On September 27 at 19:50, watch the melodrama About Lyuboff on the MIR TV channel. This film is really about love. In any case, his heroine, a speech technique teacher Dasha, who came to Moscow from the provinces and works in three places at once, sincerely falls in love with her charming student, businessman Vlad. He runs in political elections and wants to increase his chances of winning. With the help of her charming teacher: through the acquisition of brilliant oratory.
Photo: Shot from the film "About Lyuboff"
Cinderella's dream and what is behind it
And how would such a relationship develop not in the cinema, but in life? After all, meeting an intelligent, handsome, charming and at the same time wealthy man is the dream of so many girls! And even quite adult and intelligent women sometimes wait for their fairy-tale prince for years. Why is this happening and what is the evidence of building the image of an ideal partner? Psychologists and psychoanalysts spoke about this in an interview with the MIR 24 correspondent.
“The model of the relationship between a man and a woman is laid in the earliest childhood, when the child does not yet have the opportunity to critically assess and reflect on what he saw,” says psychologist Alexey Fureev. - If the example of the parents is good, and the child likes their relationship, then he tries to reproduce them in his adult life. But what if the child grew up in inappropriate conditions, if the example of the parents was, to put it mildly, not entirely successful? Then the child often finds another model of relationship, also absorbed in early childhood from fairy tales - as between a prince and a princess."
So, is the girls' massive dream of a handsome prince a symptom of trouble in the parental family? This is most often the case, psychologists say. “The dream of a prince is playing the subpersonal role of“Child”: finding a partner who can take on the solution of the main issues that arise in the relationship. This also applies to housing and household issues, - says psychologist, associate professor Tatyana Bondarenko. - Often the reason for this behavior is that most of the dreamer girls were brought up in an originally incomplete family without knowing their father, or lost their father in early childhood due to his death or the divorce of their parents. The result of such upbringing is a one-sided perception of a man, based, as a rule, on romantic books and films. And here he is - the image of the prince with his own eyes."
According to the psychologist, all little girls at an early age dream of being princesses and meeting a prince. This is normal. But as you grow up, enter adolescence, you should become aware of responsibility for yourself, your actions. Not receiving the attention and care of her father, the girl expects her from the guy (man). Therefore, he must be ideal in terms of personal qualities, without housing and financial problems, ready to fulfill all her desires, caring and noble.
Photo: Shot from the film "About Lyuboff"
“And sometimes for a girl, finding a partner is, without exaggeration, a way of survival,” says psychologist Ivanna Kashina. - This happens when life in the parental family is not sugar. And the girl hopes that a man will appear here and solve all her problems. Not only the material and household plan, but also internal ones. Satisfy her hunger for warmth, tenderness, support. Simply put, it will take over the parenting functions. And in the end - and responsibility for her well-being."
When it turns out that it is impossible to shift this responsibility onto anyone, the girl is deeply disappointed. And the point here is not that the man turned out to be far from ideal and "did not pull." The request just turned out to be unrealistic. Everyone is responsible for how he builds his life, regardless of the presence of a partner.
Maybe it's better not to get married at all
“The phenomenon of waiting and looking for a prince is complex and symptomatic for society,” says psychologist and psychoanalyst Alexander Skurtul. - The expectation of the prince is promoted by such character traits of girls and women as infantilism, narcissism, perfectionism, anxiety. Many of these qualities are much more developed among today's youth than among the generation of their parents."
Of course, the easiest way is to talk about immaturity, infantilism, unwillingness to grow up, if we are talking about a specific girl who is looking for an ideal mom and dad in one bottle instead of a real guy. So that he himself was a miracle how good, and solved all problems, and carried the whole world to her feet in a beautiful gift box.
However, psychologists argue that such infantilism does not grow out of nowhere and sometimes this indicates a fear of marriage and an unwillingness to get married. They say that it is much better to dream and wait than to build real relationships, which sometimes bring pain and disappointment. Moreover, such attitudes often turn out to be deeply hidden from oneself. The girl has no idea that she subconsciously avoids relationships. What family stories and dramas are behind this! One's mother lost three husbands in a row, and now for a daughter to get married means to immediately become a potential widow. Another's father drank and beat, so she developed a deliberate distrust and rejection towards real, not fictional men. And for the third mother, all her life she remembered her first youthful love, lost after her parents moved to the capital.
How men react
How do men react to all this? The options are very different. Here are some possible scenarios of behavior if a man was made to understand that he is not a prince from a fairy tale at all.
“Most often it’s bewilderment,” says Alexander Skurtul. - Because a man, wishing to get acquainted, immediately receives an unmotivated and inexplicable refusal, or motivated, but not at all adequate."
Less conscious men, according to the psychologist, experience and show anger and aggression. They try to devalue and criticize not only the girl's desire to have an ideal partner, but in general everything that concerns her personality: mind, beauty, parents, prospects, and so on. Of course, this is a toxic and unacceptable reaction, unworthy of a man.
And, of course, you can meet the reaction of "accepting the battle". In this case, the man understands the girl's preferences, but insists on his own: continues courtship, maintains contact, demonstrates his positive qualities. This style of behavior has its own meaning, because by remaining constant, a man proves the most important thing: his reality. Then it's a matter of time. Sooner or later, most girls revise their expectations under the pressure of age.
According to Natalya Trukhina, the reaction of a man to the fact that the image of a handsome prince is being sought in him can be very different, from delight and acceptance to misunderstanding and avoidance. “It depends, first of all, on what the man expects from his partner and future wife,” says the psychologist. “And expectations depend on his age, social status, life experience, experience of communicating with women, parental scenario”.
For example, if a man is already at an age, has achieved a lot in life, but family life did not work out due to the fact that he devoted himself entirely to his career, then it may be quite real that he will be satisfied with a young princess who draws a prince in his imagination. He no longer needs to achieve anything, count on support, help, advice, he just wants to enjoy life, he wants peace and love. And then that same princess appeared on the horizon: dreamy, romantic, waiting for the strong and faithful, who would pick her up and take her to the castle. Which he does.
A month or two passes, the princess spreads her wings, she already feels like a queen. She has already satisfied her youthful dreams, new needs appear that also require satisfaction. But the prince did not count on this at all. The continuation of the story can be very different and depends on the vision of the situation, on the motives, desires, and actions of each participant.
What to advise potential princesses
Going in search of their prince, psychologists advise modern princesses to understand themselves. Here are the questions that psychologist Natalya Trukhina advises to honestly answer to herself:
Do you fit the status of a princess
Can you clearly describe what kind of princess you are
Are you ready to play the part of the princess until the end
Do you represent the prince's requirements for your future princess
Are you ready to discuss your requirements with the prince?
Try to imagine yourself as a princess in 20 years
“It doesn't matter what role you have assumed: princess, shepherdess, business woman, iron lady, kind mother,” says the psychologist. - It is important that you are aware of what kind of role it is, what it carries in itself: what actions, actions, behavior, thoughts; what requirements do you make to yourself in order to maintain this role. Are you sure that in 5-10 years you will not get tired of this image? Yes, if you decide to change him, then do not forget to warn your prince about this so that he understands that you are no longer the one he married!"
The trouble is that the scenario of unearthly love and extraordinary relationships does not fit well into real life. “In our society, love is considered 'real' if it contains a fair amount of drama, since the model of codependent relationships is traditionally widespread,” says Ivanna Kashina. - Emotional swing, self-sacrifice, idealization of a partner are seen as signs of "great feelings." However, building a real family and raising children in such a relationship is very difficult.”
We have freedom of choice in our lives, and that's great. At the same time, no one will free us from responsibility for this choice. And the best choice a girl can make on the threshold of adulthood is to choose herself and her interests in the long run. Even if this is fraught with considerable effort on the part of the girl herself.
What can you recommend for dreamers? “You have to learn to look at a man not as a prince, but as a partner with whom you can build long-term relationships. Polls show that people who assess their relationships as successful see in their chosen ones more than 20% of those qualities that they would ideally like to see in a partner. That is, if, conditionally, write a list of wishes for your chosen one, then it will be possible to build a successful relationship if the man you like has at least a fifth of the expectations. Of course, the most important and necessary qualities and personality traits should fall into these twenty percent!”, Advises psychologist Aleksey Fureev.
“The seeker of princes is by no means a sentence,” says psychologist Irina Funtikova. - If the lack of relationships becomes a problem for a girl, if there is an urgent need to change something in life, then it is quite possible to help her within the framework of psychotherapy. Help the "little girl" understand that her father is a person with merits and demerits and with his own psychological trauma, that the relationship between parents concerns only the parents themselves. To help restore a realistic image of the father, to give the mother her feelings, emotions, possible grievances, to deal with negative attitudes, beliefs, family scenarios. Help to accept life experience and grow support within yourself."
And then a harmonious relationship with a real, not a fabulous partner will give you a feeling of happiness.