For three decades Russia has been in the "top leaders" in terms of the number of divorces.
According to Rosstat, in the second half of the twentieth century, the number of divorces in the country increased fivefold. If in the 50s of the last century the number of officially broken up marriages did not exceed 0.5, then in 2002 the country broke the record for the entire history of observations - 5.9.
High rates have continued into the new millennium: in 2016, the divorce rate dropped to 4.1. On average, every third couple gets divorced, in some regions, according to statistics, every second.
The RIA Novosti correspondent found out why people in modern families are increasingly filing for divorce, what makes young people not rush to get married, and how long love actually lives.
Different ages, three problems, one trouble
Today, divorced men and women share family problems not only with loved ones, but also anonymously on social networks. For the most part, the reasons are the same: feelings disappeared, a husband or wife fell for treason, one of the spouses got drunk, or reality turned out to be far from expectations.
Among the often repeated reasons - "he could not provide for our family" and "with her I did not see our future."
Nikolai (name has been changed) says that he lived with his wife for only three months and realized that they would not be able to keep their family together.
"Partly the fault was on me, because I spoiled her and allowed her to sit on her neck. She was fixated on gossip, Turkish TV series, food. And I am from an intelligent family, I have other goals - career, education, self-development. I wanted this for her. also to vaccinate, but she was not interested, "- says the man.
He says that his wife did not do housework, but "wanted to walk a lot and spend immensely money."
"Many will say and will be right: where did I look? But I was in love with her. I did not drink, did not row up, did not beat her. I did not cheat. Earned well. But the relationship went too far. Having learned that I wanted to get a divorce, she began tell neighbors, relatives and colleagues that I am impotent. I even thought to sue her for libel, because she had health problems, there is a certificate, "says the man.
Fotolia / Olga Ivanova
Muscovite Svetlana lived with her husband for 15 years, but divorced because he often drank.
“The moment came when I could no longer tolerate this and filed for divorce,” she says. “My husband knew about this, but did not go to court hearings. We were divorced anyway. While we live in the same apartment, because he has nowhere to go. We are raising a 13-year-old daughter together, and I am afraid to tell her that my father and I are divorced, because she is very vulnerable. The husband, now a former, has withdrawn, he is silent a lot, is sad, and has begun to work very little."
Natalia and Alexander from Chita celebrated a porcelain wedding - 20 years of marriage, and a year later divorced. It turned out that her husband had been cheating on Natalia for the last 10 years.
“We brought up two children, in principle everything was fine. But I began to notice that we were moving away from each other. Constant claims on my part - starting from an open cap from toothpaste and ending with a late arrival home. He did not react to my scandals. it turned out that he had a mistress. Against the background of my constant tantrums, she probably looked like an angel, but in fact took her husband away from the family. Six months later we divorced, 12 years have passed, we still do not maintain relations."
H - independence
A more detailed picture of the reasons for the divorce is given by long-term polls by VTsIOM. Sociologists summarized the results and found that divorce, like marriage, in modern society depends more on individual reasons than on established norms, as it was in the Soviet years.
The reassessment of family values was influenced by the period of stagnation, perestroika, the collapse of the Soviet Union, and economic crises. According to sociologists, society has become free, each person is independent.
The experts also concluded that the emerging opportunity to divorce gave the man confidence in his abilities. So he can show that he himself controls his own destiny. Rosstat confirms these conclusions: a jump in the number of divorces was noted already in the 1980s - up to 4.2 per 1000 people. Further growth continued: in the 90s - 4.5, in the early 2000s - already 5.9.
Sociologists come to the conclusion that today there is no need to enter into an official alliance with someone, just to provide yourself and your child with everything you need.
Values have changed - personal growth and freedom have become more important. Divorced women, single mothers, as well as single fathers, are no longer condemned. Divorce is not considered shameful.
A study by Stanford University sociologist Michael Rosenfeld found 69% of divorces in the world are a wife’s idea. Russia is no exception: the research center of the Superjob portal concluded that 57% of divorces are initiated by women.
The influence of relatives and the presence of children are less and less cementing the marriage. At the same time, sociologists believe that the inability to "divide" property or to resolve the issue of the procedure for raising children after a divorce may become a deterrent. The economic dependence of one spouse also remains an important point.
Often the husband and wife themselves do not know why they needed this marriage and why now they want to divorce. Statistics confirm this: according to VTsIOM, only 10% of the surveyed residents of Russia believe that divorce is an extreme measure, and one should try to save the marriage at any cost.
In the 1980s, there was a practice in which the courts became partly psychologists and tried to maintain relations.
Lawyer Sergei Sery says that in his practice there was a case when a man wanted to divorce, and insisted on this categorically: "He and his wife had two children. And who reconciled them - the court, the party committee, the trade union committee or relatives, I do not know, but together to this day."
Fotolia / Rafael Ben-Ari
There is also the possibility of reconciliation in modern legislation. According to article 22 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, if one of the spouses is against divorce, the court can give three months for reconciliation and postpone the proceedings.
However, according to Serey Serykh, there are practically no positive cases: "I am not aware of such cases. But there is as much squabble over property as you like."
The chairman of the Interregional Arbitration Court of Moscow and the Moscow Region, Oleg Sukhov, agrees with the lawyer. For the past 15 years, divorce courts have been formal, he said.
The judges do not go into the details of the reasons for the termination of the relationship and do not take any action aimed at preserving the family.
"The process takes place mainly in one or two sessions and takes a maximum of 1-2 months. With this approach, the court is completely unnecessary, since it does not perform any special procedures subject only to the court. Any divorce may well be entrusted to the registry office," Sukhov considers.
He draws attention to the fact that during the dissolution of marriages, processes for the division of property arise in about 75% of cases. Disputes over children occur much less often, no more than a quarter of the time.
How long does love live
If the overwhelming majority of men and women in the early 2000s married a maximum of 25 years, then every year the unions are becoming "older". In 2016, the lion's share of marriages was already under the age of 35. At the same time, the number of divorces in the country practically does not decrease over the years, which, perhaps, refutes the stereotype “marriage at a more mature age makes marriage stable”.
Rosstat data: in the first four years of marriage, 40% of divorces occur. Another 23% of couples break up after 10 years of marriage. The remaining 37% of marriages break up after 10 or more years.
Hurry to jump out
According to psychologist Elena Turina, as a rule, divorces happen because people did not have a clear idea in advance of why they needed a family, and did not know the person with whom they planned an alliance.
"This is the primary reason for divorce - partners just rushed to get married as soon as possible. The girl wants to" run away into marriage "because her family may have had mental pressure, for example, she was told that she was somehow" wrong. " there may be their own complexes, an awareness of imaginary failure. The race in this case is the foundation for a divorce. When people get to know each other better, it may turn out that the husband loves to drink, and the wife is hysterical, "says Turlina.
The psychologist is sure: you need to fight for marriage when you really have something to keep. "Often times in families there are crisis moments, for example, when a child is born or one of the spouses decided to get a higher education or got a job. Roles are redistributed. But this crisis will pass, the joints will be smoothed out, and the family will reach a new level," the psychologist is sure.
Fotolia / olly
Turlina believes that for a happy and long-lasting marriage, one does not need to consider every acquaintance as a potential spouse: "If you meet a person and think about how to show your best side, you may not consider who you are going to build a relationship with."
Nevertheless, according to psychologist Elena Turlina, the institution of marriage has not become obsolete, it has only noticeably changed in comparison with past generations.
“Now marriage is based on other principles: many men are looking for a mistress for their home, for regularity in their intimate life, some are subject to public opinion that“the time has come.”Often, men, as well as women, sign to achieve heights in their careers. male gigolos or girls who want to stay at home and not work. And earlier, marriage was based on the conduct of a joint life, depended on the material well-being of the spouses, plus moral principles and stereotypes in society did not allow them to quickly disperse. from each other. It was just hiding, she says.
Often people do not know how to live in marriage: their main task is simply to get married or get married. After that, the psychologist believes, many begin to act without taking into account the interests of the spouse. "Both men and women think," Now I can do what I want."
After receiving the stamp in the passport, no one tries to make a good impression on the partner. But often this happens not because the spouse does not respect the opinion of the other half: the fact is that he does not know how to behave differently, the psychologist is sure.