She Will Cry With Happiness: We Check The Advice Of Sex Experts In Practice

She Will Cry With Happiness: We Check The Advice Of Sex Experts In Practice
She Will Cry With Happiness: We Check The Advice Of Sex Experts In Practice

Video: She Will Cry With Happiness: We Check The Advice Of Sex Experts In Practice

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When your friend starts crying in bed, you realize that you did something very right or extremely wrong.

Everything seemed normal a moment ago. And by "everything" I mean sex. After cleaning the apartment in the morning and jogging together, we settled on the couch, going to watch a movie, but soon we were holding hands and stroking each other. We started to have sex slowly and picked up speed until we finished face to face, lips to lips, hips to thighs, eyes open. We were both sweating. It was like a dance. And then she began to cry.

From the beginning of our acquaintance until this moment, we had a lot of exciting and loud sex. It was as if we met after a long separation and passionately made up for lost time. It was a coincidence, or maybe fate: both had little intimacy in past relationships. It was a real miracle for her and for me - the opportunity to feel wanted again.


When we were together, we were usually in bed. And by "in bed" I mean having sex; but we had sex not only in bed. When we had to leave, we never stopped exchanging text messages, and midnight calls lasted for hours. But she had never cried before.

I asked her what does that mean? A friend answered: in those seconds she felt that we were very close people, as if we had just become a couple. I felt the same way. It was at that moment that I decided that this relationship was special for me. And with this girl I want not only friendship and sex, but also a family.

From the beginning of our acquaintance until this moment, we had a lot of exciting and loud sex, but she had never cried before.

But this event had other equally important consequences. I realized that her tears were not just a sign of good sex, but great sex - that she felt deeply satisfied - both physically and emotionally. And that became my goal. The bar was set high. Since then, I have tried to achieve this deep connection every time. In short, you understand - now I was seeking tears.

Soon, however, we passed the initial, brightest, stage of the relationship, and the routine began. My friend had a new responsible job, and the time we spent in affection now was spent on some mundane business. Sex has become less frequent and certainly more tortured. I decided to myself: the more it will be, the sooner we will again feel that deep connection between us. But in fact, it turned out that I put pressure on her and forced her to resist: for example, when I grabbed her between the shower and leaving for work. And by "grabbing her" I mean a failed attempt to have sex. It seems that after that, the friend left the house in some irritation.


The defining moment happened when we were having dinner with friends in a restaurant. They talked about how often people have sex: friends reported that they "do it" every day. At home, I told my friend that I envy that couple. She objected: we have had sex twice this week, why is this not enough? I could not find an answer.

Praise the universe, we have Men's Health. And I am friends with the editor of this magazine. We dined with him the next day, I timidly told about my problems, and this story brought my friend into professional delight. In general, by the end of lunch, I received a task: to contact Debbie Herbenick, Ph.D., sexologist (who did not know, this is MH's full-time sex expert), develop an action plan, implement it and write a report in the magazine. Maybe this story will help you too, reader? [NEXT_PAGE] [/ NEXT_PAGE]

Herbenick recipes

1 Exercise. And better - together

Intense sports use the same part of the female nervous system (scientifically called sympathetic) that is also activated by sexual arousal. So after the gym, her body - and her brain! - will be ready for other exercises as well.

2 Use a vibrator

Research by Debbie Herbenick herself has shown that in most cases, a vibrator increases arousal and makes it easier to achieve orgasm. True, all this is true for the ladies.

3 Use lubricants

A 2011 Indiana University study found that using lubricants provides couples with greater sexual pleasure and comfort.

4 Be aware of what is happening

Women are more likely than men to be distracted during sex. Canadian scientists say that if a lady focuses all her attention on the sights, sounds and sensations that occur during sex, her desire and arousal will grow.

5 Use new poses

For example, in the missionary position, a man can move upward so that the base of his penis pushes against her clitoris. This makes it easier to reach orgasm.

6 Hug, kiss, touch

But no sex. Women often perceive such affection only as an invitation to sex. Try to dispel this myth, she will feel more relaxed, and both of you can have more pleasure in the relationship.

7 Try new things

Scientists from the State University of New York (USA) argue that a new experience leads to the production of hormones in organisms - like those that arise in lovers.

8 Substitute your shoulder

Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry … Research shows that a woman has an unfamiliar thrilling feeling when you start doing it together.

9 Complicate the scenario

Indiana University gives instructions: to guarantee your partner's orgasm, use at least 4-5 sex techniques during one act. Mutual oral sex (counts as two techniques), breast massage, gadgets, vaginal sex as the culmination of a long fuss … Our opinion: Do your own research.

The kind doctor asked me how long my partner and I have been together. 10 months? Great, she beamed, just enough to get used to. Well, I thought, that's the problem.

Herbenick sent me nine tips - here they are, in the column to the left. I was hoping for something wild and unbridled like "Try anal" or "Have sex five times a day." But the list turned out to be boring. Train together? Well, that's what we did that day of epic sobbing sex. There were few new ideas (for example, 2 and 3), and we did the rest of the points from time to time. And one more thing - how can “cleaning the house together” (8) turn into mind-blowing sex? And how does “mindfulness” during sex (4) contribute to orgasm?

So I went to the bookstore to look through the manuals. Useful advice: if you also need literature about sex, don't poke your nose into the bookstore between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm - at this time there are a lot of schoolchildren here. It's hard to focus on choosing between a blow job encyclopedia and a collection of tantric poses when teenagers argue about Dostoevsky in the next aisle. Confused, I ran, grabbing from the shelf only the work of the same Debbie Herbenick - the book "Because It's Nice: A Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction." The woman at the checkout asked if it was necessary to hide the purchase in the package. "Yes please".

Reporting: I have read the book. It has several chapters with furious descriptions of female anatomy, but I was intrigued by the general message: release tension, relax, be open and have meaningful sex, even if it means "have sex rarely." In this sense, Herbenick's work is not about improving sex life, but about building relationships. Let's remember: I put pressure on my soul mate, strained her with the demands of sex. We began to swear more, there were some petty everyday nagging at each other.Herbenik's advice - to relieve tension, not to set yourself algebraic problems in your bedroom, but just to have fun, seemed more than reasonable to me.

The advice to relieve tension, not to set yourself algebraic problems in the bedroom, but just to have fun, seemed to me more than reasonable

But the bottom line is that it takes mutual trust. And to be imbued with this rare feeling, all of Debbie's other (even mechanical) advice is needed. For example, she recommends hugging, kissing and touching each other more - even (and especially) if we are not having sex. And try something new together. Well, let's get started: now, without hints and requests, I give my friend a head massage when we watch TV (she likes it), but at the same time I don't breathe noisily, I don't roll my eyes and I don't try to grab her by the chest, that is, I don't perform a male dance before mating. We also signed up for ballroom dancing courses and shared (and won!) Dirty linen and dishes.

Has our sex gotten better? No, not right away. But we got close. It may have worked, but it was still too early to draw conclusions. The research had to be taken to a new level. And we went to the sex shop.


We met after work, both slightly on edge. We stood side by side, silently staring at the shelves of brightly colored appliances - mostly phallic in shape. We were at a dead end, but somewhere deep down I was enjoying this "we." And the dead end did not frighten me. Sex shop staff are prepared for such situations. Somewhere on the side, a consultant unobtrusively weaved out of thin air: "I can recommend this type of product, it is designed to stimulate the perineum." My friend and I looked at each other, thinking about what "perineal stimulation" is and why it is needed. The selection process has begun. Where is your lubricant shelf?

One by one, we tested each of Herbenick's proposals. Sometimes we only had one piece of advice, like 9 (Make It Hard) - it was a bit weird, but this technique definitely prolongs the act. And sometimes we, not paying attention, followed several of her advice at once: for example, we had fun together, and then we did housework together - and hugged during all these activities.

That mysterious deep connection did not arise between us. There were no sobs in bed either. However, something has changed in me. I no longer yearned for her tears. I gave up expectations, including the lofty ones. We really have less sex. But if no one counts, then no one cares. [NEXT_PAGE] [/ NEXT_PAGE]

Sometimes we just played around and laughed. Sometimes they gave each other back massage. After all, that's the whole point of a healthy relationship: to please each other. Did it work? I'll tell you now.

But first, let me lay out the case for lubricants. Of all Herbenik's advice, this one (3) gave the most impressive result. My friend and I both believed that we did not need this, because we are still far from 40! And, probably, there was really no need for lubricant. But many great things in life are unnecessary. Lubricant changes the sensation of sex, and changes for the better.

We bought three options - for "try". I liked more the feeling of complete absence of friction that the silicone-based lubricant provides. And my friend liked the water-based lubricant ("it has more naturalness"). And we both rejected the "naturally stimulating" sensitization lubricant, but it was fun to try. My advice: buy any options that intrigue you and try it in bed in the evening. Some will like it, some will not, but joint games in bed have not prevented anyone yet.


The improved technique of positioning the bodies during the act (tip 5) seemed strange to us and did not bring pleasure. It was interesting to experiment with the vibrator, but it never became our constant companion. It was too artificial and too mechanical.But what was important was that we tried, because it allowed us to find what worked for us. Well, I will repeat again - we chose TOGETHER.

So did it work?

One day after a long day at work, we met at home. She just ran through the park (tip 1) and I was cooking dinner. We talked about current affairs and new impressions, tidied up the kitchen and washed the dishes - not exactly shoulder to shoulder, but with one goal: to scatter all the things so that we could spend time together later. We had no definite plans, nothing pressed on us. We moved slowly. I touched her. She touched me. We fiddled with one type of lubricant, then another. After some time, we were already doing it with might and main.

And it was great sex. It doesn't matter how “great” is just good and funny or serious and meditative; a languid marathon or a tense sprint - there was a little of everything in it. When we finished, we sat facing each other. My hand was on her back, her hand was on mine. We looked at each other, and a second later she leaned back on the mattress and began to cry. Then she laughed.


This time I knew what had happened between us. We have set aside time for ourselves, and not only this evening, but every day. We abandoned sports sex with its goal setting and stormy assessments from imaginary stands - and replaced it with the desire to make each other happy. We are now really together. These are all ingredients to improve your sex life.

A little lubricant is a good idea, though.

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