Clinical psychologist and sexologist Elena Ershova talks about the reasons for self-doubt during sex, explains how talking with a partner can help solve this problem and what role sports play here. This material is not only for girls - it can also be useful for men (and this is normal).
- Sometimes we enter into a relationship in which we deprive another person of self-confidence, due to which we ourselves gain this confidence. In part, our upbringing is based on this method of management: do this, you will be a good girl, if you do not, you will be bad. This also includes the mythologization of beauty, that is, its stereotyped nature - everything that does not fit into this template is associated with ugliness. And again, society imposes the belief that this myth must be met. It is important to cultivate the correct attitude to your body, and we have such words as "shame" and "shame" associated with the body. All this forces us to isolate ourselves from him. We can no longer rely on what we ourselves consider necessary and correct, we have to follow ready-made templates approved by the cultural society. Depending on who we are in a relationship with, the patterns can be different. For example: I can be in a relationship with a partner who says that it is beautiful to be complete, he considers such forms attractive. I’ll have to match in order to like him. Another partner will appear - I will adhere to his ideas of beauty. And as a result, a feeling of misunderstanding arises: who am I? What should I be?
This problem can have roots in childhood. Some parents consider it normal to address their children in the format “you are such and such” - fat, thin, something is wrong with you. It is this attitude that generates in the child a feeling of self-doubt. That is, a person is “pathological” since childhood, he is “not the norm” for himself and for his mother - the foundation of uncertainty is laid long before adulthood and adulthood.
The problem of lack of confidence in oneself and one's body is common in various relationships: in friendships, relatives, workers, and love. Through certain assessments like "you are good" we are controlled by our parents and friends. We can be on the hook of this praise, they say, but today how? And without getting approval, we try to change our behavior. This allows you to manipulate another person, control him. This is how all the phenomena associated with psychological pressure work, with gaslighting (a form of psychological violence, the main task of which is to make a person doubt the objectivity of his perception, as well as in reality itself. - Ed.). These psychological maneuvers are used to make a person doubt themselves and be dependent on another.
The reasons for self-doubt in men and women are essentially the same - a male has an image that he must correspond to in order to be an ideal man, and a girl has her own. But since we live in a more patriarchal society, the very concept of "being a man" is a little more prestigious than "being a woman." And men have a bonus in this. A common phrase is: "a man should be a little more beautiful than a monkey." In relation to a man, we can say: "you are - it's great." And to get a woman her “you are - it's great”, you need to do epilation, dye your hair, lose weight, get fat, do makeup, smear cream on your feet and perform a lot of other manipulations.
How to Build Sexual Self-Confidence
1. Find out the reasons for insecurity in your body
If you or your partner is feeling insecure, it is necessary to investigate the area of the problem and find out the reasons.You need to understand: where did it come from? What influenced? How was it before? How is it now with a partner? Who do I feel more confident with? Ask yourself the basic question: what gives confidence and what takes it away?
2. Get rid of myths and stereotypes about beauty
You need to understand what your beauty myth is. Maybe it consists in the fact that you are not Monica Bellucci and will never become one? Then you can never undress. But there is another point. For example, when a woman is in the dressing room, she compares herself to those who are nearby. In such situations, we are all like the boy Kai with a splinter in his eye. This shard is like a magnifying glass. He forces us to see everyone around us in a positive light, increasing their strengths, and himself in the most negative way, multiplying just the shortcomings. Therefore, it is necessary to work "with the eye" so that this "piece of ice" falls out and makes you see the world differently. Most often, work with a specialist is required, because the problem is associated with the peculiarity of cognition of the surrounding world and self-perception. You need to work with self-esteem, analyze how I am valuable / valuable, and consider yourself, and not others. It is difficult for a person to direct attention to his characteristics; he prefers to scold himself in comparison with others.
3. Learn to say no
To do this, you need to know your needs. Imagine: a man touches your knee. And your thoughts are, “Does he want sex? Okay". It is necessary at this moment to think: "What do I want?" If in such situations you are able to think about yourself, there is an opportunity to change this balance - "and me?" always helps to return to reality and remember your needs. To say no, a girl needs to be self-reliant. For example, you have an annoying girlfriend who calls and suffers every day. You cannot say no to her - only if there is (or you will invent one) a good reason to explain your busyness and hang up. In fact, you are ready to help your friend, but every day it is really psychologically difficult for you to listen to her - and this is normal. It turns out that your usual unwillingness to spend time talking does not mean anything (then you could say no more freely). With food, there are the same problems: you do not know what you want to eat, and you choose what to eat. You need to practice the ability to refuse in such simple situations, to include thoughts: “What do I want? What I need?"
4. Go in for sports to feel your body
If a person works out in the gym, takes pictures, collects "likes", through them receives positive assessments from others and feels more confident, this is an indirect influence of sports on self-confidence. In this case, emotional support is triggered. If we are involved in a sport through which we feel more flexible, more beautiful, or even just feel relaxation (including mental relaxation), which relaxes muscles (swimming, yoga), this can increase the gap between thoughts and sensations, or it can give the path to sensuality in sex. We learn to understand that the body is something through which we can enjoy. It all depends on our attitude to training and through what we build it.
Maria Bogdanchikova, marketer, sex columnist Marie Claire:
- A man will never give you pleasure in sex if you do not know anything about your body. About six years ago, I suddenly discovered that I have a body, it is alive and it is a source of pleasure. Now it sounds like a joke, but I did not feel myself at all - arms separately, legs separately. I regained my sight by chance when I got to dance classes in strip plastic. It turns out that I can move in different trajectories, be light, graceful, viscous, like plasticine. Six months later, I was dancing modern jazz on the floor and practicing at the ballet barre. My biggest discovery was that you don't need to strain your body to see progress, but, on the contrary, you should relax it as much as possible.Then swimming, steamy yoga, Pilates, contact improvisation appeared in my life, and I "went limp" even more. It is impossible to do anything with a hard, tense body - it drowns, hits the floor during difficult dance coups, bruises from this, it does not get pleasure during sex. As a true kinesthetic, I am constantly experimenting with sensations. It's so great to find some new "sleeping" muscle and work it out in training - to feel how it wakes up. Sport is an opportunity to accept and love your body, to reveal sexuality and enjoy it.
5. Change your partner / think about support from your "girlfriends"
Partners can take an abusive (violent. - Ed.) Position. For example, a man will say to a woman: "You're fat!" And that's all. Contact with such a person is toxic. A woman constantly receives a set of such messages, but she is not sure of herself anyway. Friends are the same: "No, beauty is different when the figure is not like yours." There is another type of girlfriends who will say: "Well, you are cute, why do you need to change?" Unfortunately, there are people who are not ready to support our changes. Such an environment cannot help build confidence.
6. Talk to your partner
If a person realizes that his partner feels insecure and uncomfortable during sex, this topic needs to be discussed. And to talk not in such a way that “well, let's take off your clothes and calm down”, but to rationalize more. It should be explained that if you are dating, having sex, then you are good with him / her, you are not going to leave. That is, on the one hand, you need to objectify, and on the other, you should try not directly, but indirectly to raise such issues. You can talk about what you like about your partner, but not say something like “you’re a beauty,” but high-quality compliments, for example, “you have delicate skin,” so that the interlocutor understands that this is not a routine compliment. If the partner, for example, is embarrassed by intimacy in the light, offer him an alternative - to have sex without light, but by candlelight. It is necessary to create situations so that a person feels safe and at the same time leaves the usual comfort zone, which does not contribute to getting rid of insecurity.
One of the most difficult problems is when a partner's insecurity is amplified by rejection. The woman will say: “No, I don’t want sex now, it’s not your business, I just don’t want to”. And the man will take it personally. The partner then has no room to say no, because it hurts the other person. Therefore, it is imperative to talk about such things. In a dialogue between partners, you need to help the other understand what stereotypes he has, and try to understand these patterns. Such a conversation is necessary so that a person can relax and forget about their experiences.
7. Start just having fun
Learn to receive pleasure through the body that you have. If we're talking about sex, it's about touching. Imagine: here is a woman undressing and taking such a position so that folds do not form here and there, after which she focuses all her attention on them and loses the connection in feelings with her partner. In sex, it is very important to immerse yourself in sensuality, feel your body, interact with the body of your partner.
If we enter into a relationship with a person we like, whom we consider to be funny and interesting, with whom we have a good time, those folds that excite us will fade into the background, because we are already comfortable. You don’t have to treat each other like “you’re not enough Barbie” or “you’re not enough Ken” - avoid that.