They live with each other, sleep with each other, make joint purchases and even give birth to common children, but they are in no hurry to become husband and wife.
You are wrong if you think everyone dreams of hearing the sound of wedding bells. According to statistics, about every second couple in our country, for one reason or another, does not want to formalize their relationship.
Why do lovers never reach the registry office, are there any advantages in a de facto marriage, how to react to a man's unwillingness to propose a marriage - the actress, journalist, public figure, teacher, mother of two adult sons Yana Poplavskaya discusses all this in her new column on the "Letidore".
This is the scourge of our time, as well as what is now called common-law marriage. By the way, have you noticed how people hate the word "roommate"? Most people do not like it, it hurts the ear, and in the news, when they talk about some domestic troubles, they often say this way: "The roommate put the woman and the child on the street," "The roommate beat the woman." Agree, the phrase "The common-law husband raised his hand to the woman" does not sound so disgusting, because it contains the word "husband".
What to hide, the terms are confused, the concepts are confused. The phrase "civil marriage" has undergone changes.
And, as it seems to me, this is normal. People themselves adapt to the time in which they live. So the hour has come for such a given.
Do you remember that some time ago the State Duma considered an amendment to the Family Code, which implied equating cohabitation (when people have been living together for more than five years) with an official marriage? This was necessary in order for the interests of the cohabitants to be protected by the state during parting, as well as during the divorce of official spouses. But, as you know, the State Duma did not pass this law
Really, after 5 years of residence, people did not find the time to apply, and then on the appointed day come with a passport to the registry office, you ask. Let's try to figure out together whether these lovers are really so busy people or there were some other reasons.
As with any other question, there are several positions here.
People are well aware that very often the very formalized, honest marriage, at the end of the relationship, does not protect against financial and property losses. Our lawyers just don't work well (I'm talking about ordinary people who don't have the opportunity to hire a top-level attorney for themselves).
When divorcing, people are faced with the notorious formula "50 to 50", and then the main thriller begins - the carve-up.
Of course, no one wants to get a divorce. This is not what people dream about when they choose a white dress and a tuxedo. They believe that their relationship will be unique, eternal, the strongest and, of course, will not end in a swinish division of property.
But it often happens that a person whom you loved, whom you believed, whom you adored, all of a sudden, even before the divorce or during it, rewrites everything of value to relatives or it is banal during your absence to take out all household appliances from the house and does not hesitate to grab even a chipped cup, which before a hundred thousand times tried to send to the trash. And then people have nothing to share
It seems that yesterday there was "common property", but today, on the day when it needs to be divided according to the court, the acquired by overwork is no longer there.
It should be remembered that in this case, our courts do not recognize the evidence. In order to prove something, you must have a stack of checks, carefully replenished with each purchase over the several years that you were together. But are there many lovers who collect checks?
In order not to find themselves in this situation, people choose the option, which is most often called the phrase "you need to look at each other." And many parents themselves advise their children such a “scheme” of relationships: “Wait, don't run ahead of the locomotive, where is the hurry? Live a year, and then decide. " And the lovers lived for a year, two, three, and then they (or one of them) come to the conclusion that the state should not interfere in their romantic relationship.
Unwillingness to go to the registry office is a kind of protest.
People reason quite logically: "I pay taxes from every salary, send my son to the army, pay the rent for the apartment and car that I own, so why do I need a marriage if the state is unable to defend their interests?"
Many (and especially wealthy people) do not want to officially register a relationship, so that later they do not share their big money with someone else. These men and women (more often, of course, men) hear from their environment such comments about a new passion: “She only needs your money. You will see, she will strip you like sticky! ".
Considering the fact that there are a lot of such examples around, they are simply afraid. The stakes are too high! They are ready to give blue diamonds, sable fur coats, but at all hints of the girl about getting married, they sweetly hum the song of Arkady Ukupnik: "I will never marry you, I'd rather eat my passport in front of the registry office."
I anticipate another question from you: "Why don't people conclude a marriage contract, since they are so afraid to stay at the bottom of the trough after a divorce?" People are scared of marriage contracts like the heck.
Some are against the contract, because I think they will look like a mercantile bastard, and not a loving person. Others say that the desire to conclude a marriage contract is an indicator of distrust in a person. Still others pompously declare: “What contract? I was brought up differently! " And the fourth (those who have already lived in a civil marriage) assure that love and money can be combined!
And I also think that feelings and material things go well with each other.
You just need to sit down and honestly talk about who spends how much, who has what background.
There are a lot of options for the development of events: either the lovers decide that the injured party gets everything (for example, when one of the partners falls in love and wants to start a new life), or they consider the beginning of their life as the zero starting point, because all they have is money parents (and they do not intend to share the earnings of their family with each other), or a man pays a woman for every year spent in a relationship if she refuses a career for him (yes, there are such cases)
The other extreme is people who have nothing of value. They receive an average salary, rent an apartment together, and save them together for summer vacations. They say: “We feel good as it is, we have nothing to share. Why do we need to get married at all?"
In this situation, which now prevails in our country, I still do not see the difference between an official marriage and an unofficial one.
Let me emphasize that I am now arguing not from the point of view of feelings, but from the point of view of the material base and protection of the injured party.
And now about feelings. Many advocate cohabitation because they feel more at ease and free in such a relationship. And it’s true, what could be easier than packing your suitcase and slamming the door in the first quarrel?
By the way, an interesting observation, the 2010 census showed an interesting picture that clearly demonstrates how men and women relate to de facto marriage.
It turned out that over 80% of men who cohabit with a woman do not consider themselves married!
And 9 out of 10 women, on the other hand, call themselves married at a time when their passport does not have a blue stamp!
After such statistics, like it or not, the notorious phrase comes to mind: "Civil marriage is an illusion of freedom for a man and an illusion of a family for a woman."
What most often comes up in a quarrel between roommates? No, not "You make little money" or "You are constantly hanging around in social networks." They say: “Who are you to me? You are not my wife!"
Social status is what is important for such a social animal as man.
“We have been together for 5 years, and you still introduce me to everyone as your girlfriend,” “Your parents somehow didn’t talk to me like that, because I’m not your wife!” She laments.
They say that if a man truly loves a woman, then he wants her to become his wife. After all that I have said about formal marriage, of course you will laugh when you find out that I agree with this opinion!
The phrase "Be my wife" is another confirmation of love!
If you love - get married! The woman will not hear other arguments! It has been hammered into the head by generations. Arguments "against" are not accepted. And, in fact, there are no arguments.
Like in the song:
-Do you love me?
-And you wake me up?
-So we will be together so we will always be with you!
The proposal to be officially together is proof of the seriousness of the relationship, this is a recognition that you are so dear to me that even despite all the risks and everything that happens around, I am ready and I want to marry you! This has nothing to do with the material base!
Nevertheless, in 2016 the number of civil marriages went off scale and broke all records! People live together, run a joint household, give birth to children, but do not go to the registry office!
Again, why? Believe me, not because they feel sorry for 350 rubles for registering a marriage. People live in an atmosphere of constant informational pressure, devaluation of the concept of official relations.
They are afraid of divorce, because three out of four marriages break up!
In addition, we all know that if you owe a penny to the state, then they will find you and not let you out of the country, but if you did not pay alimony or secretly took out everything, everything, everything from the apartment where your woman and your children live, then the state in such "personal dramas" he will consider himself a third superfluous.
I will not advocate for one form of relationship, nor for another. Here I will remain in position - think for yourself, decide for yourself. But, probably, I will say that it is necessary to conclude a marriage contract, especially for people who have children.
Right at the time of filing an application for marriage, I would suggest that lovers conclude a minimum marriage contract!
Yes, yes, of course, everything will be different for you, of course, your chosen one is the best person in the world. But, believe me, we often do not know ourselves, and even more so we can be mistaken in people whom we often blindly love.
I have lived with a man for 25 years. I don’t want to say anything bad, I don’t want to stir up the past. Just contrasting the fact - I didn't know him! I remember how, when I was not an adult girl, I was swinging on a swing, and my future husband told me that he would take care of me and our children all his life, he would carry me in his arms and become the biggest support for me in my life.
I believed him, but not right away. I lived in a civil marriage for three years! And as my future husband did not admonish me, I did not want to get married. Why I didn't want to - I won't answer, probably I didn't want to intuitively. Plus, I was so sad to look at some of the married people around me.
I thought, “What if I get married and my wonderful relationship turns into the same thing? What if this “out of wedlock” will preserve our romance?"
But everything was decided by chance, or rather the contract in Canada, which was offered to Sergei. I could only accompany him to another country as a wife. I agreed, but set a condition that we should get married on April 1! “Let this be the biggest joke in our life,” I said.
I can tell you, as soon as we registered the relationship, they changed for the worse. If before the registry office it seemed to my husband that he had caught a bird of happiness, then then I had the feeling that he had ceased to be afraid of losing me
I suddenly became a wife in the prosaic sense from which I fled all these three years.
It is impossible to explain this from the point of view of logic. But that's how I felt.
Would our relationship have been better if we hadn't gone to the registry office after all? I don’t think. But I’m sure that my husband would not have been able to so fatally leave me and my children with nothing.
My official marriage showed that my husband turned out to be more cunning than me in this mundane, mundane proseism. And I have always been one of those people, like my grandfather, who always said: "I have the honor!"
I know that Eugene, my roommate, my common-law husband (call it what you want) is confident in my decency: I will not abandon him, I will not steal from him. Why, yes, because it is disgusting to do so! But my husband, with whom I was officially married for 25 years, thought differently
Believe me, now I live a thousand times better than I did in the last years of my marriage.
I would not have written an article, I would not have done a thousand things in my life, if my official husband had not left me with nothing! Getting divorced in my formal marriage, I was a doormat! I didn’t know what to do, but I understood that Moscow didn’t believe in tears. I got up and walked forward - for myself and for the sake of my sons.
The terrible experience of an official divorce has forged me as a person.
Only you decide whether you need an official marriage, or your fears, fears block your way to the registry office. Count on yourself only! All in your hands!
I believe that the time will come when we, like in many other countries, will have a system to protect the interests of citizens in the event that their relationship has failed. Then people will not be afraid of official relations, then there will be no offensive notes in the phrases "This is your roommate", "This is all just a civil marriage."
Photo: Maxim Maximov
Read other columns by Yana Poplavskaya:
It is not the housing problem that spoils people, but the phrase "This will all go to you."
Never tell your husband that his mom is bad
I perfectly understand people who do not want to have children.
Buying a condom for your child is wild
When my son was bullied at school, I taught him how to fight
I went through all the circles of hell with my hyperactive child
Having a baby after 50 is crazy
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