this the desired development of events? However, negative experiences are also experiences from which basic life lessons are drawn. Trying to calm the ambitions and ardor of young people is about the same as trying to knock out your shadow - it's useless. Therefore, experts advise to pay more attention to the upbringing of their offspring in childhood. And if it so happened that the child is "unbearable" to marry, try to understand the reasons for this decision and help him become happy.
It is noteworthy that the participants in sociological polls on the topic of early marriages cite love as the main argument in their support and that a child, if one has appeared, should be brought up in a complete family.
Lyudmila Fedotova, psychologist:
- Often, the desire to marry early is a way for young people to prolong the feeling by presenting the public with proof in the form of official evidence. The reasons may be the expectation of a child, and the desire to "legalize" sexual relations.
And sometimes teenagers want to "play with the family."The motivation to take this step can also be the desire to "experiment" on oneself or on a partner, or, what is most terrible, to annoy a person who has rejected feelings. Such "strong arguments" only confirm the immaturity of young people. Often, early marriage is contracted to get rid of unnecessary parental care. Here I would advise you to learn to think about everyday things. What if a young man earns so much that he barely has enough for himself?..
But sometimes young people want to start a family because in their common life they will really be better both psychologically and financially than if they lived alone. Many couples finished their studies and got to their feet faster, supporting each other. At the age of 18–20, the mental makeup of a person is not fully revealed, and due to the plasticity of the psyche, “grinding” is easier than in mature marriages.