Let's say you are a strong, independent woman. And you need a man to match. But, they say, if you meet such, the relationship will be very difficult. Our expert Elena Mitina thinks differently.
I am always amazed at the wording “A strong woman is the one who can do everything herself, successful and secured”. In fact, this can be said about any mature person who has ceased to be a child and does not play the role of a victim in a relationship.
Although I understand where the distorted view comes from. Previously, marriage was built on a strong economic foundation: women did not work and could not survive without men. But today we are not talking about survival. In most cases we have the same rights, but in professional terms we sometimes find even better use for ourselves. Times and conditions have changed, but in our culture it is still believed that a woman is an infantile person, weak, helpless, sacrificial. She is waiting for a "savior" who will feed and entertain her. Although, before building a serious relationship, a woman is obliged - first of all to herself - to take place as a person, get a profession, and start earning. This will be her inner support, a guarantee of self-respect. Yes, and a mature man is pleased to see not the victimized Thumbelina next to him, but a reliable partner to rely on.
Tamer of men
The word "strong" is sometimes confused with the concepts of adamant, militant, tough, authoritarian. But this is also far from the true meaning, because it characterizes, even if not a little girl, but a teenager - a rebellious, attacking and opposing one. Such supposedly "strong" often remain lonely, and it is understandable why. Next to them, any man will be uncomfortable, because all the time you have to take the position of a father, who brings up, fights, breaks and spends a lot of time and effort on it. For a man, this means living with an eternal fear of devaluation. He is constantly being attacked and tested for strength. What decision did you make? How long did it take? Has it implemented effectively? You can often hear: “Well, he hesitates again! What a man! I would have done everything a long time ago! " What does such competition imply? Only that the best is always one, and two on a common territory cannot survive in any way, cannot be recognized by each other in any way. This model is still far from mature relationships.
When he really doesn’t pull
Some girls protest: "Yes, I would be glad to give my husband the initiative, but you really can't rely on him!" And they forget that living with this is their personal and, possibly, unconscious choice. I sometimes see couples: she is mature and successful, she has a profession, housing, income, social contacts are established. He is indecisive, probably financially dependent and not internally separated from his parental family.
Naturally, the question arises: what did our lady find in this "boy"? The reason is usually one: the girl had to become an adult early. She skillfully coped with difficulties and grew up smart, but deep down
the soul still wants to be the girl who was under-rolled on the swing, under-fed on the pens, under-fed with candies. And then this infantile man appears. He is still being nursed at forty and a half years old, and it seems that he can return to our woman the forgotten childhood - he now lives in it!
At first, in such an alliance, our heroine compensates for what she did not receive, and although it is on her shoulders that the burden of arranging a life together falls, she turns a blind eye to this. But the boy demands his mother all the time, and this is a costly role. Investments cease to pay off, the relationship begins to burst at the seams. And instead of
in order to save them, it would be good for a woman to take care of herself - to “live up to” what was left not lived in childhood, with a psychotherapist, and not at the expense of a partner.
"Should he be stronger"?
Many successful women believe that they need a more decisive person than they are. But often this is just an attitude, and there is no point in trying to fit the relationship into the rigid form of “woman is the follower, man is the leader”. Couples with different accents also have powerful resources. A woman, perhaps, shows more masculine qualities, but if this is in her nature (in the family there are all Amazons up to the seventh generation), you should not spend years of life on psychotherapy and try to turn yourself around. A more passive partner complements such an active one. And he won't necessarily be mama's boy. A man, by virtue of his temperament or upbringing, will allow a woman to "lead", and, what is important, he will do it consciously.
Two (independent) in one boat
But let's say a strong woman meets a man like her. What's happening? I’ll say right away: by this adjective I mean “mature”. Those who are able to independently make choices and make decisions, somewhere to adjust, and somewhere to show firmness. We are not talking about those who demand: "Everything will be as I said!" Or: "I'm like that, I'm not going to change." This is about something else, about the imposition of will and destructive competition in a pair. A relationship like this is like a struggle between two teenagers, although there are many adults in it.
Truly strong, mature people and their alliances are rare. Still, the main family scenario in the post-Soviet space is still very different: manipulate, survive! In the USSR, everyone was brought up so that it was easier to manage. But mature people cannot be controlled. They understand too well what they want, you cannot impose too much on them, and their union is different in that neither one depends on the other. A woman, for example, can confidently say: “I don't need this man to survive, he is just important to me. I feel good with him, but I know how to be happy and alone. I do not panic at the thought that we will part. Yes, it will be sad, yes, it will hurt, but not the end of the world. " When two such people meet, each of them understands their feelings and intentions. He realizes how valuable the other is to him, and openly lets know about it. This is why words like “don't call first” or “keep your partner in constant tension” do not work - they are very primitive and involve manipulation.
In conflicts, mature partners do not try to prove their point and make the other accept it. They recognize the value of everyone's opinion and work together to find a solution, but in a pinch they can split up to do what everyone thinks is right. And even if one makes a concession, this happens without compromising his values and inner integrity.
A mature partnership is an agreement between two adults who are physically, economically and psychologically separated from their parental families. They, man and woman, are sexually attractive to each other, interesting as individuals, they have something to share. And, most importantly, they are able to accept the weaknesses of a loved one, not hitting sore spots, not demanding compliance with their ideal. This acceptance is the key principle. Too many love boats crash on the "you should be like me" belief. And he shouldn't. He is a full-fledged personality, does not require improvement, is no worse and no better than you. He is different - and this is your strength.