There is an opinion that cheating is a loose concept. For some, a partner's fervent glance on the side is already treason, and someone is quite loyal even to the adventures of the second half “to the left”, if only she remains a faithful “soul”. But for most, this is still a rather traumatic event, causing a storm of emotions, accusations and resentments.
The psychotherapist and coach Alexander Polishchuk told MIR 24 how to survive the betrayal.
On August 16, at 22.55 pm, watch the film Love Under Supervision on the MIR TV channel. On the eve of the wedding, Nastya learns about the betrayal of the groom and dissolves the engagement. The boss, whose intrusive advances she rejected, fires her from her job. Broken by setbacks, the girl ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
Treason betrayal strife
“This topic is very broad and multifaceted, worthy of volumes of research and serials. But one must understand that betrayal is not a betrayal. How many people, so many definitions of this phenomenon. For some, cheating is flirting, for someone a bed, for a third - if this is repeated several times. The couple must agree “on the shore” what is permissible in their relationship and what is not,”the expert explains.
The female and male approaches to this issue are somewhat different. It is easier for a woman to forgive physical betrayal, but not spiritual, when a man will leave his feelings and emotions on the side. On the contrary, it is more difficult for a man to survive physical betrayal.
“It all depends on the notorious self-esteem, on how confident a person is. There are no 100% guarantees of loyalty to a partner - life sometimes throws up surprises. A self-confident person will “shake off” and begin to build new relationships, not counting that his life ended on the betrayal of his partner. Someone, of course, can give a second chance if this is a "one-time action" that he is ready to forgive. There are those who will never, under any circumstances, forgive treason - or, on the contrary, will forgive, but will then nag for it for the rest of their lives. But the majority, having learned about the betrayal, will give up and will endure, because self-esteem is at zero, and it is scary to be left without a relationship in principle. Better to have someone bad, but they will be there,”says the therapist.
But what are the reasons for cheating? At the beginning of the novel, hormones go off scale, no effort is required to build relationships, in fact, they are built by themselves. “People are in love, they meet, butterflies in their belly and all that. Candy-bouquet period. But then, at some point, for someone earlier, for someone later, this period ends, and a conscious willingness to invest in relationships should come. But for this you need to know each other, to understand what a person wants, what he loves, and where it is better not to put pressure on him. And here the problems and roots of future betrayals arise,”says the doctor.
Considering that everything should go as usual, many do not notice the obvious problems. Before, after all, we somehow lived, and everything was fine, they argue. But new roles appear - for example, parental roles, for which people are often not ready. Resentments, claims and reservations begin in the spirit of "guess yourself why I feel so bad" and "yourself, you fool, guess." These claims accumulate, grow like a snowball, and at some point someone may "break off the chain."
Lack of "vitamins"
It is especially dangerous for a relationship if at this moment the second has someone loving, understanding, with whom it is good and who does not need to prove anything. “This is where the left turn signal comes on. Relatively speaking, a person needs vitamins A, B, C, D - tenderness, sex, support, and so on, at first he received all this at home, then only vitamins A and B remained, all the rest disappeared somewhere. A person suffers, does not discuss his problems, does not sit down at the negotiating table, but is offended. And if all the missing elements - and even more - were suddenly provided to him on the side, he will take the opportunity and go to get what he does not receive at home,”says Alexander Polishchuk.
The sets of "vitamins" necessary for women and men, in principle, are similar - the question is in dosages.
“The first, at the level of animal instinct and foundation, is intimacy. Men need more sex, three times a week, women often need one. Here, disagreements often begin: how to make sure that he and she get what is theirs? I agree with the opinion of my colleagues that dissatisfaction with the sex of one of the partners will sooner or later lead the relationship to collapse. And you need to negotiate, look for options. But if we are talking about a social unit, such things as confidence in a partner and stability are important for a family. A man should understand that a woman will support him in his endeavors, will believe in him, that he will cope, will not criticize, and it is important for a woman to feel the dedication of a partner, his willingness to earn money and not shit from a big mountain on a future family. A higher, philosophical level is common interests. If he is engaged in science, and she sits at home and goes through rags and pots, sooner or later there will be nothing to talk to them about. There should be some common themes, hobbies, perhaps a common profession. It is very important to be interesting,”the psychotherapist explains.
Caress, tenderness, compliments are also important. It is important for a woman to hear how beautiful she is, and this often does not bother men - it is more pleasant for them to hear compliments related to their masculine qualities, about their strength, masculinity. For some, words are more important, for others - tactility, hugs, touches.
With the advent of children, the issue of trust becomes one of the key: people must understand that they can trust each other with the most valuable things and have the same view of raising offspring.
“You can add many other qualities, but the above are the main ones. If there is, the relationship in a couple should develop harmoniously,”the expert is sure.
However, when practice - as in the famous Soviet film - diverges from expectations, the question arises: how to live further?
Since men are lazy, ideally, they always want to sit on two chairs: not to get divorced, but also not to leave their mistress.
“On the side they get one thing, at home - another. If no one made a noise, happiness would be complete. But this does not happen: sooner or later, the mistress will demand a full-fledged relationship, driving the man into a corner - he does not want to get divorced. In addition, he begins to feel remorse and a feeling of guilt. And the reason for all this is very simple: unwillingness to build relationships, thinking that all this will turn out automatically. It’s like it’s paper that someone has to come and fold for them, or it will fold by itself,”the expert is sure.
On the other hand, such a control option as tracking correspondence and so on can turn into a form of neurosis: a person says one thing, as if trusting a partner, but does something exactly the opposite, looking for evidence of infidelity.
At the same time, it cannot be said that people who are more self-confident relate to infidelity easier, because, as a rule, they have a round dance of fans and are not afraid to “die alone”.
“Adequate self-esteem is a readiness for the worst, but hope for the best. A person understands that everything happens in life, he does not get hung up on this, does not push to this, invests in relationships, lives for today. But if some fact happened, he allows himself to grieve, get angry, and then tries to understand what he himself was wrong, and what his partner was. It is pointless to take revenge and take offense, if something did not work out, then something was done wrong. If the situation cannot be corrected, you need to wish your partner all the best, remain friends or loving parents to common children, thank for everything and move on,”explains the psychotherapist.
It is clear that cheating on a partner is always a crisis, stress and trauma, so it will take a month or two to recover. “It's like a torn knee: while it heals, you feel discomfort, but this is natural and normal, and this does not make the person worse than he was. He simply learns from what happened and moves on, not afraid of the asphalt and realizing that the fall is not fatal,”says Polishchuk.
Who is in that much
By the way, there are people who even like their partner's betrayal. They deliberately find themselves unfaithful women who are ready to cheat in order to observe this for themselves, hiding somewhere behind a curtain.
“This is the pursuit of variety and adrenaline, but for the human race this is unnatural. Males want to raise their offspring, and not someone else's, so cheating is biologically abhorrent to them. The female always knows that this is her child, but the male does not. Therefore, historically, female infidelities have always been more condemned than male ones, they were considered more "dirty". But times are changing, and these deviations are an attempt to diversify your life. It is also unnatural to jump with a parachute. These are certain breakdowns in areas responsible for survival, including the survival of the species. There are people who live like this, for them controlled stress is normal, but, in general, from a biological point of view, this is an exception to the rule,”explains the psychotherapist.
At the same time, some supporters of equality may declare: if women work on an equal footing with men, then maybe they also have the same number of rights to treason - without touching on the aforementioned biological taboo?
But even if we ignore the house building and the ideas of denial by the male of someone else's offspring, all the same, emancipation does not give women the right to treason, says Alexander Polishchuk. And again, for biological reasons. “The females of homo sapiens have a search for the only one, and you cannot argue against nature. Of course, social prohibitions are replaced by sexual revolutions, but these are human games. And biology is eternal and dictates that the female should seek quality, not quantity. Everything else, including the inability of a person to stop in time and life "from dose to dose", like a drug addict - not from a great mind ", - summed up the doctor.
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