In the northern capital, according to statistics, almost every tenth man regularly searches for his love on the Internet. However, you don't have to go far: just look around, and you can find a dozen (or even more) friends and girlfriends who, in their 25-30 years (and older), are left without a pair. More than 70% of marriages break up today, and these are new replenishments of the army of singles. Why is a modern person forced to exist in an autonomous mode? Why does being able to find your prince and princess seem like a real challenge?
What are the reasons?
Loneliness is different. Forced. Temporary. Comfortable. We analyze the story, when a guy / girl still constantly suffers: “Well, where is she, the only one (he, the only one)? How long can you wait! " Yes, everyone has their own individual story, it is impossible to comb all of them one size fits all. But general tendencies can be indicated.
“If we talk about the causes of painful loneliness, then first of all it is worth saying that the majority of lonely people are still infantile people who have not really matured. For example, the boy never realized that he was a man,”says Alexander Nikulin, head of the continuing education department at the Institute of Psychotherapy and Medical Psychology. - They are not capable of adult behavior, responsibility, risk. But a relationship is also what a risk and an adventure."
The reasons for this infantilism are different. One of the common denominators is that a person is not ready for difficulties and is used to avoiding them from childhood. He is comfortable, comfortable, warm in his cocoon. Meanwhile, the process of maturation is associated precisely with overcoming vicissitudes. And from a young age. A boy fighting is better than running away from the battlefield. Defending its territory - excellent. Went to the army - he will return as a mature person. Overcoming difficulties, experts say, is the best way to leap forward.
“An adult is one who is able to take responsibility, take care of someone else, he does not go with the flow, does not blame the whole world for his troubles, does not always wait for outside help,” explains Alexander. - Moreover, he will never be alone, he will always find a companion. Except for those cases when he himself does not need it."
Breaking the connection of times
Another important reason is the violation of the so-called connection of times, social traditions. And first of all - the culture of initiation, which allowed a person to record his own growing up.
“Let's remember the Soviet past,” says psychologist-consultant Ekaterina Vovk. - The October Revolution, pioneers, Komsomol members, each dedication is a new step, the adoption of a certain code of honor. In a society where a student does not go through such stages, he often psychologically remains a child - egocentric, separate, not included in society. So, not quite ready to build a family life."
Who will help if there are no such institutions? Senior comrades, teachers, mentors, coaches, psychologists. And, of course, the closest ones - mother, father, grandmothers, grandfathers, who do not grow a child as a greenhouse plant and do not close their eyes to his problems.
“The institution of the family in Russia, unfortunately, is disappearing,” says Anatoly Altukhov, head of one of the marriage agencies in St. Petersburg. - Every day I face the same situations - people do not know how to build a family. They were not taught this, they were not shown the right examples."
It is very important, according to Altukhov, in the first years of life to instill in the boy a model of male behavior, in the girl - female. That is, to show, to explain that the boy is the future father, the head of the family.The girl is a mother who supports the family hearth, and in no case fights with a man, does not challenge him.
“What are we facing today? The girl is brought up as Marfusha from the fairy tale "Frost" - "I want, I want, give, give!" As a result, her ideal is a husband who cares for, cherishes and supports. As a result, these girls miss out on normal guys and are often left with nothing. A lot of guys are mama's boys. And they also want to consume, not give in return - they want young, beautiful, educated and necessarily non-mercantile."
Another "inhibiting" factor is the image of the constricted / constricted. A lofty ideal that can be sought for an infinitely long time!
Often exaggerated demands make you ignore others, with whom, perhaps, a real happy life would develop. Or such an example: you have finally found your person. Over time, we "discerned" all its qualities. And, it turns out, he likes to lie on the couch. Or she doesn't like cats at all, like you. Or weekend trips to nature. Missed again?
“An adult gaze presupposes not throwing, not an idealistic perception of reality, but a sober outlook on life,” says Ekaterina Vovk.
What to do?
How to overcome loneliness? First of all, psychologists explain, it is necessary to understand that being a couple (and even more so in a family) does not mean living in the Garden of Eden. There are no obvious benefits here - sheer chores. If you are lonely over and over again, then you are not ready to "take the weight". And with the current worldview, you can hardly. What to do? Change!
According to Alexander Nikulin, getting rid of infantilism presupposes an elementary take on personal responsibility. Try to show initiative where you have remained on the sidelines until now: at work, with friends, with family.
Willingness to give
As with old skin you will have to part with the "I live for myself!" ("These are my toys"). The union between a man and a woman is always "We", otherwise such a connection will crumble at the first occasion. In a couple, you will have to learn to give - yourself, your time, space. Be ready to declare everything valuable to yourself unimportant - cars, meeting friends, computer games, social networks, shopping, and a well-established rhythm of life.
“Often young and middle-aged people are dependent on their parents,” says Ekaterina Vovk. - If you want to become independent - become them for real. Start supporting yourself - even if you have to lose money and living standards. Live separately - you are no longer a schoolboy. Put yourself on a par with your father and mother. Realize that from now on you are not a burden for them, but support."
See another person
“There are 5 million people living in St. Petersburg, tell me - how can you be left without a pair with such a diversity? - says the medical psychologist Yana Malykhina. - Where can the thought come from - "There is no one!" In my opinion, this is strange."
The question, according to Yana, is different - are you able to see someone around you? And most importantly, are you ready to recognize the right of another person to his own aesthetics of life?
Communicating with people, we often communicate not with him, but with our ideas about him. If we stop obscuring the world, we will suddenly see that it is full of amazing, most interesting creatures. After all, what is the main focus of love - to allow at least one person to be next to us. Some girls today complain - "Where are they, real, strong men?" What does this mean? They have created the image they are looking for. Or maybe it is this very image that prevents you from getting rid of loneliness?
“There are no general recommendations on how to escape from our own captivity,” says the psychologist. - One is dominated by stereotypes learned in childhood, and it is difficult for him to wade through them. The other is traumatized by previous relationships, and does not end them, but continues to worry inside himself. The only recommendation is to be open, sincere, melt yourself, and something around you will definitely change."
Love someone yourself
And one more useful tip.
“Many are sitting and waiting to be loved,” explains Ekaterina Vovk. - And you try to love someone yourself. Show sympathy for the person. You will see - even an unapproachable man and a proud beauty will surely answer you."
As for the ways to find that one, there are infinitely many of them: from walking around the city, new hobbies, to the same dating sites. But, as we can see, so that everything does not end after the first dates, you first have to work on yourself.
Zakhar Prilepin, writer, father of four children:
- Unfortunately, people now for the most part do not serve in the army, do not go to great construction sites, do not conquer mountains. In a person, some of the qualities inherent in him for centuries disappear. He gets used to being alone.
From now on, others are, if not hell, then bustle and bustle for sure. We only meet to dance. However, dances should be such as not to hold each other's hands for too long. Nowadays, it's not very common to hold hands. People so passionately, so proudly repeat: "I am responsible for myself!" - but at the same time you hear: "I do not want to answer for anything!"
My personal observations that do not pretend to be statistics say that the peddlers of a new self-sufficient philosophy of life are city children who grew up alone, with a minimum number of sisters and brothers or even without them.
Those who gave birth to such a child wanted to give him more ("there is nothing to breed poverty!") - but gave less. They wanted him to become generous, because he was always full, but in a strange way it turned out exactly the opposite.
There is, for example, such a fundamental quality for any nation as selflessness. You can buy up all the glossy magazines at the nearest kiosk, reread them carefully - and you will never come across this word there. Children growing up in a large family learn this quality against their own will. And they also don’t know how to be sad. Selflessness is instilled in them, but the blues are not.
Family, I believe, is also the best way of self-realization and self-development. Through it you accumulate such a quantity of ideas about the world, such an amount of knowledge, a philosophical background of human existence, that you simply have no equal.
As for me, I feel a colossal head start in front of my colleagues who said that they would not build a family, because their family is their music, their children are their books. Well, no one needs you with your experience? The family is the fastest way of development, the ideal way to achieve efficiency and discipline.