Only By Changing Yourself Will You Change The Other

Only By Changing Yourself Will You Change The Other
Only By Changing Yourself Will You Change The Other

Video: Only By Changing Yourself Will You Change The Other

Video: Only By Changing Yourself Will You Change The Other
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We asked to comment on the message and answer the questions of our regular author, family psychologist Elena Larina.


"I am 70 years old. In 2004, having lived for six years in a civil marriage before that, he married Irina (she is now 63 years old), but over the years, family relations have turned into guest relations and have become the norm. Now I live in one city, she - in another. Irina found a prestigious, well-paid job there and all my proposals to live together in my house again translate into "later." He says that he wants to earn more while there is an opportunity.

A year ago, I realized that it was no longer possible to live like this, and offered to dissolve the marriage, but if Irina wants to get married again, then we will sign again. She agreed. Now we are not officially married, but Irina often comes to me, cooks and cleans, although I am against it.

I don’t need her cleaning and cooking, I’m waiting for her to move in with me. When I ask my ex-wife about it, she insists that she loves me, but will not move yet. By the way, Irina became devout and, among other things, now considers sex as fornication.

Recently I told her: “If you love, at least take your plucked eyebrows from the fashion of the 50s to the fashion of the 2000s and listen to me,” but she replied that she was not going to change anything in herself. But what about her love for me, which she talks about all the time? People change religion, appearance, weight, beliefs for the sake of love!

I want her to become the same as when we met her, and the current Irina, who for me does not want to change even her behavior, let alone her appearance, I do not need.

My questions are: can a person change at 63 for the sake of love? What should I do: hide, go to meet her, offer to go to the registry office again, or even get married?

Sergey Sh., Volokolamsk .

It is clear from the letter that the family in the generally accepted sense has not been formed: it does not have a common household and budget, as well as common children. But at the same time, there is something that holds these two people together, perhaps it is a common desire to have simple human happiness, memories of the feelings they once experienced, and the desire to experience them further. Sometimes this desire is enough to be together and be happy. But not always!

An important role in the family is played by the presence of acceptance, understanding of your partner and respect for his feelings and thoughts. With age, the human psyche becomes less flexible. We are overgrown with beliefs, habitual rituals, familiar routes, habits and tastes, like a sea turtle with shells that pull it to the bottom with their weight. This "carapace" not only protects from blows, troubles and dangers, but also closes from us new opportunities, discoveries, the joy of life. Figuratively speaking, such a "shell" prevents fresh air from penetrating into us instead of the old one, it is possible that it is already a little musty.

The author of the letter clearly demonstrates this both in his view of the situation and in the reaction of his woman to the words of her ex-husband.

To go further together, you yourself need to understand what you (!) Are ready to sacrifice, what to give up and what to accept in another person, so that he also wants to go with you. Do you understand the difference? Not ME, but HIM!

Can a person change at 63 for the sake of love? Can! Should a person change for love? No, you shouldn't! This is absolutely true in both directions - for both men and women.

There is no right or wrong point of view (life position). All people are autonomous universes with their own laws and rules. It is possible to force another to submit by threats, persuasion, manipulation, but this does not mean at all that the point of view or life principle will change at the same time.

Almost any person can be pushed through, but this is not at all about love and happiness. If you subdue and push, will you be pleased with the new eyebrows of a friend on her fierce or sour face or forced sex?

We are all universes, but we are very closely related and interact. There is great meaning and hope in this. And one of the main laws that always works: "YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE SITUATION - CHANGE YOURSELF."

If there is a misunderstanding, inconvenience, conflicts in the family, the strategy “I will prove to you that I am right, I will win, and you will lose” always leads to a dead end or to a round of a new conflict. But the correct strategy "won - won", the meaning of which is not to strive to win the dispute at any cost, proving that you are right, but to find a solution, a compromise that suits both parties.

My recipe for you will be simple and complex at the same time. If you need someone close to you to change, look for what needs to be changed in yourself. When you find and change, a loving person himself will want to change in response."

You can ask your questions to psychologist Elena Larina by e-mail [email protected].