Sexual addiction is a very serious, subtle problem with many pitfalls such as sex education, psychological trauma, and the development of one's own sexuality. People are looking for, demanding, needing sex for a variety of reasons. Someone just can't find someone who would satisfy all the most secret desires, someone just needs to feel desired and sexy, but I was faced with the fact that sex for me has turned into an instrument of self-affirmation, covering up insecurity and lack of self-respect … Nobody talks about sex addiction in my environment, they write it off as if it weren't a problem at all. But needing sex is the same as needing alcohol or nicotine, it changes the way of life and psychologically pressures. I want to tell you how I became aware of my toxic sexuality, was able to overcome addiction and return to normal life. With a closet full of erotic underwear, sex toys, with an interest to satisfy the most diverse desires of my partners and, moreover, the desire to have sex anytime, anywhere, I thought that I was every guy's dream. But despite this, my whole relationship was falling apart. I didn’t understand why everything was happening this way, because I was so open and so well versed in sex. All this time, I was trying to solve problems in the only way I knew: I woke my boyfriend with a morning blowjob, sent him frank messages during the day, and in the evening I met him at home in sexy lingerie, a belt and fishnets. But all this not only did not work, it made the situation worse. I thought I was good, but I ended up just being disappointed in myself. Any sex in a relationship with a guy was something that I bargained for, citing something like "Are you not sexually attracted to me?" As arguments. I complained and got upset, and his words always had the same idea: I put pressure on him and made him feel guilty if he didn't want to have sex. Due to the fact that I felt very insecure in this matter, the relationship ended. After a while, I started a new relationship, and the same problem appeared again.
Once, when I was trying to persuade my boyfriend to make love quickly before work, he asked me: “Do you really want sex? Are you excited?".
And then I realized that I didn't want sex, no, I needed it. I didn’t know why I want it, I thought it was necessary to want it. But when I realized this, it was already too late: I was used to doing what I did, used to asking for sex, looking for it, thinking about it, but not as a process, but as an important component of a relationship.
We broke up with this guy for the same reason as the previous ones. I was left alone again, but this time instead of looking for a new partner, I decided to focus on my thoughts and desires. For a month I did not go on dates, did not communicate romantically with the guys, I just lived my life and then I noticed that I was absolutely calm. Yes, I masturbated, but very rarely, only 4 times in a whole month. I stopped feeling desperate, addicted, obliged to satisfy any desire of my partner before he even had it.
The lack of a partner and the lack of a relationship made me stop being afraid that I was a bad girl, that I did not satisfy or might not satisfy someone in bed.Realizing that it’s not that I love sex, I decided to take a course of therapy, talk to a psychologist and find out why my relationship continues to collapse when I just want to be desired. At the very first session, the psychologist asked me a very simple question: "What does it mean to you that your partner wants to have sex with you?" I replied without delay: "That we have a good, strong relationship." "And if he doesn't want to?" "So he'll leave me and look for sex somewhere else." After this conversation, it became clear that I equate sex with a sense of security. I felt betrayed if the guy masturbated, and the sex itself felt like a punishment or a reward, depending on whether I had to ask him or not.
If there was no sex, then I felt abandoned.
But in fact, they left me just because I was so desperately waiting and asking for sex that I did not even notice how I scared people or just annoyed. I realized that I was completely at a dead end when I realized that after the relationship ended, I was not thinking that my behavior was not entirely healthy, but that perhaps I was not open enough, not so sexy. approachable or gambling and resourceful in bed, as my boyfriend wanted it to be. I continued to convince myself that it was my fault that there was so little sex, I and only I should take responsibility for its diversity and organization, and the separation meant failure for me. While I was undergoing therapy, I constantly reflected on my behavior and analyzed my actions and relationships in general as new ideas and ideas came to my mind, and the truth was revealed to me from the words of the psychologist. I thought about the fact that there are couples where sex is far from the main dish. There are also relationships that have problems with sex.
The fact that partners often blame each other for lack of initiative or experience, desire to develop and experiment, made me very worried.
I realized that I was always afraid that there would be such a problem in my relationship, I thought that I was doing everything in my power to make the relationship stronger. But here's what I realized in the end: I didn't care about our sex life being healthy, interesting and passionate, I just showed off all my efforts and skills, so that if problems did arise, then I could not be blamed for them, because I did so much, "you never wanted to have sex." My passionate desire to be the ideal lover was not related to being really good in bed, but to the fact that I believed that only an ideal lover could be an ideal woman, and, accordingly, keep a man in a relationship. Such a simple idea and the usual fear of loneliness pushed me to the fact that I began to emotionally pressure people. This is such a special form of selfishness and complexities.
At that time, I watched the film "Nymphomaniac" by Lars von Trier, hoping to find the answer there or to feel that I was not the only one addicted to sex. But after watching it, I realized that I have nothing in common with the main character, well, maybe some psychological deviations. The nymphomaniac was interested in sex, she enjoyed and was dependent on this pleasure, constantly looking for it wherever she could, without thinking about the relationship and whether she should do it for someone - she did it only for herself. She had a hard time, but she was who she was and could not run away from herself. I was finally able to admit to myself that I was simply confused and, as it turned out, did not know what a normal relationship should look like.
Thanks to the psychologist, I was able to regain at least some balance, to understand that what I have in my pants does not define me as a person, and this is not at all what I should attract and keep people in my life.
I did not need to be treated for sexual addiction, I just needed to understand that sex should be mutual and enjoyable, no matter how much it is required for each of the partners. Now I realized that I needed to understand what exactly I wanted, and why I decided that men only wanted sex from me. As soon as I was able to regain adequate response and self-esteem, I exhaled. The situation became crystal clear for me: people can be of different sexual temperaments, some may want sex every day, and others once a week, but despite this, there is no more stupid delusion than that sex determines the seriousness of a relationship.