Why do families break down? What to do to save the relationship between spouses? What kind of women turn on men? With whom is sex better and more passionate - with a soul mate or with a new partner? Who watches porn films and should sex education be introduced in schools? On the eve of Valentine's Day, the AiF-Chelyabinsk website was answered by a urologist, andrologist, sexologist, Ph. D., author of two monographs Alexei Sagalov.
Natalya Zvereva, correspondent of "AiF" -Chelyabinsk: - Alexey Vladimirovich, with what problems do Chelyabinsk citizens go to a sexologist today?
Alexey Sagalov: - Sexually transmitted diseases are less and less common. But the number of patients with inflammatory diseases of the genital organs, primarily with prostatitis caused by a banal microflora, is growing. The main trouble of all generations - both young and old - is pronounced congestion in the pelvic area. We have to regularly tell patients that we are the descendants of long-distance runners. For tens of thousands of years, our ancestors chased hares. Whoever ran badly, his wife died of hunger or went to a good hunter and he did not leave offspring. Today, with our brains, we run to ten places at the same time, while physically remaining motionless: at work - in a chair, in a car - on a seat, at home - on a sofa. Few men walk more than five kilometers a day, it is only seven thousand steps.
Can not? They just don't want to!
How much do you need?
Five kilometers is the minimum. The bigger, the better. Moreover, we all understand everything about general hypodynamia. It has become fashionable to go to gyms. But there they swing the press, biceps and triceps. And muscle tone and blood supply to the pelvic organs continue to decline. Microbes get into this "swamp", a sluggish inflammatory process begins. Doctors even have such a diagnosis - "stagnant prostatitis", where prostatitis, as a rule, "for a pretty penny", and stagnation - "for ten rubles." There are no clinical manifestations of the inflammatory process, while urination is impaired, and sexual function is weakened.
What to do?
I can wave my pen in a fashionable way and say, they say, my friend, you should change your way of life. But which of the patients will react seriously? No one. Because, taking into account our lifestyle, environmental and economic problems, we are “screwed” into work, home, loans, etc. To seriously change something, to leave everything and go to the village to twist the tails of the cows - this is from the field of unique situations and single people who are not considered adequate. There is less and less time for that "healthy lifestyle". Therefore, doctors are forced to treat with medication. Of course, we advise you to increase physical activity at the same time, to react less to the surrounding negative. During the day, a modern person works intensively with their brains, hence the chronic stress state, chronic fatigue syndrome. A hectic life leads to the formation of foci of pathological excitement in the cerebral cortex. And when a man is in bed with a woman, he wants to either immediately sleep or stupidly watch some movie on TV, because there is simply no strength to emotionally strain on his beloved woman. The frequency of sexual intercourse decreases, and at the same time the libido, that is, the desire to live sexually. As a result, we have a joint friendly residence of a married couple, where sex does not reach, not because they cannot, but because they no longer want to.
Lack of kissing is a crack in a relationship
Over time, some couples stop kissing. This is bad?
Highly. Do you know what absolutely every person wants? Man, woman, child, old man? Be loved and needed. And so that they say good words to him and do good deeds towards him, which are, among other things, gentle hugs and kisses. You need to kiss at any age! Tactile contact is very important for building relationships on an emotional level. For mother and child, for spouses. If you do not hug, kiss or touch each other, a crack will appear in the relationship, which will certainly alienate the mother from the child, and the husband from the wife. Of course, rushing to caress and hug your loved one on the street is not entirely acceptable from the point of view of social norms. You need to understand where it needs to be done. The relationship between a man and a woman includes three aspects - psycho-emotional, sexual and everyday. Their ratio changes at different age periods. And the sexual aspect dominates only at the moment of adolescence. Once a family relationship is formed, sex also matters, but emotion is far more important. If they are not there, the relationship will be defective, and the defective relationship will collapse over time.
What kind of women turn on men? Is appearance important? Manicure, pedicure, dressing style? After all, they say that a man does not wear a blouse …
And on the contents of this blouse. In fact, we have met, meet and will meet people by their clothes. Clothes, appearance are not just important, they are vital. And this is one of the problems of marriage, when a girl, having married, starts herself. She was all curvy and candy, and then blurred and plunged. She had a luxurious mane of hair, and in the end she cut her hair like a boy so as not to fiddle with this mane. Yes, you can. But the peasant, when he met her, liked so much to run his hands into this mane! Etc. And when a woman ceases to take care of herself, it is not clear what to go about at home, this is absolutely no good at all. A woman should look beautiful in the eyes of her man, in the eyes of other men and the rest of the world. And even more so in the eyes of their children.
Porn is not for everyone
Do I need to watch pornographic films to learn something intimate? Or are they only watched by perverts?
To begin with, the levels of these films are very different. You have to understand where an adequate level ends and an inadequate one begins. Hardcore, BDSM, teen porn - this is already beyond the bounds. And it's like a drug. We know that it exists, but even trying it once is not recommended. Because it changes the brain, changes the normal understanding of the surrounding reality.
Well, if a boy watches a porn film about same-sex love once, something will change in his mind?
Why not?.. Not always, not at all, but! Let me give you a comparison with diabetes mellitus. If one of the parents has this disease, then the child will have a predisposition. It may or may not appear. If a child eats sugar with spoons, it is highly likely that he will have diabetes sooner or later. If parents reasonably limit the child's consumption of sweets, this will not happen. It is necessary to limit so that a pathological condition does not form. When diabetes mellitus develops, it will be too late to limit, it will have to be treated. So it is with homosexuality. If there is a physiological predisposition, but it is not activated, it will never manifest itself. That is why the percentage of homosexual relationships is so high in "democratic and tolerant" Europe. Tell me what the Lord God, Allah, Shiva, mother nature wants from a person?
Continuations of the family …
Right. The main combat task of mankind is reproduction. Consequently, homosexual relationships are a dead-end branch of evolution. This will never be the norm. Therefore, from my point of view, a homosexual is a sick person, but the promotion of homosexuality is an illegal act, and the state must fight this with all available methods.
What is fraught with the hike "to the left"
They say that sometimes a man should try on the side for a change …
This is the level of the boy's perception of sexual relations. Relationships become high-quality and sexual when the partners have already got to know each other, when they have been in a couple for at least six months, a year, two or three. They know who likes what and who doesn't. Sometimes men come to the appointment with weakening or erectile dysfunction. Usually they say: "I decided to try something new here, I went to the left, but I didn't succeed." Everything is logical: stereotypes are “driven” into our subconsciousness. Stereotypes for everything - food, clothes and sex too. When a man gets into bed with a new partner, the subconscious mind sometimes refuses to accept her. A new woman is, perhaps, interesting, but it is a big challenge for the emergence of an erection and quality sexual intercourse. And a woman at the first sex can worry about anything, just not about the sex itself. She will think whether she lies beautifully, whether the door is closed, what smells from a man … Perhaps in five years it will be her own scent. But this will only be in five years. Even from an emotional point of view, it can be difficult at first meeting.
Where, then, do the walking men and women come from, where “going to the left” is in the order of things?
No need to row one size fits all. It all depends on the upbringing of each individual person. Think of England in the Victorian era, where the tip of a slipper sticking out from under a dress was considered the height of indecency. For sex, they sewed special shirts with slits. A woman who enjoyed sex was called slutty. In the same society, fifty kilometers away, in some village Gretchen with Jurgen in the hayloft, they had sex this and that, and that, and not about any Victorian attitude towards sexual relations - forgive the tautology! - there was no talk. Same time, but different social strata, different stereotypes. That's all. So not everyone wants to and go left.
Unfaithful men argue, which is better - a constant lover or a new woman every time?
Nothing. For family relationships, both are harmful. Both sexually and psychoemotionally. But if the question is acute, then the lesser of two evils must be chosen. The more promiscuous ties on the side, the more likely it is to become infected.
Does a stamp on your passport help you strengthen your relationship?
Doesn't help in any way. For many, it means nothing at all. Thirty years ago, mostly couples with the same last name came to see me. Spouses with different surnames accounted for 5-7% of the total number of patients. Today there are almost half of them. Some people register a marriage only when there is an urgent need, which is mainly the birth of a child or the goal of taking out a mortgage. In general, a stamp is put in the head when a couple decides: I will be with you, and you - with me.
Children - sideways
Fasting is coming. Let us remind our readers who decide to fast, what are the risks of long abstinence from sex?
Doesn't threaten anything good. As well as raw food, as well as swimming in an ice-hole, after which patients with exacerbations of prostatitis go to the reception. This is a stupid whim. It's a whim to fall into an ice hole, a whim to foolishly deprive yourself of sex. No need for extreme.
In Europe, sex education is already being introduced in primary school. Do you think this is correct?
I think yes. This information should be given in elementary grades at the simplest level for information. In middle school, when hormones have already begun to be naughty, and the brains are still not really working, the material must be presented very carefully. In high school, when some adolescents are already beginning to have a sex life, this information is simply necessary. We need to teach children to build relationships. In any business, there must be a mentor. But we teach them everything except the most important thing. We teach to read, write, teach physics and chemistry, and in such a volume in the senior classes, which are then needed only by 30% of graduates. And for some reason we do not teach what the absolute majority will have. So they themselves learn, as God will put on their souls.
Give some actionable advice on how to improve a spouse's sex life. Is getting enough sleep important? Or find the time and opportunity to leave the children to someone and devote a few hours only to each other?
Yes, yes and yes again. The overwhelming majority of people today replace life with work, come home to sleep and tidy up a little, so that they can go to work again in the morning. The family becomes not a joy, but a part of this very work. It is necessary to snatch energy, time and money for rest. For joint recreation and joint entertainment. Somewhere it should be rest and entertainment with children, and somewhere rest and entertainment only for two. There should not be five minutes for sex twice a week, there should be more time and more emotions. Take time, retire. We must not forget about each other. There is a man and a woman, and everything else - work, children, parents, a shelf nailed or not nailed in the corridor - all this is on the side.
It is interesting
Today sexology is not considered a medical specialty, therefore, a consultation with a sexologist cannot be obtained at the polyclinic at the place of residence under the compulsory medical insurance policy. You can get an appointment with a psychiatrist specializing in sexologist-sexopathologist only in andrology centers, family medicine clinics. And mostly only in Chelyabinsk. The average cost of an appointment is from 1000 rubles.