Frankly About Marital Intimacy: Facts That Even A Gynecologist Will Not Tell

Frankly About Marital Intimacy: Facts That Even A Gynecologist Will Not Tell
Frankly About Marital Intimacy: Facts That Even A Gynecologist Will Not Tell

Video: Frankly About Marital Intimacy: Facts That Even A Gynecologist Will Not Tell

Отличия серверных жестких дисков от десктопных
Video: Gynecologist reveals everything you need to know about your first appointment 2023, January

Let's talk about what affects the sexual relations between men and women after the birth of a child.


Psychologist, family psychotherapist Ekaterina Burmistrova and her husband, existential psychologist Mikhail Burmistrov have been married for 24 years and have 11 children. And their professional experience is over 20 years.

As part of the program “I am that”, Ekaterina and Mikhail conducted a series of webinars on marital intimacy and answered delicate questions that cannot always be asked to a gynecologist.

We attended an introductory online training for moms about sexuality and share with you the main thoughts from the “female” half of the lecture delivered by Ekaterina Burmistrova.

It is important that new knowledge about marriage does not harm you or your partner. Therefore, no psychological advice should be applied quickly and abruptly - any information must first "lie down".

Why you need a spousal intimacy program

How often we are determined that after the wedding, happiness begins. Not only emotional, but also the happiness of physical intimacy. But when a child is born, this happiness must grow to heaven! But in life, more often than not, everything turns out to be different. In many families, it is not customary to talk about what is happening with the physical side. Therefore, usually people understand that there is a problem when everything is already badly neglected.

We know that a child grows, changes, at each stage of development he has his own capabilities, difficulties, features - in accordance with this, a certain approach is required.

The same thing happens with the conjugal relationship.

A woman changes not only until the age of 21, but throughout her life. We grow, become mature in the good sense of the word all our lives.

Try to rate your intimate life on a 10-point scale. If you have less than 6 points, something needs to be done. It is important to understand what prevents you from being happy in a sexual relationship.

The first reason for the deterioration in the quality of physical intimacy for those couples who have a baby is female asthenia.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding are very draining for a woman, especially if she is becoming a mother for the first time. This condition may not affect her appearance - a woman looks great, but because of asthenia, her sexuality is curtailed, her own desire and the ability to respond to a man's desire decrease.

With hemoglobin less than 95 g / l, a woman experiences interruptions in sexual desire.

The first thing to do is to get tested and check your health.

Why is it so hard to bring up the topic of intimacy?

Above, we mentioned that in many families, it is not customary to discuss intimate relationships. Now let's take a closer look at the main reasons for bans on proximity topics.

Prohibition at the cultural level

The topic of intimacy is, of course, discussed in magazines, on the Internet. But in a rather frivolous form, which is not acceptable for everyone. As a result, this turns into a discussion of sex, not marital intimacy. And sex, divorced from relationships, is a completely different topic.

Prohibition at the level of family of origin

As you know, "There was no sex in the Soviet Union." It is unlikely that parents at that time calmly and clearly told their children about sexual relations. Few have spoken openly on this topic.

Unwittingly, parents often blocked the topic of sex.

But they are not to blame, because in their childhood they also had no idea about this due to their upbringing. Talking about physical comfort between spouses was not accepted. And if a child asks his parents, and in response, silence, tension, crimson cheeks, avoiding the conversation - he gets used to not talking about this topic. This is how prohibition works at the family level.

Personal ban

And some of us also have a personal prohibition - acquired by us in the process of growing up. As a rule, people by the age of 25 have their own experience, possibly different from the attitudes of the family. For example, a personal ban may form due to bad experiences.

One bad experience is enough (just one!) - and the topic will be blocked.

Many get psychological trauma while reading recommendations in magazines, guides to sex life. The imposition of certain standards (for women, for example, it is 90-60-90) makes you feel uncomfortable and interferes with discussing intimacy in general. At the cultural level, this often becomes a "dirty" topic. A taboo appears.

How taboo works

Taboo is expressed in the fact that

Forbidden thoughts

Emotions are forbidden

Experiences are forbidden

The very thoughts of what could be changed are taboo. And if you have a taboo on thoughts and discussions, then there is a taboo on everything else.

Think what is stopping? What could be changed to make it better? What needs to be changed to make you more open and get what you want? Talk about your desires to your husband.

But a person cannot answer these important questions - he has a taboo even on thoughts.

Many women cannot think about the very moment of physical intimacy. Instead, they think about what is around: what kind of light, how they had dinner, whether they feel help from their husbands. In this case, a long period of emotional attunement is required.

Marital intimacy works automatically. And it stops working automatically, but we do not understand the nature of the breakdown.

The percentage of broken physical relationships between spouses reaches 40%.

And this despite the fact that everything is formally good in marriage: there is a partnership, there are children, there is a desire to be together.

It often happens that a couple gives birth to a child, accepts him responsibly, and at this included reception the possibility of harmonious marital intimacy is lost. And there is no way to think about what can be changed, since thoughts, emotions, experiences are forbidden.

Let's find out if it is always necessary to break taboos and bring up the topic of intimacy with a partner.

When the ban on discussion should not be lifted

1. If everything goes well, words are not needed

There are couples in whom the harmony of physical relationships increases both after the birth of the first child, and after the birth of the second.

If everything works well, then you have passed this bump. Words are not needed here.

2. Conversation not only with words

Marital intimacy is an area where we can speak to each other not only with words, but also with movements, touches, emotions.

If everything is going well, you do not need to lift the prohibition with words - perhaps this prohibition is not so strong for you.

3. The main thing is to give yourself permission to feel and express desires or lack thereof.

It is very important to allow yourself to feel yourself and your desires. Mature female sexuality after motherhood is different. It should not collapse, because the flower turns into a fruit.

Of course, a woman after the birth of a child will feel differently, but the main thing is to feel.

If you went through a short period of weakening of desire, but then came out of it to a new level of relationship in your couple, then everything is fine. In this case, if there is a taboo, then it works softly. Therefore, you do not need to get rid of it.

Important: There is a complication here. Often, what suits a woman after the birth of a child does not suit a man at all. And they don't talk about that either. After giving birth to a woman, a woman has a "sleeping" sexuality. Everything is normal for her, her focus is on the baby, and it seems to her that there is harmony. This is a one-sided feeling of harmony, as the spouse has opposite sensations, experiences and emotions.

When talking about intimacy is essential

When something has changed in the sexual relationship.

When it comes to health problems.

During a difficult period or during a difficult state.

It is important to remove the taboo from discussing the topic of intimacy, when not just something has changed for a week or two, but has changed noticeably and steadily.

It doesn't matter what changed the situation - pregnancy and childbirth or some other event. It is important that until the moment of Hvse, the indicators of married life were higher both quantitatively and qualitatively, and then they decreased.

It can be an offense, illness, a difficult period of the family (for example, a mother-in-law came and everyone had a fight).

The sphere of intimate life is such that other family problems are projected onto its surface, like on a white screen.

And the woman's questions, for example, her health problems. Resentment, lack of support, lack of involvement of the husband in everyday matters. For example, the money in the family became scarce, the spouses did not talk about it, the wife did not receive confirmation that the husband cares, and this immediately affected their sex life.

But this is a woman's story. In men, this mechanism works differently. And very often the lack of conversations at a critical moment (that very moment X) is skipped, and the indicator of closeness and involvement falls.

If people are silent, then a crack forms from the crack, and dissonance grows.

You can begin to draw a relationship curve and track what contributes to the downs and what contributes to the ups in sexual relationships. This will allow you not to miss situations when something went wrong.

What is the Difference Between Chastity and Complexity

The ability to open up in closeness is on the verge of physiology and psychology. Sometimes complexes interfere with getting sexual release. But this is a separate and large topic for conversation.

A complex is when a person would like to speak, but cannot.

Shame, panic, some even have physical symptoms - shortness of breath. The person would like to change the situation, but is unable to.

Chastity is when a person chooses not to speak.

Sometimes this method can work too - provided that it does not make the relationship worse in a couple.

About sexual temperaments

To solve problems in marital intimacy, you need to understand that we all have a different sexual constitution. Temperament is easily determined even by the amount of hormones.

There are three main sexual constitutions:




Sexual constitution is not our choice, as are eye color and temperament. But it can be influenced.

This concept includes the regularity, intensity and level of desires that a person manifests over a long period of time.

It is believed that, for example, a weak sexual constitution is the intensity of desire with a frequency of once a week - once every two weeks. And strong, when the need arises virtually every day.

It is important to understand about yourself and about your partner - what constitution do you belong to.

Difficulties are more often faced by couples who have a large difference in their sexual constitutions.

All of this can be adjusted, but not in one click. In addition, temperament changes with age. But it's not just age that changes desires. Motherhood changes desire. Attitude towards oneself changes desire.

And finally - it is important to understand that crises and difficult periods can unite a couple, or they can separate. And of course, all spouses, and especially those who have children, go through crises.

But if you go through the crisis as a team and manage to come to an agreement, then you will find a reliable mature matrimonial relationship.

At the beginning of life together, people receive a demo version of love - in particular, love as a story of intimate relationships. And at some point, this demo stops working - its effect, of course.

But if a couple goes through crises in intimacy and withstands them, then she receives a complete updated version for permanent use.

Photo: Vostock Photo

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