If, at the thought of intimacy, you start to shake with an incomprehensible fear, and unpleasant thoughts creep into your head, be sure that phobias live in your subconscious. They get in the way of having fun. Sometimes, even if everything worked out, they chase you after the intimacy has passed. What are the fears and how to deal with them
to cope, says doctor-sex therapist Mikhail DVORKIN.
As a rule, phobias occur at a young age. Not finding the necessary arguments to justify failures in friendship and love, our brain pushes unpleasant thoughts into the subconscious. There they are finally formed and become axioms, exerting pressure in any similar case. The result of such an impact is the lack of satisfaction after making love and long reflections after them: "What if …". Mikhail DVORKIN believes that it is quite possible to get rid of such "virus" thoughts. First, they must be identified, and only then measures must be taken to eliminate them.
Thought 1: "DURING SEXUAL CONTACT, IT IS POSSIBLE TO GET INFECTIOUS DISEASES."
Specialist comment: “Of course, this is quite realistic, but only under certain conditions - an infected partner, weak immunity and the absence of a condom,” says a sex therapist. - If all this was present, then the likelihood of catching genital diseases is very small.
Whether you are making love with a trusted partner or having an intimate relationship with someone for the first time, I always recommend using a condom. The technique has stepped far forward, and now you can buy ultra-thin protection that you almost won't feel. But during lovemaking, you will be completely sure that you are reliably protected. The danger of contracting an infection cannot be compared to the loss of sensation that is inevitable when using a condom. Therefore, I recommend choosing security. If a person is pathologically jealous, then, of course, he is inclined to suspect his other half of all grave sins. This is combined with the fear of contracting an infection. In such cases, I recommend that you first deal with jealousy and only then proceed to eliminate the phobia.
It is perfectly normal for a person to think about the risk of infection and take steps to prevent it from happening. An alarming situation looks when he becomes manic about this issue and refuses sex just because he is afraid of being infected. With the beginning of paranoia, it is best to immediately contact a psychologist who will help restore the causal relationship and make you believe that it will be very difficult to catch an infection if you learn to use a condom. If you do not get the help of a specialist in time, then fear can gradually turn into misophobia - the fear of infection, which excludes the possibility of contact with surrounding objects.
For a second, imagine how, in the summer heat of thirty degrees, you put on thick gloves to open the door of an apartment, and in them you go out into the street, where, as you know, there are too many reasons to pick up an infection. And if this picture terrifies you, urgently work on your phobia, otherwise irreparable things may happen."
Thought 2: "THE COND WILL break, AND SHE GETS PREGNANT."
Expert commentary: “This really happens,” confirms Mikhail DVORKIN. - And if this happened to you at least once, then, of course, the fear that everything will happen again will be present.But this is not a reason to drive him to a manic state and give up sexual pleasure. When we buy a low-quality chocolate bar and, God forbid, poison ourselves with it, we draw certain conclusions. Either we no longer buy the product of this manufacturer, or we choose another store. But we are not going to give up chocolate.
It's wise to do the same with a condom. You probably remember the packaging in which there was a low-quality product. By its color scheme, you can easily find the name of the manufacturer and remember that there is no point in buying this particular product. After all, to be sure of durability, you can try other brands of condoms in a variety of ways you are familiar with.
If an unpleasant story has not happened to you before, but you are still afraid that the condom will break at the most inopportune moment, then try to curb your fear with smart solutions.
First, explore different products and choose the one with the most positive reviews.
Secondly, when using a condom, be sure to use lubricants - they will soften friction, and the likelihood of breaking the integrity of the product will significantly decrease.
In women, the thought of a torn condom can develop into tocophobia - a pathological fear of pregnancy and childbirth. If you feel that this fear prevails over the desire for intimacy, you need to urgently seek psychological help. Otherwise, your phobia will finally take shape and deprive you of the joys of life, including happy motherhood."
Thought 3: LOSS OF OWN ATTRACTIVENESS.
Expert commentary: “Increased demands on their own figure often force people to refuse sexual intercourse,” says Mikhail DVORKIN. - Each of us has our own ideal, which we admire and with which we compare ourselves (it is usually imposed by the TV). Often, such comparisons do not lead to anything good, a person begins to be ashamed of physical disabilities and, of course, becomes complex in relationships. Over time, especially during the absence of a partner, people get used to their fears and begin to fear intimate relationships. Such a phobia can lead to very sad consequences, so it is necessary to cope with it as soon as possible.
First, remember that "there are no comrades for the taste and color." Surely more than once you had to meet strange couples in which he is a stately and handsome man, and she is a nondescript fat woman (or vice versa). This means only one thing - in choosing a partner, people are guided by those criteria that are closer to them. Think about what attracts you to sex and ask your friends what they like. Chances are good that you will hear interesting revelations that you will not like at all. You may even wonder how you can get aroused by this. But this is life - each has its own "shortcomings". Therefore, it is simply stupid to conclude that your partner will not like you.
Secondly, nothing prevents you from changing your appearance: losing weight, pumping up muscles, changing your hairstyle, etc. Such manipulations will instill in you confidence in their irresistibility."
Thought 4: "I CAN'T MAKE HER ORGASMED."
Specialist comment: “This is one of the most common fears that a man experiences,” says Mikhail DVORKIN. - And of course, if one of the ladies confirms his failure, he can withdraw into himself and experience deep stress, which will be very difficult to get rid of. If your fear has not yet settled in the subconscious and does not terrorize you, forbidding you to meet with women, then I recommend that you stop thinking about it and try to make every effort to please your partner. Live actively and do not allow yourself to take the position of most men - "the main thing is that I will be good."First, bring your partner to orgasm, and only then take care of your pleasure.