Perhaps, each of us at least once in our life faced treason and was in the shoes of either an executioner or a victim.
The most burning topic that tears people in half, does not allow them to eat, drink and look to the future is the topic of personal relationships. We can survive everything - lack of money, loss of work, friction with colleagues, even quarrels with parents (although, it would seem, there is no one closer to them) - but problems in our personal life seriously and for a long time unsettle us.
Yana Poplavskaya, an actress, journalist, teacher, mother of two adult sons, spoke in her new column on "Letidor" about her view of fidelity in marriage and how to understand that relationships are on fire.
I will begin my column with a very bright incident that will forever remain in my memory. Once I was walking the dog and saw two men sitting on a bench. They were discussing something, but one of them looked at his watch and stood up abruptly with the words that he had to go home, because "otherwise, the screams of his wife will begin now and the evening will be ruined." They reminded me of two children doing something forbidden on the street and hiding from their parents.
I was shocked. This is where the lack of freedom, I thought
But can marriage be unfreedom? On the one hand, to some extent this is a compromise in many things. But on the other hand, you chose this “lack of freedom” of your own free will and out of great love for your partner.
In general, Russian women have a very strange attitude towards men. For some reason, many are sure that men are primitive and stupid.
Yes, men, perhaps, do not know how to manipulate as skillfully as women (women are more cunning, more pragmatic, more resourceful, more observant). Yes, they do not concentrate on details and cannot boast of excellent intuition (nature is so laid down that a woman has it developed, like an animal's scent). But this does not mean that a man is dumber or more limited.
In this, it seems to me, lies the beginning of the collapse of marriage.
Many people think that with these “primitive creatures” the only way is: “Come to me! To the leg! Nearby! Vote".
But what is this lack of freedom with which I began my column? Lack of freedom is always a desire to throw off the shackles and break free.
Give the man freedom - and you will not witness an intra-family rebellion.
In addition, this "stupid and primitive" man is often tormented by feelings of guilt. I raised two sons, so I know what I'm talking about.
Usually girls and boys are raised differently. They basically lisp with girls so that in the end the princess turns into a pumpkin (that is, into a habalka that shouts to her husband: "Where have you gone? What friends? What kind of a bathhouse ?!"). And boys are trained from childhood that they should be men: “How can you not help your mother? You're a man, it's a shame! " Not surprisingly, boys have much more exaggerated feelings of guilt than girls.
And since I have already said about princesses, I will continue - for some reason unknown to me, women in our country are unrealistically demanding, and often this exactingness is not based on anything (may my subscribers forgive me, because I am the same woman as and they).
So, what we have on the front of wives: it is impossible for a husband to meet with friends (God forbid to drink beer), demands and claims to the faithful are above the roof. Whereas on the front of mistresses everything is different. Every meeting there is a holiday with all the consequences: beautiful appearance (although this is not primary), lightness, mutual understanding. When a man says that it is time for him to go home, the mistress sings in sweet voices: “Yes, of course, dear, I understand. You have children, a wife (as often happens, with very, very poor health). But I will wait for you."
That is, at home: “Where have you been? How much money did you bring? Why didn’t he do it?”And the other woman said:“How are you? How are you feeling? How can I please you?"
By the way, modern mistresses have been upgraded, they don't ask for anything else directly. On the contrary, they still need to be persuaded to accept the gift.
“Why do I need a fur coat, because your junior does not have a jacket. Do you think I'm with you for the money? If you think so, then leave, you insult my love with such statements,”she says.
And the man, of course, takes this bait. Why? It's simple: every person wants to believe that he is loved just like that, that they are waiting for him and do not demand anything in return. So this very "stupid and primitive" man dreams about it (at that moment he does not think that he can lose everything because of the angelic beauty).
When he hears from his mistress “I don’t need anything from you, I only care about the relationship with you,” he begins to feel guilty.
And where there is a feeling of guilt, there is pity and a desire to cuddle, hug, close, protect.
In a man, a male wakes up, who wants to fulfill his protective function inherent in him by nature. Awakening the feeling of guilt in a man is the most terrible and powerful tool.
For the sake of such a fairy, a man wants to become a superman!
Many women lament that, they say, the lovemaker is to blame for everything, it was she who took her husband away from the family. But I think otherwise.
Why was your brain disconnected before? Why did you constantly poke your husband like a puppy in the dirt and reproach? Of course, he will go to another woman!
Now you will tell me that men only know how to do that on the couch to beat the sides. But I'm not talking about such specimens. My column is about those who are really sorry to lose.
So, if you are an intelligent woman, then as soon as you feel the problem, change your behavior tactics.
I understand that for many, the husband's phrase “I want to drink beer with my friends” is worse than a red rag for a bull. But put the gag in your mouth!
After all, why can you meet with your girlfriends, but your husband can't sit with your friends?
I can already hear your exclamations about monogamy, because you know better than anyone how their get-togethers with friends end. And I will say this: everyone requires monogamy, but at the same time each of us knows that he is not monogamous.
Monogamy is a matter of human choice. The man has already made his choice by marrying you. But you still want to control his every step, because you never know what
For some reason, many women perceive a man as an accessory dog on a leash. Everyone has different dogs: some have a fighting breed, some have pocket ones, some have show options. But a man is not an accessory, not an attachment to you. It is because of this outlook on life that many problems arise.
Why don't you tell him: “Darling, God is with her, with these unwashed dishes and the trash can. I can see how tired you are. I am insanely grateful to you! You are my hero, you are our hero! Of course, meet your friends, we let you go!”? (even stepping on the throat of your own song).
From a good life, where a person is loved, where he is expected, no one will ever run away.
Note that most often it is women who initiate a divorce. Why? Because they don't want to endure. And I always say, you don't have to endure. Do not love - do not tolerate. And if you love, then it makes sense to fight for the family.
In addition, the overwhelming majority of men do not want to lose their families. They confess: “Yes, I am a scoundrel, yes, I was walking. I confess, not monogamous. But I love my wife and children!"
Men are pretty inert. They always need motivation (and this is comfort in the family, love, mutual respect, joy of meeting). If there is no motivation, they lie on a log on the couch.
Not so long ago, a friend of mine got divorced (at the same time, he was not originally the initiator). It all started with the fact that when Dima came home, his wife did not meet him. Sveta watched the series and from the depths of a one-room apartment said "Hello!" (as if the husband went out to take out the trash for a second). And then she asked indifferently: "Do you want to eat?" Dima tried to talk about his work, but she said that it was all boring, that he had to leave work outside the house. But at the same time, she retold all the series to him inside and out. And then Dima got a high temperature.To his phrase “Something is not good for me,” his wife replied: “Who is it easy for now? I am also tired". He objected, said that he had a fever. But she blurted out: "З7.1 or what?" Then something in him clicked
“I looked at it all and realized that I don’t want to live like this. I do not want to live with a person who is not happy with me. I want to be hugged, kissed, held close to me in the corridor, or at least just joyfully said hello,”
- Dima confessed to me.
This is what I have always done and do when my husband comes, when we have sons.
Someone will remember that my marriage collapsed. But at some point I found myself in the same situation as my friend Dima.
I had a feeling that I was mortally tired, that I had no strength
My first husband did not even meet me at the airport. It would seem that it could be easier to take a taxi and come, but no
And Zhenya (my current husband) does not meet me only when he has a live broadcast (and that often tries to move him). I tell my husband that I will take a taxi, and he: “No, I want you to get off the plane and look for me with your eyes. We will smile at each other and hug each other tightly, because we have not seen each other for a hundred years. " One hundred years in our case is a maximum of 3-5 days.
I understand my friend. Indeed, why do we need such a relationship?
You often ask me in your messages how to understand that a man has a mistress. In fact, there is nothing complicated here (these are women - conspirators from God, and a man has blinders on his eyes). He constantly disappears at the tire service or goes to the dentist as to work. And the phone seems to be mounted in his hand. If suddenly the pipe is far away, he runs towards it, sticking out his tongue. And the person also becomes distant, thoughtful, answers inappropriately, gets annoyed over trifles, or suddenly suddenly becomes super attentive and incredibly generous.
After all, your husband doesn't sleep with you! But they rarely suffer from headaches.
Well, what more proof do you need? You perfectly understand what's going on
By the way, about the unexpected generosity. I remember during the divorce period I went to Georgia to see a friend. There I met her mother's friend. This gorgeous woman was in her 70s, her hands were studded with jewelry. She lived with her husband for 50 years, but the man was greedy for female beauty. Looking at her chic rings, she said: “The bigger the sin, the heavier the diamond. It is clear from these decorations that my man was in demand”. I was crying with laughter!
“Yes, I had Kobelino (a beautiful Italian name), but I loved him very much,” she said.
There are different situations: someone is a pathological walker (they are being treated abroad for sexual addiction), someone took a break on a business trip, and in the morning did not even remember the name of the beauty (the fact remains, men have less developed a sense of responsibility), someone generally framed (this happens not only in Hollywood films).
But one thing is important here - do you have feelings for the person.
One day my friend suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She decided to find out for sure, thought out a plan to expose.
I then directly asked her: "Will you leave him if it turns out that he has a different one?" She said no. “It is in the West that marriage contracts often contain subtleties with regards to infidelities (one of the spouses can receive a substantial sum for confirming the fact of adultery), but why do you need all this circus?” I exclaimed in bewilderment.
My grandmother had a wonderful phrase: “I don’t know, so it doesn’t exist”.
Indeed, for us there is no such thing that we probably do not know (even if we guess). No, I do not condone betrayal, I do not condone men's "weaknesses." I am just stating facts.
What's the use of endlessly calling her husband with the eternal “Where are you?”, What's the use of asking to turn on the video? Do you think that a person who has been caught by surveillance, claims and interrogations will not find an opportunity to gol, since he has set himself such a goal?
I will repeat once again - any person can stumble.But before you draw any conclusions and make a decision, ask yourself - what is at stake, are you monogamous, have you ever made a mistake. And also count the positive sides of a person right on your fingers (you need to start with the good ones!) And then remember the negative ones.
Just speak honestly, do not shield yourself, do not be a lawyer for yourself, but a prosecutor for him! In most cases, the margin for good will be enormous. Of course, this is only if you love the person. And if there is love, then it makes sense to fight for a relationship.
Yes, there are crises in marriage. But you need to monitor the relationship, you need to take care of yourself.
In no case should you turn into a dragon at home.
Home is where it is good, where they hug you, kiss you, rejoice for you, help. Home cannot be a prison. From prison they run to these "beautiful, cunning, monstrous mistresses." True, they often burn themselves afterwards and want to return.
Once a subscriber told me her story. She broke up with her husband for a long time, but now he calls her back. However, she still had a grudge. And besides, she considers herself old (and she is only 50 years old!) For a new life, she is afraid of condemnation and discussion.
The woman asked my advice whether to return to her ex-husband. I answered:
“If you ask, then you have feelings for this person. Why don't you give a damn about the opinion of your relatives and the advice of others? If you love, then pack your bags and go to him."
The only "but" in this whole story is that you cannot go back to that betrayal. It will not be possible to start a relationship from scratch (after all, memory and pain from betrayal cannot be erased from life), but since you decided to be together again, then you cannot reproach the past.
At one time I did not want this. I could not. Love was gone. Everything was burned out, but a long path was trodden - 25 years long. I did all I could.
And only when I realized that I didn't love, then I decided - that's it, I want to live a different life, and I have the right to do so!
And you have a right to happiness. Only the absence of love justifies your actions, only love can help you to forgive and live on.
Photo: Maxim Maximov
If you want to share your story with us, write here
Read other columns by Yana Poplavskaya:
If you want your son to be happy, then do not meddle in his family
What to do if a woman wants a child, but a man does not
Those who say they love their children the same are lying.
What to do if your child is homosexual
How to marry your son and not ruin your relationship with him
When my son was bullied at school, I taught him how to fight
I went through all the circles of hell with my hyperactive child
Having a baby after 50 is crazy
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