Journalist Natalya Radulova - about what an open relationship really means for a woman.
“They ask me to get married every month, - this is how my cousin Katya answers the questions about when she will finally legalize relations with her common-law spouse Dima. "But I refuse." Katya does not specify that only her parents are asking for this. Mom regularly pulls out: “Katya, you need to formalize the relationship. Are you talking about this with Dima at all? You can't just live like that! If he is a serious person, then let him decide something. " Dad does not lag behind: "Katyukha, put an ultimatum in front of him, otherwise you will lose time, and hello - 40 years!" Married girlfriends also speak in the spirit of Svetlana Kryuchkova from the movie "Relatives": "In our time, a single woman is simply indecent!" At first, I remember, Katya ardently argued to everyone that she was not alone, that she herself was in no hurry down the aisle and, in general, an official marriage was some kind of anachronism, a relic of antiquity.
For a year and a half of civil marriage, Katya has collected a bunch of arguments - now she can defend her doctorate on the topic "Why marriage is unprofitable for a woman." She knows that married people are three times more likely to suffer from depression than their unmarried girlfriends, and live on average 10-15 years less than the latter. Married women are twice as likely to gain extra pounds, and, according to statistics, they have less sex than free ladies. “Dima and I maintain the freshness of our relationship precisely because we are not bound by a debt and a document,” Katya rebuked all the curious at the dawn of her relationship. - We both understand that at any moment we can pack up our bags and say goodbye - we won't even have to trudge to the registry office. It is freedom that makes our union strong! " They looked at her as if she was crazy.
And the tone of her performances gradually changed. If earlier Katya laughed: "There's a button accordion on the goat," now she is more and more justified. And how not to make excuses if everyone around you is now and then sympathetically interested: “Well, how? Haven't you bought the button accordion yet? " As long as there is strength, one can, of course, be surprised: “What other button accordion? What for? I have no plans to make music. " But the longer your passport stays clean, the less strength you get. What to answer to a neighbor who starts a conversation about the importance of the button accordion in the life of every woman? How to react when colleagues at work constantly offer button accordions to choose from: "I have a good one: five rows for the right hand, 87 buttons, 52 notes, 3 voices, 7 registers, 3 chins." And the watchman is even ready to play the Tula accordion for you, does she have a suitable one at home? What to do if all the girlfriends have long had a button accordion, they wipe them with velvet rags, protect them from dampness, sudden temperature changes, are terribly afraid of the thief accordionists, but they feel sorry for you: “Oh, look. Think it will be too late! " How can the poor girl not think about it?
So Katya became thoughtful. I began to be cautiously interested in Dima's - what about the Russian folk reed-button pneumatic musical instrument with a full chromatic scale on the right keyboard, bass and ready-made accompaniment on the left? Dima chuckled, waved him off: "The stamp does not matter." Not understanding what it suddenly found on her beloved, and Katya thought even more: am I on probation with him? She even started asking me: "Does this mean he doesn't love me, since he doesn't call me to the registry office?"
Katya began to read women's forums, where the topic "How to marry him" is the most popular. The girls there share their pathetic recipes: "Hint that you want a marriage proposal from him - buy yourself a wedding ring", "Say that you are ashamed to call him a roommate in front of people, cry!", "Open a site with wedding dresses and defiantly look at him, sigh! "," Fake a pregnancy test, after the wedding you will say that there was a miscarriage "," We drank it every day. " Oh, there are so many young ladies on these forums who simultaneously feel anger and resentment. “Why doesn't he want to get married? - they ask each other, afraid to ask this question to their partner. "Doesn't he understand how humiliating a civil marriage is for me?"
Does not understand.He's all right - borscht, sex, female warmth and support - why should he change something? Is it society that puts pressure on him, convincing him that he is second-rate: something is wrong with you, my dear, since they haven’t been invited to the registry office for so long? Do they look at him sympathetically when he says: "We decided not to rush, we are not ready yet"? Is it he who is enraged by the fact that no one is going to kneel down in front of him: “Damn, we have been together since then, when the dollar was still worth thirty rubles! When will we be ready? " In the end, it is not him, but the woman is forced to smile tightly at weddings when she, the mother of two children, is called to catch the bridal bouquet. He, the father of these very children, cheerfully kicks off the garter catch: "No, no, I don't need this official shnyag!" - and everyone giggles with him.
And after all, he does not want to offend anyone - he is not a villain, and his common-law wife is not a victim. He really fears the "official shnyaga" that can wreak havoc in his established life. That is why it is so dangerous to provide a man with a solid home life if you want to get married officially - he will simply be afraid to break this idyll: “Darling, everything is wonderful with us, why a registry office? What if after him everything will change for the worse?"
My friend is convinced that a man is only interested in a wedding when he is afraid of losing you. Therefore, she did not move to him, despite all the persuasions. “I love you very much,” she explained, “but the status of a female partner does not suit me, and my relatives will not understand.” As a result, the guy realized that this girl was either serious or not. And one more friend nevertheless moved in with her, but they immediately agreed: if everything is just as great in a year, then we will get married. "Or parting," - warned a friend. Her chosen one did not want to leave a year later, and they gave birth to all their three children in a legal marriage. So the recipe for those who want to "sign" is simple: you need to respect the man and yourself, you need to talk about your feelings and fears, you need to voice your dreams and desires - and not be afraid to leave in case of refusal. But who does that? Everyone is sitting there silently, puffing, winding themselves up, taking offense, waiting: "Maybe he'll finally figure it out?"
“Damn Lord of the Rings,” Katya said recently about her Dimka. She said it seemed to be a joke, but I felt sad. Really, she turns into one of these ladies, exhausted by the expectation, and soon seriously decides that her beloved is deliberately mocking, ignoring her hints about marriage? Yes, her chances for an official marriage diminish with every day she lives in civilian life. But why, in this case, not change tactics before it's too late? After all, internal irritation will soon begin to look for a way out, hints will turn into reproaches - and the embittered shrew Dima certainly does not want to see his wife.
“If you want an offer, offer it,” she said to her sister. - You need it now more, so start a conversation yourself. Honestly, calmly, without ultimatums. Talk to him as to your closest person. Explain why you are uncomfortable living for years without a stamp. If a man loves - believe me, he will do everything to make his woman happy. And if he wanted to spit - why then all? " But Katya still has doubts. She seems to be confident in Dimka's feelings, but she wants everything to be like in a movie: so that he himself took the initiative, took her on a trip, to Paris, to the Maldives or at least to Thailand, would lay out his heart with roses on the ocean shore, give her a ring with a diamond and burst into tears. But Dimka only sends her non-romantic SMS: "I'm in the store, what to buy?" And he offers to spend a vacation with his uncle in Gelendzhik. He has no idea about Katya's drama. Even without a ring, he has advice and love.
Author: Natalia Radulova