Almost all married couples with experience, late or early, overtake cooling in intimate matters. Love for your soulmate has not yet faded away, mutual understanding and support are there, but bodily attraction has disappeared. First, once a week, then twice a month, and then you can't even remember when
the last time it was. Is it really forever? No, it’s not like that.
In order to feel a desire for a partner even after many years of living together, you need to reconsider your lifestyle and move in the right direction. Sexologist Vitaly AZUROV tells how to return the former passion to a relationship.
* STRESS KILLS SEX
Just a couple of years ago, the two of you just did not get out of bed, but today all you can count on is a morning kiss on the forehead. What happened during this time and why did sex suddenly disappear from your life?
"If you are faced with such a problem, do not rush to" roll out "the claims of your soulmate in infidelity, - warns Vitaly Azurov. - First assess the situation. How long has the intimate side of life passed you by?
On average, if a pair of bedding is absent for 1-2 weeks, then this is quite normal. Perhaps the reason is stress. Remember the events of the last months - whether there was a change of job, a move, an emergency at work, a child's illness. If there was, this is the so-called "stress lack of sex syndrome."
A distinctive feature of this disorder is the persistent desire for tactile caresses. Even if you or your partner do not have the strength for passion, you still want to feel each other: kiss, touch, hug, stroke, cuddle. A full sex life will resume as soon as this stress factor passes: the child recovers, everything will be settled at work, and the repairs will be over."
* "HEAD HURTS" AND ANOTHER THOUSAND AND ONE EXCUSE
In life, there were no visible problems, in the relationship is quiet and smooth, and the attraction as if someone "turned off"? This is a much more serious problem.
Specialist comment: “If, against the background of a stable family life, a couple does not have a single sexual precedent in 2-4 months, the situation is sad,” says Vitaly AZUROV. - You just don't want each other. It is important that in this case any attempts to "establish the process" will be suppressed either by one of the partners, or by both at once. There are a thousand excuses why now there is no time for pleasures: “we need to put the child to bed”, “tired at work”.
In this case, one should not hesitate to find out what are the reasons for the lack of attraction. They can be conditionally divided into psychological and physiological. And the first ones are much more difficult to eliminate”.
* MAN WITH CORTISOL BED DOES NOT BEKEN
A mother tired after work, who still has to cook dinner for the whole family, is unlikely to find strength for hugs, kissing and other pranks with her husband. And if he is also a fan of succumbing in the evening, then the family has a complete idyll: he does not want, but she does not need it. But did you dream of such a marriage?
Specialist comment: “Perhaps there is sexual desire, but the body suppresses it for some reason,” says Vitaly AZUROV. - For example, if a woman or a man is experiencing chronic stress or fatigue. Most often women in Russian families suffer from this. The country has adopted a patriarchal way of life, when she is the keeper of the hearth and mother. But at the same time, she is also forced to work in order to have enough money to support her family. As a result, after a work shift, cooking, cleaning, children are waiting for her at home. The body is in tension all the time, and in order to save energy, attraction is simply blocked.The way out is to share responsibilities around the house, to reduce the burden on the woman, so that she has strength and intimate joys.
Protracted overloads also affect men. If the spouse has a nervous job, then the level of cortisol (stress hormone) is constantly increased. He helps us overcome obstacles and complete even the most difficult tasks. But the side effect of cortisol is a decrease in libido. In this case, you should think about changing jobs and visiting a psychologist.
Affects the intimate life and lactation period in women. Nature is designed so that the mother gives all her strength to the child, and not be distracted by others, even if this other is a husband. The hormone prolactin, which is produced during breastfeeding, inhibits the action of dopamine, which is responsible for sexual arousal, and inhibits ovulation, eliminating the risk of re-pregnancy. So a decrease in sexual activity during this period is absolutely normal.
The physiological reasons for the lack of sex between partners include the use of alcohol, medications and illegal substances. The body is poisoned by toxins, the sensitivity of the nerve endings decreases. The production of testosterone and estrogen is reduced to a minimum. The only recommendation in this case is to say goodbye to bad habits."
* WHO YOU WERE! AND WHAT ARE YOU BECOME ?!
If the physiological causes can be eliminated with the help of doctors or sports, then with the psychological ones, everything is much more complicated. Over time, we change, both externally and internally. And if a couple got married more than ten years ago, it is quite possible that both spouses have become very different from those who were before.
Commentary of a specialist: “The most frequent psychological reason, which is called by the spouses who came to the reception, sounded like this:“He (she) has changed so much”, - Vitaly AZUROV shares his experience from practice. - And what is important - we are not talking about external changes, the point is not whether the spouses have lost weight or got fat, have become bald or changed their hair color. The problem goes much deeper. Just for some reason, the partner has ceased to be a sexual object.
The routine of everyday life, living together "sucked in" the two so much that the husband and wife began to perceive each other as close relatives. Dissolved in each other, violated all possible boundaries of personal space. On the one hand, this is what ensures a comfortable life together - when you are not ashamed of your physiological needs, you don’t strive to “embellish” yourself a little every day in order to appear in a favorable light. You get the opportunity to be yourself. But on the other hand, as a side effect, craving is simply "turned off" and libido is reduced. After all, wanting a "brother" or "sister" is, according to public opinion and the laws of nature, unnatural.
If, against the background of such "kinship", an attractive sexual object appears in the field of vision of a husband or wife, everything becomes even worse. It does not matter whether there is a fact of treason or not. Passion and desire find another "addressee", and disappear inside the couple.
Sometimes the psychological reason for the lack of attraction can also be an intimate routine, which sooner or later overtakes every couple. A special hormone of joy - dopamine, which is produced during intimacy, practically disappears after a few years. If during this period you do not add “sharpness” to the relationship with the help of new techniques, poses, locations or toys, then everything will slide down to the banal “conjugal duty” that no one wants to fulfill."
* RETURNING PASSION IS DIFFICULT BUT POSSIBLE
This is work for the strong not only in body, but, first of all, in spirit. It will take time to accept each other's boundaries and again see the desired object in the partner.
“The first step to solving a problem is its awareness,” Vitaly AZUROV concretizes. - It is necessary to discard the thought “everyone is like this”, to understand that something is happening with the relationship, since sex has gone out of it.If the reason is accumulated grievances and claims, the help of a good psychologist will not hurt.
Then comes the “separation” stage. Realize the boundaries of your personality, which is separate from your husband or wife. Focus on yourself and your desires. Perhaps you will realize that you have long wanted to change your image or learn something new: for example, learn how to drive a car, get a license, learn horseback riding, become a sniper in a shooting range, do yoga, finally. The main thing is that it should be your desire, not your partner.
Only after you have reached the level where you feel like an autonomous person can you reunite to rediscover each other. Go on vacation only together, find a common hobby, agree to spend every Saturday together, away from relatives, children and friends. This time is for a couple only. It is ideal for creating new rituals, discovering hitherto unknown facets of attraction, and even falling in love with each other a little more."